If you’re like me, and if you’re not you’re probably an illiterate racist pedophile, then you love the summer. Hot weather, longer days, and lack of clothing all make for the best time of the year. It’s great to go out at night without piling on nine layers of clothes. And yet, there’s one aspect of summer that all warm weather enthusiasts hate: the sun.
Fortunately for you, dear ColuMn reader, I, BlackJack, am considered one of the world’s foremost Great Indoorsman. I’ve spent most of my life exploring the majestic wonders of inside. And now I can finally share some of my most thrilling adventures with you.
Our journey starts, happens, and ends on one of the greatest inventions of whatever century it was invented: the sofa. Some of you might know it by the term “couch”, and our dead and almost dead readers know it as the “davenport”, but no matter what you call it, everybody universally acknowledges that it is the shit. Whether you’re exploring such far off exotic locales as Liberty City or Bayside High, the sofa is always there to ensure a safe and comfortable trip.
You, of course will have to discover your own Furniture Guide. For some it may be the barcalounger. Others might prefer the annoying texture and sound of a beanbag chair. For others, perhaps a piss-stained futon. Your Furniture Guide is unique to you. Odds are you have already bonded with it.
From there, the entire square footage of whatever disgusting hovel you non-ironically calm “home” is wide open.
I’d wager you’re probably reading this inside. Take a look around. Look at all the awesome floor, walls, and ceilingness. Lay your gaze across the vastness of your well-earned bounty. And need I even mention the awe-inspiring artistry of internet porn? Truly, my friend, you are indeed a god.
So join me in shunning the so-called Great Outdoors. I don’t see what’s so great. Did you know that a lot of violent deaths happen OUTSIDE THE HOME? No, they don’t want you to know that. So to hell with the “fresh” air and the sun and *ugh* NATURE. Let’s get back to basics and do some roughin’ it BlackJack style, in the ludicrously opulent environs of the marvelous wonders of the Great Indoors.