Five Puzzling, Yet Popular, Snack Foods

I’ve reviewed a few snack foods during my time at ColuMn™, so I understand how people can grow to like things like ketchup-flavored potato chips and bubblegum soda. But I’ll never understand how anyone with working taste buds can like these five inexplicably popular “treats”.

1. Raisins

Let’s start off with a fairly controversial food, because raisins aren’t a complete disaster. I guess I’d rather just have a grape. Or nothing. You can smother them with sugar and toss a couple scoops into a box of bran flakes, pour chocolate on them, or just eat them out of that tiny, sticky box. But no matter how you serve ’em up, there’s a guaranteed better snack option out there. Raisin Bran? Try Frankenberry. Raisinettes? The next time you’re laying down $10 for a box of candy at the movies, at least make them work for it and demand Frozen Junior Mints.

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Mini box of raisins? You’re better off filling your mouth with the barrel of a gun.

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Never forget.

2. Wax Lips

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This, thankfully, is not a common candy. Pretty sure you can get these at Halloween still, and I do occasionally see wax coke bottle candy at some of the sketchier convenience stores. Wax lips have some value as a comedy prop that gets the wearer instant laughs stemming from the appearance that he/she has humorously over-sized, bright red lips. Genius. But it’s not candy. It’s a fucking candle that somebody forgot to stick a wick into.

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Or worse.

This is candy like shoes are candy. There’s more actual foodstuff in feces. If you eat a wax-based snack product, you deserve to suffer through the 30 years it takes for the human body to digest it.*

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Alright. I take it back. These look delicious.

*I’m assuming.

3. Carob

We can all agree that chocolate is awesome. People who don’t like chocolate are responsible for every single act of aggression throughout history. They’re not like you and me, and definitely should never be trusted. I get that some people hate white chocolate. That just means they’re wrong, probably with alarming frequency. But what sick bastard came up with carob? It looks like chocolate and feels like chocolate, but definitely doesn’t taste or poop out like chocolate.

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As with chocolate, carob is a bean, but everything that makes chocolate edible is completely missing from carob. It’s like comparing The Dark Knight Returns to Batman and Robin. Don’t. Even talking about carob or Batman and Robin will make your mouth taste like shit. This “snack” exists solely to make fun of stupid children and make clueless parent look like assholes.

4. Popcorn


I assume that here is where I lose most people. And I get it. Popcorn can be good. It’s a movie theater staple. But I say it’s a lousy snack and even worse Christmas decoration. The microwave version smells like a bag full of Taco Bell farts that have been fermenting for a year. The movie theater version is so grossly overpriced, it makes my cable bill look like a good value. And is there a worse snack for the film-watching experience? Combine the decibel level of a jet engine with the tooth-chipping prowess of a mouthful of rocks, and you get popcorn.

The nutritious part of a bag of popcorn.

Is there no better method to basically slurp down a stick of butter (or whatever unpronounceable liquid cancer they inflict on you at movies)? Here’s an idea: skip the popcorn and just bring a stick of butter and a junkie’s used needle.

5. Aplets and Cotlets

Ahhh. After the whole popcorn thing, I won you back with this entry, didn’t I? I’m not entirely sure what an aplet is and have absolutely no idea where they grow cotlets, but I’m pretty sure both words are synonyms for shit. This is the candy that your grandparents always bought in preparation for your visits when you were a kid if a) they hated you, or b) you were adopted).

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Believe it or not, it’s worse than it looks.

Looking at their website, I discovered three things. They’ve been disappointed kids (and adults) since 1920. Aplets are “Apple-Walnut” and Cotlets are “Apricot-Walnut” ‘candies’. And they’re manufactured in Cashmere, WA, just however many miles from ColuMn’s™ home base of Seattle (I can’t be expected to know where every city in Washington is, nor can I be expected to bother doing a routine search on Google Maps). But I don’t want to rip into a more-or-less local business, so I’ll let them off with a warning. They can thank my grandma.

Chocodiles

Chocodile

About a month ago I wrote the fine people at Hostess, complaining in a strongly worded missive how I couldn’t find Chocodiles anywhere. I gave them a good scolding and anxiously awaited their reply. One week later I opened up my mailbox to find a letter from Interstate Foods, the parent company of Hostess. Inside that letter they thanked me for my interest in their products. Attached was a coupon for one free Hostess item.

I’m no fool, my friends. I wasn’t going to go for just a two-pack of Twinkies or a delightful package of Ho-Hos. Who the hell do you think I am? No, I was going to wait until the Hostess Fruit Cake hit the shelves. And hit the shelves it did, like a four pound turd. And like that imaginary turd, people left it alone. But not me. I gathered that turd in my arms and promised to love it forever.

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The Hostess Fruit Cake is good eatin’, pals. And like the cycle of life, I returned the fruit cake to its original form. That of a four pound turd.

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But that was only the beginning of my good luck. No sooner had I flushed that fruit cake than I spotted the item that had started my odyssey off in the first place: the elusive Chocodile. I ate and ate and ate. But, not thinking ahead, soon they were gone. I was depressed. Coming down off my processed food stuff high, I was first confused, then angry, and then finally accepting.

Chocodelicious

But like life itself, the Chocodiles are magic. When one Chocodile is eaten, another is created, and the next week I spotted the Chocodiles at a different convenience store. And the next week at yet another. Folks, this is no joke. I’ve asked the Chocodile to marry me and it has enthusiastically accepted. Wiping away our tears we shared a long, deep kiss. And then I swallowed that Chocodile whole.