Gentlemen– oh, and lady. I didn’t see you there, ma’am. Not that I assume that Hollywood is a male-dominated hellhole comprised of one humiliating casting couch banging after another. I mean, I know it is, and you’ve obviously done very well for yourself, so, uh . . . congratulations?
I’ve been writing for ColuMn going on three years now, and while, for the most part, I enjoy the work (not the pay), I do feel the occasional need to stretch my wings and do something a little more, well, artistic. To that end, I’ve been using some of my spare time over the last two years to write a screenplay that I think will surprise some of ColuMn’s readers and knock the fucking buttplug out of the rest of the planet. Seriously. I’m capable of more than just poop jokes and devoting valuable column inches to a guy who wears a bag on his head. As this screen story will prove, I am also capable of true art that packs an emotional (as the youngsters of today say) “wallop”.
I wanted to write something that would not only lay bare my soul, but also make a bucketful of money for whichever lucky studio outbid the others for the honor of distributing my game-changing film. With this said, I believe it is now time to introduce you to the mysterious, romantic, slightly futuristic, and angsty world of . . .
Kristen Stewart (that’s the character’s name, not the actress. But come on. There’s more than one person named Kristen Stewart. It’s just as valid a fictional name as Lou Frankenstein or Dick McBallshitz) is a teenage girl with the usual teenage girl problems. You know, clothes, eating disorders, and, uh, bra stuffing I guess. Or whatever teenage girls worry about. She’s actually kind of a bitch. But hot too, in that indie film way, so you can forgive a lot of the bitchiness. That is, until a new student starts taking classes at the local school.
The student body is abuzz with gossip surrounding the new boy, Mike. He wears a black leather jacket – he must be in a gang! But he also wears cowboy boots – that could still be kind of tough and James Vanderbeekesque cool. He also sports a red turtleneck – okay, he might a longshoreman. But that would be cool. The student body of the school is very inclusive and non-judgmental. And if anybody is judgmental, they’re immediately shunned by the rest of the students until they “get theirs” or are eventually revealed to be a longshoreman, but have been unable to deal with it until that cathartic moment in front of the entire school during halftime of the big game. But Kristen Stewart knows he’s not a longshoreman. She can tell just by looking at his ass.
I guess we’re sitting together in class together.
That’s, like, totally cool, lol. My name is Kristen
Nice to meet you, Kristen. My name is Knight.
Michael Knight: a shadowy flight into the
dangerous world of a man…who does not exist.
That’s Kristen Stewart, not Kristen.
Michael Knight…a young loner on a crusade to
champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless,
the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate
above the law.
You’re kind of weird, but that also makes
you somewhat intriguing. And you’ve got a
Soon that raw lust turns into an undying love, as Kristen Stewart struggles to discover what secrets Michael Knight is keeping. She begins to think something is strange about him the first time he picks her up to go to a movie.
Hi, Michael. What a great car. You just don’t
see many Trans-Ams any more.
You looks sexy, Kristen Stewart. I’d like you to
You named your car Kitt? Like after Kitty Cat?
(sits down in the car)
Who said that?
My hair. (offers box) Lemonhead?
Eventually Kristen Stewart discovers that Michael Knight drives a talking car. Disappointed that it’s not something much cooler, she meets with him in their secret spot for an emotion-charged conversation.
I know what K.I.T.T. is, Michael.
What do you think K.I.T.T. is, Kristen Stewart?
He’s a – a
Say it. Just say it!
K.I.T.T. is some sort of high-end GPS device
that you’ve mistakenly (and quite
pathetically) ascribed a personality to and
started calling your best friend.
Well, sort of, I guess. Lemonhead?
Stock 80s bad guys converge.
Kristen Stewart hops in the driver’s seat and K.I.T.T. drives off at a really fast speed. The bad guys try to follow, but can’t keep up with K.I.T.T.’s eXtreme moves and totally crash. Their car flips like 18 times and is just this tangled mess of steel and fire. The camera moves in for an eXtreme close-up of the bad guys’ mangled, tortured bodies as their pitiful whimpers fade as they slowly bleed to death. Trust me, the audience will love this stuff. Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart and K.I.T.T. are racing off into the horizon of a dusty desert, leaving Michael in the distance, contemplating his next move.
(into his watch)
Devon, I need you to perform a remote auto destruct
of K.I.T.T. He’s been, uh, compromised.
MASSIVE EXPLOSION OVER AND OVER FROM EVERY CONCEIVABLE ANGLE AND IN REVERSE AND IN BLACK AND WHITE AND PSYCHEDELIC ALL WAVY AND SHIT.
One man can make a difference. Michael Knight.
A Lone crusader in a dangerous world. The World,
of the Knight Rider.
MUSE plays (Theme From) Knight Rider over closing credits.
As you can no doubt foresee, this is going to be a HUGE hit. I invite you to enter the bidding war for this screenplay, which I am also attached to direct (and possibly edit and produce, if I can a) figure out what a producer does, and b) learn how to edit). I recommend getting myself, BlackJack, to play Michael Knight and Aria Giovanni to play Kristen Stewart (for obvious reasons).
I’ve worked up the poster art and the DVD art to save your marketing department some time. This thing really sells itself, though.