Cupcake Pebbles

When you try to picture in your head a nutritious breakfast, one of the last items that probably comes to mind are cupcakes.  Sure, everybody with a soul loves cupcakes, but they’re not meant for breakfast.  That’s why muffins were invented.  If you’re going to enjoy a cupcake for breakfast have the decency to try to fool absolutely nobody by ordering a blueberry muffin.

But the folks at Post have a different idea in mind. They saw an empty spot on the cereal shelf at the local grocery and thought, “cupcakes”.  Is there a parent not completely in the throes of some horrifying addiction that would even briefly consider buying a box of cupcake cereal for their kids?  At least Cookie Crisp can now rest easy knowing it’s no longer alone in the category of “cereals that could (and should) jeopardize your parental rights”.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love Pebbles. They are the fruitiest way to mainline a box of sugar (well, really those are Marshmallow-Blasted Froot Loops, but that’s nitpicking).  And I love sugar.  So when I heard the whispers of a cupcake version of my favorite sugar-saturated Rice Crispies knock-off/enhancement, I knew I would have a box before the summer was over.

I began my quest on August 2, and at first my search was, uh, fruitless.  But then, on my way to the company picnic in West Seattle last Monday, I stopped at a grocery store to pick up my traditional potluck contribution (the cheapest generic chips on sale).  Having made a habit of checking the cereal aisle of every store I enter, I turned the corner and my heart skipped a beat (which may have had more to do with the bowl of cupcakes I’d eaten for brunch).  There it sat, radiating more brightly than any other box ever.  Cupcake Pebbles.

I grabbed the box and somehow managed to pay $5 for it without shooting myself in the face.  My proudest moment?  No,  But the cashier’s scornful laughter did not disuade me. I had a mission to complete.

First, let’s take a look at the box.  This shit screams “insane kids sugar-high party”. It literally promises a cupcake in every cereal bowl.  Fuck it. Nutrition is for people with a reason to live.  Eating a bowl of Cupcake Pebbles is the exact moment a person gives up on life.

The most exercise a fat fuck like you can handle.

The back of the box is filled with fun stuff.  Flintstone-themed name tags and a “Pin the Tail on Dino!” game.  Okay. “Filled” might be overstating things a bit, but it’s better than anybody eating Cupcake Pebbles has a right to expect.  Face it, if you’re eating Cupcake Pebbles for breakfast, you’re only using 1 of those nametags at your “party”, and that person (you) will quickly grow tired of pinning cardboard tails on a cereal box.  But you’ll keep playing anyway because, really, it’s easier than getting up out of that chair.

End result of this recipe: Burial in a U-Haul sized casket.

On the side panel there’s an actual recipe for a giant cupcake that inexplicably incorporates Cupcake Pebbles into the mix.  If you have a giant cupcake, why the hell do you need Cupcake Pebbles?  This is why the terrorists hate us.

But, you’re asking, how does it TASTE?  When you first open the bag, you get an immediate waft of cake scent.  These monstrosities really do smell like actual cupcakes.  I was sort of let down by the appearance.  White bits of puffed rice with a very conservative amount of multi-colored speckles.  Okay. It wasn’t going to win a Miss Cereal contest based solely on looks.  As with most pageants, the winner would have to be decided by taste.

Works great as cat litter, too!

I was a little disappointed.  It does taste like cupcake, don’t get me wrong.  My expectations were sky high, though, and I don’t think it’s a homerun.  More like a double.  They manage to be too sweet and not quite sweet enough all in the same bite.  They’re very sweet, but after a while they just start tasting like vanilla Pebbles.

I finished the bowl, though.  True, the aftertaste just killed my taste buds and buried them under a mountain of raw sewage, but cleansing the palate is what second bowls are for.

Retroactively responsible for 9/11.

ColuMn FACTS!

Serving size:  3/4 cup (10 servings in the box.  Yeah.  Right.)
Calories: 120
Total fat:  1 gram
Sodium:  200 mg

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  Though not listed anywhere on the box, you can bet your diabetic ass that this cereal contains more sugar than actually exists in the world.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★

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6 thoughts on “Cupcake Pebbles

  1. I beg to differ. I opened an old box of Frankenberry a while back. It wasn’t even a year old. And it was pretty terrible. Stale cereal bits and rock hard marshmallows. But they didn’t go to waste. I divided the rest up into sandwich bags and will be giving those out on Halloween along with some razors and old hypodermic needles.

  2. What? You don’t have a Walmart near you? You must live on the moon. Although I heard they’re opening a Super Walmart over by the American flag. So…

    Anyways, I saw Frankberry there, along with his friends Booberry and Count Chocula. Stock up. They never go bad!

  3. Aw man. I needed a good belly laugh today, and so once again I searched under chocodiles and found your site. I see you’ve been up to your usual taste testing. But really, where else can I go to read crap-food critiques? I actually saw Cupcake Pebbles at the supermarket yesterday and hesitated before I bought the Marshmallow Pebbles instead. I buy them only to eat the crunchy marshmallows. I admit it.

    As for cleansing the palate, try Everclear. Works for me.

    • Welcome back, Gigi. What’s new? I think you made the right call with the Marshmallow Pebbles. The Cupcake Pebbles were underwhelming. My most extreme Halloween disappointment so far has been my inability to locate Frankenberry cereal. Why does the universe hate me?

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