Five Puzzling, Yet Popular, Snack Foods

I’ve reviewed a few snack foods during my time at ColuMn™, so I understand how people can grow to like things like ketchup-flavored potato chips and bubblegum soda. But I’ll never understand how anyone with working taste buds can like these five inexplicably popular “treats”.

1. Raisins

Let’s start off with a fairly controversial food, because raisins aren’t a complete disaster. I guess I’d rather just have a grape. Or nothing. You can smother them with sugar and toss a couple scoops into a box of bran flakes, pour chocolate on them, or just eat them out of that tiny, sticky box. But no matter how you serve ’em up, there’s a guaranteed better snack option out there. Raisin Bran? Try Frankenberry. Raisinettes? The next time you’re laying down $10 for a box of candy at the movies, at least make them work for it and demand Frozen Junior Mints.

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Mini box of raisins? You’re better off filling your mouth with the barrel of a gun.

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Never forget.

2. Wax Lips

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This, thankfully, is not a common candy. Pretty sure you can get these at Halloween still, and I do occasionally see wax coke bottle candy at some of the sketchier convenience stores. Wax lips have some value as a comedy prop that gets the wearer instant laughs stemming from the appearance that he/she has humorously over-sized, bright red lips. Genius. But it’s not candy. It’s a fucking candle that somebody forgot to stick a wick into.

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Or worse.

This is candy like shoes are candy. There’s more actual foodstuff in feces. If you eat a wax-based snack product, you deserve to suffer through the 30 years it takes for the human body to digest it.*

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Alright. I take it back. These look delicious.

*I’m assuming.

3. Carob

We can all agree that chocolate is awesome. People who don’t like chocolate are responsible for every single act of aggression throughout history. They’re not like you and me, and definitely should never be trusted. I get that some people hate white chocolate. That just means they’re wrong, probably with alarming frequency. But what sick bastard came up with carob? It looks like chocolate and feels like chocolate, but definitely doesn’t taste or poop out like chocolate.

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As with chocolate, carob is a bean, but everything that makes chocolate edible is completely missing from carob. It’s like comparing The Dark Knight Returns to Batman and Robin. Don’t. Even talking about carob or Batman and Robin will make your mouth taste like shit. This “snack” exists solely to make fun of stupid children and make clueless parent look like assholes.

4. Popcorn


I assume that here is where I lose most people. And I get it. Popcorn can be good. It’s a movie theater staple. But I say it’s a lousy snack and even worse Christmas decoration. The microwave version smells like a bag full of Taco Bell farts that have been fermenting for a year. The movie theater version is so grossly overpriced, it makes my cable bill look like a good value. And is there a worse snack for the film-watching experience? Combine the decibel level of a jet engine with the tooth-chipping prowess of a mouthful of rocks, and you get popcorn.

The nutritious part of a bag of popcorn.

Is there no better method to basically slurp down a stick of butter (or whatever unpronounceable liquid cancer they inflict on you at movies)? Here’s an idea: skip the popcorn and just bring a stick of butter and a junkie’s used needle.

5. Aplets and Cotlets

Ahhh. After the whole popcorn thing, I won you back with this entry, didn’t I? I’m not entirely sure what an aplet is and have absolutely no idea where they grow cotlets, but I’m pretty sure both words are synonyms for shit. This is the candy that your grandparents always bought in preparation for your visits when you were a kid if a) they hated you, or b) you were adopted).

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Believe it or not, it’s worse than it looks.

Looking at their website, I discovered three things. They’ve been disappointed kids (and adults) since 1920. Aplets are “Apple-Walnut” and Cotlets are “Apricot-Walnut” ‘candies’. And they’re manufactured in Cashmere, WA, just however many miles from ColuMn’s™ home base of Seattle (I can’t be expected to know where every city in Washington is, nor can I be expected to bother doing a routine search on Google Maps). But I don’t want to rip into a more-or-less local business, so I’ll let them off with a warning. They can thank my grandma.

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7 thoughts on “Five Puzzling, Yet Popular, Snack Foods

  1. The ear hair photo is being picked up by search engines and shown as wax lips. Why don’t you take it down as it gross and not helpful.

  2. Every time one my indian office mates return from a visit home they bring back a big sack of “candy” There must be a cultural disconnect because (when I absolutely cannot find a polite way to decline) it tastes truly horrible. They tell me our candy tastes too sweet for them. I refrain from telling them their candy taste like lightly sweetened sour cheese.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandesh_(confectionery)

    How the heck are you man?

  3. I’m sure it won’t surprise you that I love something on your hated candies list. Aplets and Cotlets are the bomb and I’m sad they don’t have them in Canada.

  4. Nice post and glad to see you back. Agreed on all but popcorn. Why go after popcorn when there is fruitcake, raisinettes, anything bright yellow and cheese flavored, or nougat?

    • Popcorn smells terrible, sounds annoying, and leaves your hands all greasy. And that’s not even taking into account the cancer, which I’m confident medicine will discover someday. I’ve covered fruitcake before, though it is terrible enough to warrant another look. I clumped Raisinettes in with raisins. You can pour chocolate on a dog turd, but it will still taste like a dog turd. I don’t know about cheese-flavored products. That’s a case-by-case basis. Doritios, awesome. Kraft Mac & Cheese Flavored crackers? Not so awesome.

      But nougat? What? Who doesn’t like nougat? The word is terrible, I grant you, but the candy itself is awesome.

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