On The First Day

Amen.

I suppose this as as valid of a theory as any featured in the Bible, but according to everything I’ve read or seen in Charleton Heston movies, Rick Springfield didn’t appear until the New Testament.

It says in the Bible that on the first day God created the heavens, earth, and introduced light.  What is fails to mention is that Rick Springfield was also created on that day.  It must have been lonely for Rick.  And he must have been kind of resentful.  On day six, Adam comes along and God makes a woman for him.  What about Rick?  The Rickster?  Nothing?  You know Rick was disappointed.  Adam probably had a bigger dick, too,  just to add insult to injury.

Even still, at least Rick gets a special shout out in the form of a bumpersticker.  What about poor Leif Garrett?  All he gets is a crappy youtube tribute that doesn’t even have the decency to use Leif’s own “music”.

You know what God’s favorite song is?  I’ll bet you do.  That’s right.  “Affair Of The Heart“.  You know it’s true because why else would God bother to create Rick Springfield on Day One?  Obviously, Springfield’s sole purpose was to write and record “Affair Of The Heart” because God loves that song.

The first album to be sold with a lump of shit smashed inside the jacket.

The first album to be sold with a lump of shit smashed inside the jacket.

KISS had a song back in the 80’s hair metal days called “And On The 8th Day”.  Even Gene Simmons didn’t have the ego to proclaim that God created KISS on the first day.  Jesus Christ.  What kind of a narcissistic lunatic would do that?  No.  In “And On The 8th Day” God creates rock and roll.  You know what that tells me?  Maybe “Affair Of The Heart” isn’t God’s favorite song after all.  Maybe God got a little sick of Rick’s brand of sappy pop and created rock and roll to drown out the incessant whining.

At any rate, I believe everything that I read in bumpersticker form, so I have no choice but to grudgingly conceed that Rick Springfield was created on the first day.  Fine.  No wonder he looks so fucking old now.

Rick Springfield

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5 thoughts on “On The First Day

  1. Okay, all that angst from a bumper sticker? If I didn’t know better I’d think old Rick broke your heart once. I remember when Tonja wanted a Rick Springfield record in like, fourth grade. Her dad made a mistake and bought her a Bruce Springstein, who we’d never heard of. We were horrified. Who would want a record by a hairy guy like him? We didn’t know any better. We would both go on to have crushes on Michael Jackson before we discovered that Springstein was a real musician and Springfield and Jackson were, well, you know.

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