Dear Lady GaGa

Dear Lady GaGa,

I know you read ColuMn. GiGi is a brilliant alias, but according to O’Connor you just replaced the a’s in your name with i’s. Which really, when you think about it, means your alias should be Lidy GiGi. The point is, you might fool me, you might fool BlackJack, you might even fool cmsof, but NOBODY fools O’Connor.


So you and I both know that you’re reading this. Probably wearing that blue sex clothes thing from the Poker Face video. Yeah. That’s exactly how it is. Don’t bother denying it.


I could beat around the bush and completely bullshit you with verbal feces like, “I really enjoy your music,” or even, “You have a lot of talent,” but I only have limited space here, so I should get right to the point (he says after three paragraphs of rambling nothing – I know, right?).

I think you and I would make a great couple. Like there’s not even a good pop culture reference for how awesome of a couple we would make. Brad and Angelina? Tony and Angela? Paris and syphallis? They’re all fine examples. We’d just be that much better. Let’s just look at the facts as they exist and if, after I present my case, you can actually form the word “no”, then you will never hear from me again.

Lady Gaga

Exhibit A – I’m a robot dog. You do a killer robot. It’s like I could stop here, but I’m not going to. There’s more.

Exhibit B – You’re beautiful, talented, wealthy, famous, and a full-on pop culture icon loved by millions. I write for ColuMn. If opposites attract, it’s insane if we DON’T get together.

Exhibit C – It’s worth repeating. You’re rich. In addition to that, you’re “on the road” a lot. I am totally cool with that. With GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony out this past week, Modern Warfare 2 coming out next week, and Left 4 Dead 2 dropping the week after that, I actually prefer you not be around that much, as I will be quitting my job to devote every waking moment to being your full-time lover (waiting patiently for you to return from your tour as I keep myself busy on Xbox. I can be brave for you, sweetie). Don’t forget to stock up on Snausages and pay your internet bill before you leave.


I know there are some cons alongside that epic list of pros. There is a little bit of an age discrepancy. You’re 23. I’m 280 in dog years. But I’m also a robot. And my tail vibrates.

Lady Gaga

So, Lady GaGa, the ball is, as they say, in your “court”. I await your arrival at the ColuMn offices where we all live and work. You might even get the chance to write a Taco Bell review (you won’t – cmsof).

Until then, my love, I remain,

Sir Sparks



10 thoughts on “Dear Lady GaGa

  1. Well, you’ll have to imagine it in a diaper. He’s into that. And pacifiers. Which I kind of like, because it shuts him up. So….um….can I interest you in a diaper? Or at least a pull-up?

  2. It’s been so long since I wrote this, I forgot all about it. I’m a dog. My long term memory is like three seconds ago.

    Glenn’s so talented. And good looking. And smart. He reminds me so much of Shaun Cassidy in Like Normal People ( It’s uncanny. Everything he says just rings true, you know? I’d totally be into a threesome. I’ve never seen a naked man cry.

    Unfortunately, now all I can picture is Glenn’s snausage.

  3. Dear Sparks:

    I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t see this touching love letter until today. And as I sit here in my Frederick’s of Hollywood matching thong and torpedo bra made out of used robot dog parts, I can think of only one thing to say….

    I KNEW IT!!! I knew you had a thing for me! At first I thought the Beggin’ Strips was an anonymous gift from an old boyfriend who was into domination. See, I’d tie him up with Beggin’ Strips and he’d howl. Then we’d ….um….anyways, now I know it was YOU!

    If only I had read this back in November 2009 when you actually wrote the note. I mean, it isn’t like I haven’t dabbled in bestiality. But alas, I was on tour with Sarah, the Alaskan Clown and her talking monkey, Glenn Beck. What can I say, Glenn mesmerized me with his unique brand of crazy. When he tearfully “begged” for my “strip”, I knew right then that I’d be feasting on his bananas foster for the rest of my life. I’m his, body mind and soul. Plus he’s my choreographer.

    But I’ve been known to cheat….

    Love (soon),

    Lidy GiGi

  4. What the hell is a I suggest you read both posts again, BlackJack. Mine is CLEARLY not anything like O’Brien’s, aside from being in the form of an open letter to a famous woman begging for a relationship. Okay. Maybe it is somewhat similar.

    Uh. Call it an “homage”. “Blatant Rip-Off” sounds so harsh.

  5. The ColuMn offices are abuzz, Sparks. With how this is the single worst “article” we’ve ever posts, tying “Dots” for “Biggest Waste of Time”.

    Also, the lawyers are whispering words like “plagiarism” and “Dog Pound”. Clearly, you’re ripping off DOB’s article from From ALMOST A YEAR AGO TO THE DAY.

    Just kidding, buddy. It’s totally different. *rolls eyes*

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