Everytime I go out in public, somebody always asks me, “So when is BlackJack going to review the Black Jack taco at Taco Bell?” First, I tell them that Sparks is your Bell man. Then they tell me, “Well, they don’t have a Sparks taco.” To which I reply, “Well, they should,” followed by, “I’m never reviewing the Black Jack taco because it’s just too damn obvious. ColuMn likes to mix things up.” Even though I know the time will come when my on-going desperation for ideas will inevitably lead to said review.
So Sparks and I decided to pull a switcheroo. I’ll be reviewing two Taco Bell items today and Sparks is going to handle a mindless go-nowhere article in a few days. And then we’ll both share a good cry.
Before I get to the Black Jack taco I wanted to share my thoughts on a Taco Bell menu item that is right now only available in the Great White North. Last weekend, while visiting Association™ Headquarters: Canada, I got pretty drunk. After they’d pumped my stomach and marveled at the miracle of my still being alive, I hopped in the Ass Van (Association™ Van) and hit the local Taco Bell. I was shocked to see a new Volcano Menu item: the Volcano Crunchwrap. I later discovered that this was a Canada-exclusive item, so I considered myself extremely lucky to have stumbled upon it. And to still be alive after my .9 blood alcohol adventure.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have the foresight to snap any pictures, but I did take copious notes. The Volcano Crunchwrap may be the hottest item yet introduced to the Volcano line. If you’ve never had a Crunchwrap before (and this was my first one), it’s a big tortilla stuffed with taco stuff and then folded so that it resembles a diarrhea-powered flying saucer. Mine wasn’t particularly crunchy, but it was wrapped.
I bit into the shell and my mouth immediately burst into flames (my ass would follow suit exactly 20 minutes later). This thing was stuffed with taco meat, the volcano sauce, cheese, rice, and the trademark red shell bits. But the thing that really set the temperature rising was the inclusion of no less than 30 jalepeño peppers. Seriously, you could not take a bite without crunching down on three peppers. I had to remove roughly 2/3 of them just to be able to eat them and not feel like an alien was about to burst through my stomach.
ColuMn hopes that this doesn’t remain Canada-exclusive for long. The Volcano Crunchwrap is an important part of a nutritious breakfast.
When I first heard that Taco Bell was introducing an item called the Black Jack taco, I was pretty sure it was aimed squarely at me. They follow cmsof’s twitter feed. They know BlackJack and Sparks. Oh, they know. Their marketing wizards must have said, “This guy and his stupid robot dog will buy these like pigs buy bacon (which I’m assuming pigs do a lot)”. THEY WERE WRONG. But I couldn’t hold off the inevitable forever. Today I traveled to my local Taco Bell and ordered two Black Jack tacos.
I got home and unwrapped one. Yep. It looked like a taco with a black shell. I bit into it and have to admit, it was really tasty. Loaded with beef, pepper jack sauce, lettuce, and three cheeses (cheddar, pepper jack, and mozzarella), this really is a good taco. Not sure why they don’t include tomatoes on this. I guess they assumed I don’t like tomatoes. But I do. So get to work fixing that, Taco Bell.
I know there are the skeptical among you that say, “Taco Bell just dyes their shells a different color and calls it something like Volcano (red) or Black Jack (black).” But no, this is a unique flavor that you’ll probably enjoy. It’s not as radically different from a normal taco as the Volcano Taco was, but it’s still a nice little change from the ordinary.
In conclusion, if you’re in the mood for Taco Bell, they’re really stepping up the game by offering new items that combine unique flavors with fun concepts. Hopefully this will be my last Taco Bell review, though. My pants are tight.
150 calories from fat
17 grams of fat
4.5 grams of saturated fat
430 mg of sodium
(or, yes, this will kill you)
ColuMn Fun Fact™
The Black Jack taco probably was not actually named for ColuMn’s BlackJack. But maybe.