Sparks’ Sandbox #8: 10 Reviews

  1. MT. DEW DISTORTION
    Dewmocracy is back with the appropriately titled “Dewmocracy 2”.  Three new flavors, with one promising to stick around and join Code Red, Live Wire, Baja Blast, regular Mt. Dew, and the first Dewmocracy winner, “Voltage“.The first entry we’ll take a look at is Distortion.  Now, don’t be confused.  None of these names make any sense in relation to the flavors.  They’re just “EXTREME”-sounding words.  Distortion tastes the most like regular Mt. Dew, only it’s much limier.  If you love limes, you’ll probably be able to tolerate Distortion.  You know Otter Pops?  Well, Distortion tastes exactly like Sir Isaac Lime if it were sipped directly from the Otter Pop tube, unfrozen.    SUGGESTED HARD LIQUOR PAIRING:  Gin.
  2. MT. DEW WHITE OUT
    This flavor of Dew is, well, it’s kind of a disgusting color. Kind of a milky white — a, shall we say, sperm white.  But the taste isn’t bad at all.  It’s sort of a cross between 7-Up an Squirt, which are fairly similar to begin with.  All in all, it’s not a BAD soda.  It’s sort of good.  But it’s not necessary.  We already have sodas that fill this niche.  And they do it without looking like bodily fluids.  SUGGESTED HARD LIQUOR PAIRING:  Vodka.
  3. MT. DEW TYPHOON
    The third type of Dew in the Dewmocracy 2 campaign is by far the best.  Typhoon is a fruit punch-flavored soda that tastes a lot like the punch you find at parties.  Being Mt. Dew, it is ridiculously sweet, but the flavor is pretty good (if just slightly almost similar to Code Red).  This candidate has my vote.  SUGGESTED HARD LIQUOR PAIRING:  Everything in your liquor cabinet and an assortment of fruit, or as it’s called in some of the finer upper crust establishments, the Spodie.

    ColuMn™ FUN FACT!
    There are  36mg of caffeine in 8 ounces of Mtn Dew Distortion (91mg in 20 ounces). In comparison, there are 80mg of caffeine in 8.2 oz. of Red Bull , 55mg in 12 ounces of regular Mtn Dew (37mg in 8 ounces) and 100mg in a small McDonald’s coffee.

  4. MILKY WAY SIMPLY CARAMEL

    You know those boxes of chocolates that are all over the place every Valentine’s Day and Christmas?  And you know those pieces that are milk chocolate covering soft caramel?  Well, this candy bar is that, only longer.  If nougat isn’t your thing, but you’ve always wanted to try a Milky Way, you are in luck.  It’s really good, but not exactly taking candy in a bold new direction.
  5. THE LOST FINALE
    In a nutshell, I liked it.  I don’t need to have every mystery explained.  Of course they didn’t have everything figured out.  Yes, they probably should have spent more of the sixth season explaining stuff.  But they didn’t.  For a series finale, I think this one ranks up there among the best.  For the record, my personal favorite series finale is Star Trek: The Next Generation.  It was perfect.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give Lost a solid 8.
  6. SUNKIST SOLAR FUSION
    I’m a big fan of Sunkist sodas.  The orange soda is great.  The fruit punch soda is awesome.  I still miss the days of Sunkist Natural.  But this new entry, this “Sunkist Solar Fusion” just is not very good.  It’s “Tropical Mandarin” flavor, so I guess I’m not a fan of tropical mandarins.  But if you do like mandarin or tangerine flavor, you might want to give this a shot.  I didn’t really like it, but I felt compelled to keep drinking it.
  7. STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE WHOPPERS/PEANUT BUTTER WHOPPERS
    I love regular Whoppers.  The best thing to shove into your greedy dirty feed hole used to be a Whopper Blizzard from Dairy Queen.  But then I guess there was a regime change in whatever kingdom the Dairy Queen reigned and they stopped selling the only item on their menu worth spending actual money on.  So I was a pretty easy mark for the makers of Whopper Brand Malted Milk Balls.I first tried the Peanut Butter Whoppers.  They were alright, but I wasn’t impressed.  When a bunch fell on my cat-hair matted carpet, I wasn’t exactly wiping the tears out of my eyes when I tossed them in the trash.  Alright, but nothing to seek out, purchase, or eat.Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers, on the other hand, might just be the most perfect candy our society has yet invented.  I’m not prepared to say they’re better than Twix or Snickers or Kit Kat, but they aren’t out of place in the same conversation.    You may want to just eat a handful, but you will not be able to do that.  You will be driven to eat more and more.  You’ll know you’re going to make yourself sick.  You’ll know that on a nutritional scale, these fall somewhere below uranium.  But you won’t be able to stop.  They bear a striking similarity to those malted milk ball Easter eggs you get when you’re a kid.  If you like those, you’ll like these.  If you’re a breathing, cognitively functional human being, you’ll like these.  If you don’t like these, I find you reprehensible and bid you good day.  GOOD DAY.
  8. CAMEL CIGARETTES
    I’m no longer a smoker, but when I was, there was only one brand for me:  Camel.  Whether you enjoy the healthy easy breathin’ of Camel Lights, the husky-voiced manliness of Camel Filters, or the tube-breathin’ bad assery of Camel Straights, you’ll be sure to meet death with a smile on your face.
  9. BLUR
    Blur, the power-up racing game that’s not Mario Kart just came out and I can’t stop playing it.  I played the Beta that took place about a month ago and it almost immediately sold me on the game.  If you’ve played Mario Kart, you have a pretty good idea what this game is all about, only instead of Nintendo characters and a pretty limited range of cars, you get semi-realistic cars and controls.  I’m not knocking Mario Kart.  I love it.  But Blur seems to be a much deeper game, with over a half dozen different game modes, dozens of cars, 50 achievements, and a bunch of stuff I’m sure I haven’t discovered yet.  Hit cmsof up for a race sometime.  His Gamertag is, uh, cmsof.
  10. BIG BLUE
    Waaay back in the late 70s I took a family trip to Texas.  There, I discovered a beverage that would change the way I drank.  Big Red was not only, well, red, but it was sort of bubble gum-flavored. But in a good way.  Look, I realize bubble gum-flavored sodas are an acquired taste, so I’m not going to try to convince you to drink Big Red.  But I will try to convince you to drink Big Blue.  We’re looking at an entirely different beast here.  For one, it’s blue.  For another . . . .  Uh.  I guess that’s it.  Other than the color, it IS Big Red.  Quit your crying and just drink one.  Criminey.
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5 thoughts on “Sparks’ Sandbox #8: 10 Reviews

  1. It’s kinda funny. I recently did a review on Big Blue. It does not taste like Big Red, Big Red tastes like bubblegum, while Big Blue really tastes like a creme soda. Barq’s red creme is better though.

    • Hmmm. Are my taste buds finally failing me after years of eating such crap as Doritos Mountain Dew flavor and Burger King Fries Ketchup Chips? It’s possible. Sounds like I need to settle this once and for all with another ColuMn Face-Off.

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