Volcano Nachos

This will literally melt your ass approx. 45 minutes after eating.
Hello, Taco Bell fans.  Or is that fan?  Anyway, who didn’t see this one coming?  I’ve experienced  The Volcano Taco and bathed in the warm, thick juices of The Volcano Box, and I’ve lived to tell the tale.  But Volcano Nachos may just be my closest brush with death to date.  Here is the story.

Volcano Nachos have been on my radar for some time.  Being an avid Taco Bell Volcanologist, I really wanted to race out and order a plate.  I’ve even been to Taco Bell a couple of times and somehow come away without Volcano Nachos.  The reason why is simple:

They have 990 calories.

Yes, friends.  This small plate of cheese-covered chips is the culinary equivalent of a massive coronary, served with a side of flaming hot butt mud.  But I have a responsibility to the ColuMn reader to see this insane experiment through to the lard-soaked end.  So this past weekend, in the midst of a terrible hangover, I took the plunge.

I fully intended to NOT eat the entire plate of death, so I ordered some couple items, each of questionable nutritional value, but reasonable enough to where I was more or less assured of a non-poop-related death.  I topped it off with the customary Mountain Dew Baja Blast and headed for home, fighting back a hangover that was only getting worse with the introduction of the Taco Bell aroma into the cramped confines of the Sparksmobile.



The Sparksmobile


I burst into the ColuMn office and tossed BlackJack his Double Deckers.  As he licked them into a fine paste, I approached the Volcano Nachos.  At first, I was surprised by how small the plate was.  Could this really be 990 calories?


A pristine plate of Volcano Nachos.

A pristine plate of Volcano Nachos.


Digging deeper, I began to inventory the ingredients.  Chips, red “Volcano Taco Shell” chips strips, cheese, Volcano Sauce, beef, beans, sour cream, and jalapeños.   If the number 990 hadn’t been flashing in my head, I would have tore through this plate in about 13 seconds.

These may be the hottest entry in the Volcano family.  The addition of the jalapeños really packs a punch.  And the Volcano Sauce seems somehow hotter.  It’s like you just can’t escape it here.

All that being said, I didn’t each much.  They were okay, but not nearly as good as The Volcano Taco or The Volcano Burrito.


The aftermath.

The aftermath.


I can’t in good conscience recommend these.  I need all the readers I can get and I just can’t bring myself to condemn even one of you to certain death.


Translation:  For the love of god, man!  DO NOT EAT!

Translation: For the love of god, man! DO NOT EAT!


990 calories
61 grams of fat
9 grams of saturated fat
1.5 grams of trans fat
1880 grams of sodium

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  At $3.69, the Taco Bell Volcano Nachos platter is one of the cheapest ways to completely clean out your colon.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★


One thought on “Volcano Nachos

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s