In early 2006, the United States government embarked on a covert operation that shook the world’s intelligence agencies to their very core. Top officials in every nation on the planet still debate the events that took place (and, some allege, continue to take place) in places ranging from secret enclaves to right out in the open. Did this conspiracy cause not only the world economic collapse, but Hurricane Katrina and Catholic Priests sodomizing deaf kids? ColuMn™, as usual, is ahead of the pack, scooping the mainstream media in exposing what will irrefutably be called the news story of the aeon. We’ll lay out the history. You decide what happens next.
It was a cold, dark day in Washington, D.C. when REDACTED was summoned to the Oval Office to meet with the Commander-in-Chief.
PRESIDENT: REDACTED, things seem to be going really well in our other wars. With the world distracted by insignificant events, it is time to implement our main plan.
REDACTED: I knew this day would come, sir. I hoped it wouldn’t, but I knew it would. Does that make sense?
PRESIDENT: Yeah. Thanks.
REDACTED: So the third target in the Axis of Evil is confirmed.
PRESIDENT: Yeah. Oh man. That’s good.
REDACTED: Yeah. So what’s our first step?
PRESIDENT: I’ve got the CIA working on this. MK-ULTRA. Project: Bluebook. Skull and Bones. JFK. All those guys. Totally already on it. We’re good.
REDACTED: JFK has been dead for almost 40 years, sir. I’m not sure if you’re talking about agencies, nicknames of people, or just rattling off a list of conspiracy-related terms.
PRESIDENT: David Duchovny.
PRESIDENT: Uh. David Duchovny.
REDACTED: I’m not sure how to respond, sir.
PRESIDENT: Just rest assured. Our top people are working on it.
REDACTED: I’m tendering my resignation.
PRESIDENT: Our TOP people.
In March of this year, Secret General Stones Cocksmith (possible alias) sat down for an interview with Vanity Fair. He opened up about not only his homosexuality, but his involvement in Project: Canada.
COCKSMITH: Well, first of all, it’s a terrible codename.
VANITY FAIR: How so?
COCKSMITH: Well, it’s not really coded. The intent of the project is practically stated. The target was Canada. But Duchovny liked the sound of Project: Canada, so we had to go with it. He was in charge.
VANITY FAIR: Actor David Duchovny?
VANITY FAIR: Well, I guess that explains, sort of the, uh . . .
COCKSMITH: Complete failure and general all-around ineffectiveness of the entire campaign?
VANITY FAIR: And the President was aware of this?
COCKSMITH: President REDACTED was there! He’d sit in the back of the room, applaud, and occasionally make bizarre anti-semitic remarks. It was a little distracting, but I think my team did the best job they could given what we had to work with. I mean, my team was made up of a book with a blue cover, a VHS copy of JFK, and, of course, Mr. Duchovny.
VANITY FAIR: So what, exactly, did the plan entail?
COCKSMITH: I suggested we just not do anything. I mean, I saw no real strategic advantage to a war with Canada. I’m not really sure the President realized that Canada was a real country, but I’m quite sure he had no idea where exactly it’s located on a map. When giving us location-based instructions, he’d just keep pointing at various oceans. But I’m a military man. He’s somehow the Commander-In-Chief. I’m obligated to follow his orders. No matter how profoundly retarded or incoherent and filled with made-up words those orders are.
VANITY FAIR: So when you couldn’t talk the President out of declaring war on Canada, what were your goals?
COCKSMITH: I’m not sure. At that point, the President turned the project over to Duchovny. He was the expert, I guess. Though I’m still not sure why. But I stepped aside and let Duchovny take the lead. Though, as you know, eventually he let the VHS copy of JFK take all the credit, or blame if you’re a rational, thinking human being.
The world might have never found out about Project: Canada if not for longtime ColuMn™ reader, REDACTED, who dug up the evidence to expose the conspiracy and knock world diplomacy on its motherfucking browneye. Once he supplied the photographic proof, the dominos began to fall like, uh, dominos(?). Somebody sent us some cassettes that had the words “Secret White House Tapes (like Watergate)” crudely stenciled on the box. The following tape may be the most revealing and, depending on your point of view, the most awe-inspiring or the most damning. Yes, recorded over a copy of Foreigner’s Greatest Hits, was this slice of history:
DAVID DUCHOVNY: Hello, Mr. President. You wanted to see me?
DUCHOVNY: Ah. heh heh. You’re trying to make a joke there, I think.
PRESIDENT: Our country’s democracy and capitalism and stuff is nothing to joke about, Scully.
DUCHOVNY: I think you’re thinking of the female lead on X-Files, played by my good friend, the beautiful Gillian Anderson. I played Mulder on the show and in two moderately successful motion pictures.
PRESIDENT: Talk slow. What? What’s an X-Files?
DUCHOVNY: I just assumed you were referring to the X-Files because you called me Scully.
PRESIDENT: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, Scully.
DUCHOVNY: My name is David. David Duchovny.
PRESIDENT: Those words have no assigned meaning to objects or concepts in my head, Scully. Just give me your report. I’m busy, uh, taxing and spending and gay marriage abortioning stuff.
DUCHOVNY: Well, the team has really been inspired, sir. Project: Bluebook is just surprising us practically every day. JFK is, well, JFK. “Living” legend. haha I keed. I keed. And MK is so covert we’ve never even seen him. That’s how badass MK is.
PRESIDENT: Great work, Mel.
DUCHOVNY? Thank yo–. Wait. Mel?
PRESIDENT: When can we expect Canada to surrender, Gibby?
DUCHOVNY: Are you calling me Mel Gibson? I sort of almost understood “Scully”. But Mel Gibson?
PRESIDENT: What does Bluebook have to say about our chances of doing this with maximum bloodshed, Mel Gibson?
DUCHOVNY: I don’t ge–. Oh, man. You’re referring to that movie, “Conspiracy Theory”, right? (inauthentic chuckle) Good one, sir. Witty.
PRESIDENT: Git ‘er done.
DUCHOVNY: (audible sigh)
PRESIDENT: Fuckin’ Jews, right, Mel? Fuckin’ Jews.
With that kind of brain power behind Project: Canada, how could there possibly be any other outcome? Even so, experts warn that we won’t know the full measure of the impact Project: Canada has on the world for another 15-25 years.
This is all we know right now. The United States government has a vendetta against Canadian children between the ages of 18 months and 2 years of age. Who knows how many “accidents” pre-2 year old Canadian toddlers have had to suffer as the government sits in silence, probably across the street in an unmarked van or El Camino, gathering intelligence.
(note: there are reasons for a middle-aged man to be alone with a camera in a children’s park that aren’t technically “illegal”).
The world may have forgotten/never heard of Project: Canada, but the legacy of that fateful operation will go on. Word is that Mr. Duchovny is working hard to sign his team to multi-year contracts with Fox and developing an “American Pie-style comedy” that would reunite them on the big screen.