Donkey Kong Jungle Juice

Back in December I reviewed the Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink.  From that point on I vowed that I would never again drink anything remotely related to a video game (unless, of course, they come out with a drink called Boomer Bile.  Somebody could take a shit in that drink and I’d still drink it.  Then again, I’m a dog.  Eating shit is sort of my modus operandi.

BlackJack and cmsof picked up this can waaaay back in March at the Emerald City Comicon (you know, that day they locked me in the car with the windows rolled up so that they could go to the Emerald City Comicon.  Yeah.  That day.)  Anyway, I was obligated to write one final ColuMn™ this year, so I figured I’d steal this out of cmsof’s fridge and write one of my patented crappy reviews.  Read on!

As you can see in the photo, the, ahem, Jungle Juice actually looks more like creme soda than any sort of juice found anywhere close to any jungle in the world.  Nothing too wrong with that.  It’s all downhill from here anyway.

The smell isn’t offensive.  If you REALLY use your imagination you can almost smell a faint hint of fruit.  The taste, however, is strictly low-end energy drink.  The initial taste isn’t that bad, really, but the aftertaste is just . . . extremely unfortunate.  It tastes like somebody farted into a ravioli which was cooked in sauerkraut and ass sweat, fed to a big greasy fat guy, then shit into your mouth whole, the fart only released as you bit into it.  It’s bad, folks.

What really shines about this product (and I’m sure drove 100% of its sales) is the can.  The designers really went all-out here.  An iconic picture of DK scratching his head like the crazy, lovable monkey that he is (or is that gorilla?) with dark red stars spaced evenly on a red can.  It looks like something that HAS to be good.  IT HAS TO BE.  But it isn’t.

It does, however, have the Official NINTENDO Seal, so what the hell do I know?

If you’re into energy drinks, or drinks of any sort, then you can do better than Donkey Kong Jungle Juice.  It’s a great novelty item, but as a serious a) thirst quencher or b) energy booster, it falls short.

ColuMn™ Fun Fact™:  While Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink and Donkey Kong Jungle Juice taste REMARKABLY similar, DK actually contains 5 mg less of sodium!

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3 thoughts on “Donkey Kong Jungle Juice

  1. “It tastes like somebody farted into a ravioli which was cooked in sauerkraut and ass sweat, fed to a big greasy fat guy, then shit into your mouth whole, the fart only released as you bit into it. ”

    So you’re saying you DID like it.

  2. Thanks. This ColuMn™ just saved me. Because when my husband comes home with this (and he will) and asks me to try it (and he will) I’ll just punch him in the maw instead.

    • The only way I could possibly recommend trying it is diluted with generous amounts of vodka. Even people with halitosis complain about the aftertaste of this stuff. Still worth laying out the cash for the can alone, though. You would not believe (or maybe you would) how many empty soda cans and cereal boxes I have safely stowed away in various cupboards. Almost as many as I have of unopened sodas from last century.

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