The Twilight Saga: New Moon

One of the reasons that ColuMn exists is to, as they say, take one for the team.  Want to know what Burger King Ketchup-Flavored French Fry Potato Chips taste like, but don’t really want to spend $4 to try them yourself?  That’s what Sparks is here for.  Want to see what’s up with that whole Twilight phenomenon, but don’t want to fight 14-year-old girls for a place in the Slushy line?  BlackJack is here to punch those little bitches for you.

I was pretty late to the whole Twilight thing.  I saw the first flick, in theaters, but at the end of its run, last February.  When I saw that New Moon was scheduled for November, I knew that ColuMn readers would demand a review, so I bit the bullet and went online and ordered a pair of tickets, confident that I would have no problem finding somebody to go with me.  I usually have no problem attending movies alone, but there was just no way I was dragging my old ass to the theater for the midnight showing of a movie aimed squarely at pre-pubescent girls.  I’m already on a number of government watchlists.  No need to add me to the potential pedophile list.

With my tickets to the midnight showing secured, I could focus squarely on finding some nubile vixen (of legal consenting age or above) to be my lucky companion.  Chicks love Twilight!  I pretty much figured I’d be beating off the contenders with a stick (supply your own punchline to that obvious set-up).  The days passed.  Then the weeks.  And I still hadn’t gotten around to asking anybody.  The problem with asking a female to go see a Twilight movie with you is that they automatically assume one of two things:  a) you’re gay, or b) you’re a sick child molester.  While for certain women either of these things would be seen as big-time aphrodisiacs, to the women I have access to, they were both a solid negative.  And, let’s face it, there’s no way to try to explain that you’re just a normal heterosexual guy who happens to like angsty teenage vampire stories.

Finally, with mere days to go, I made my move and asked one of my Facebook friends, former co-worker, and all around nice girl to attend with me.  Much to my relief, she accepted my sheepish invitation, asking what time we should plan on meeting up.  I had no idea.  Would there be a line of 4-foot tall children stretching around the block?  Would any responsible parent in their right mind let their child attend the midnight showing of a movie most adults would rather burn their eyes out with a car lighter than watch?  I figured an hour prior to showtime was plenty.

But she wasn’t satisfied with that, calling the theater, who told her that they were showing the original Twilight right before New Moon and letting people who attended that keep their seats.  Before I knew it, I was back on the internet purchasing two tickets to the 9:00 showing of Twilight.  I was now looking at 5.5 hours of Twilight madness.  Cool.  Fine.  I can do that.

So the day finally arrived.  I was determined to get as much sleep as possible leading up to the show and then squeezing in a nap between work and the movie.  The problem was that I’d gotten so much rest in the days leading up to the premiere that I wasn’t remotely tired enough for a nap.  When my date texted to tell me that she’d checked with theater management and people had been lining up since noon for a 9:00 show, we made the call to hit a nearby restaurant for some grub and then resign ourselves to standing in the cold for a couple of hours.

So I picked her up and we drove down to the theater to check out the madness.  Which would have been crazy if crazy madness were defined as 6 people waiting in line.  The line for the bus stop was longer.  This was not a disappointment, as it gave us time to not only eat something, but get a few drinks inside of us.

We hit the line just as they started letting people in.  Grabbing our commemorative vampire teeth in the silky velvet pouch that they were handing out, we navigated our way in and to the balcony, finding some good seats and settling in for our marathon dose of lip-biting.

Twilight was fun to sit through again, actually.  The crowd got just how ridiculous a lot of the story is, cracking jokes and laughing at appropriate times.  You can read my review of the original flick if you want to.

At around 11:00 they started letting in the people who had chosen to skip Twilight and only see New Moon.  The theater was packed.  And then the lights came down.

We didn’t make it past the previews before the large tween girl demographic made their presence known.  With trailers for upcoming movies featuring Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron, I was rendered legally deaf before the Summit Entertainment Logo flickered on the screen and New Moon began.

If you don’t know the Twilight Saga, it’s the story about a normal everyday girl, Bella Swan, who falls in love with the weakest vampire in the history of cinema, Edward Cullen.  Complications arise in their relationship in New Moon when Edward leaves Bella in a misguided attempt to protect her, making room for Jacob Black, who happens to be a werewolf, to move in and create the most ridiculous love triangle since Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

Not much happens in New Moon.  It was my least favorite book in the series, with large chunks of story taken up by Bella being depressed that Edward left.  There are a lot of threads that will lead to some pretty good plotlines in the next two movies, but that’s basically all New Moon is: the prelude to Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.

There were some things I liked in New Moon.  Kristen Stewart was better (looking anyway) than ever.  You can tell, if given some good material, this girl could probably the act shit out of it.  The werewolves were also pretty cool, with vastly improved special effects since the first movie.  And the tween girls in the crowd roared their obligatory approval every time Edward or Jacob or the wolf pack took off their shirts, which was contractually obligated to occur every 3.5 minutes.  Seriously, I haven’t seen this homoerotic of a movie since Dick Hard 2: Dick Harder.  Not that I saw that.  But that doesn’t  bother a demographic group that is still probably 2 years from their first orgasm (if they’re lucky).  They know they’re supposed to roar their approval at shirtless Ambercrombie models, so they do.  It all seemed very mechanical and manipulative.  But hey, as long as they’re having fun, who am I to judge?  I was a guest in their house that night.

The movie ends extremely abruptly (and a bit before the book ends) and extremely unsatisfying, making it further seem like just a preview of the next movie.  I can’t in good conscience recommend New Moon to anybody who isn’t a fan of Twilight, and even Twihards will probably find themselves not overly thrilled with this adaptation.  But it will hold you over until Eclipse comes out on June 30, 2010 when things finally start to get interesting.

As we made our way out of the theater at 2:30 in the morning on a work night, we both marveled at the level of naive insanity that had gripped us when we had decided to undertake this endeavor.  As I nodded off behind the wheel and plowed head-first into on-coming traffic, I couldn’t help but feel that it had been a terrible decision to go see the Twilight/New Moon midnight double feature and quietly cursed you, the ColuMn reader as my car rolled into a ditch, and I finally got some shuteye.

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6 thoughts on “The Twilight Saga: New Moon

  1. Nice review. Very funny and very spot-on. I expect things will improve (somewhat) in Eclipse (there’s sort of nowhere to go but up). I’ve actually read the books. New Moon was by far the weakest (that’s saying something), but don’t expect Bella to get over herself anytime soon (ever).

  2. You sum up and echo many of my sentiments with your two statements:

    “If you don’t know the Twilight Saga, it’s the story about a normal everyday girl, Bella Swan, who falls in love with the weakest vampire in the history of cinema, Edward Cullen.”

    “Not much happens in New Moon.”

    The expectations left by the first movie were not realized in New Moon. While we wanted to like it, there was not enough of anything there. 60 minutes of entertainment crammed into 2 hours and 10 minutes.

    Here is out take with lots of pics and a little wit if you are interested:

    http://fortresstakes.wordpress.com/2010/03/27/twilight-saga-new-moon-2009/

  3. I knew when I gave you that book that you’d like it but I had no idea how obsessed you’d become. I haven’t seen the movie yet but I agree, that New Moon is the worst of the series. Too broody. Unlike you, I will enjoy the werewolves taking their shirts off and not care a bit about the pouty little Bella. Good review. You’re awesome.

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