EDITOR’S NOTE: When ColuMn first ran their report on the mythical entity Baggyman back in March, we had no idea the whirlwind that we would stir up. But now, a month later, as authorities sort through information and leads, we are proud to announce that we have scored the first interview with the ethereal menace. After weeks of investigation, the internet’s only investigative reporter, BlackJack, was able to track down the mysterious figure of malevolence known only as “Baggyman”. The following is an interview conducted in Baggyman’s lair. At times charming, Baggyman can turn in an instant to murderous soul-sodomite.
ColuMn: So is this a typical “day-in-the-life” for Baggyman?
Baggyman: Pretty much, BlackJack. Pretty much. Chill here in the lair, maybe catch a flick. Teabag the occasional soul. I’m a lot like everybody else, I guess. It’s the simple things, you know?
C: haha. I do know, Baggy. May I call you Baggy?
B: Not if you value the current un-tea-bagged condition of your soul, infidel.
C: Noted, B.M.
B: Definitely not “B.M.” (It’s confirmed at this point that Baggyman is indeed the type of person that uses air quotes).
C: If Baggyman were a tree, what tree would he be?
B: Well, funny you should ask. I was a tree at one point. Actually, given that I’m made up of 60% recycled material, I came from a number of different trees.
C: That’s boring. What’s your favorite curse word? Mine is shit-covered-dick-fuck.
B: That’s four words.
C: No, it’s not. Is “shipwreck” two words?
B: No, but that’s different.
C: Now you’re the expert on the English language. I’m a fucking internet writer. You got a dictionary papier mâchéd into that thing?
B: You’re treading dangerously close to oblivion, human. And it’s not papier mâché.
C: What was Baggyman like as a child?
B: Baggyman was never a child. Baggyman has always been Baggyman and always will be Baggyman.
C: Well, I’m starting to get a little hungry, so I’m going to have to cut this short.
B: I cannot allow you to leave.
C: Of course not. Not before one last question. What exactly is up with your catchphrase, “I’ll teabag your soul”?
B: Too much?
C: Well, it’s a little gay.
B & C in unison: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
B: (laughing) I love Seinfeld.
C: Me too. Hey, I’ve got tickets to his show next week at the Paramount. Want to go?
C: Yeah. My friend 8 Ball was supposed to go with me, but fuck it. The chicks will dig you.
B: Cool. I’m in.
C: Great. I’ll email you. But seriously, what’s involved in teabagging a soul?
B: Well, it’s more like a metaphor than a physical act.
C: So you’re dipping your metaphorical balls into your victim’s metaphorical soul.
C: I don’t get it.
B: Look at this way, BlackJack. When all is said and done you feel like I washed my balls in your soul. It’s just kind of an icky, dirty feeling.
C: I’ve been with whores who made me feel that way. And itchy.
B: Now I feel dirty.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Baggyman did eventually physically toss BlackJack out of his lair. The aura of sick perversion, however, will never be completely gone.