By the time I got to high school, I was done with Capri Sun (or as I, and I’m assuming only I, called it “Crappy Sun”). Now whiskey or liquid l.s.d. were my beverages of choice.
And then I grew up, graduated from high school and college and entered the workforce, where I make a living trying to look busy while doing the bare minimum required to keep my job. But as I was walking through the grocery store the other day, my eye caught that familiar box, relatively unchanged in the intervening two plus decades: Capri Sun. Never one to half-ass an impulse buy, I loaded my cart with 7 boxes of the fruity concoction. My fridge is useless for anything else for a while, but for now it houses what I believe to be the single greatest amassing of Capri Sun.
Today we look back fondly on those golden days of yore and remember the simpler times when all it took to get your face bashed in was the wrong kind of juice box and maybe an ill-timed “homo” mumbled under your breath. A time when men were men and women were women and silver pouches of nature’s nectar were the closest thing to being an astronaut a young boy could achieve.
I had no idea that Capri Sun had so many varieties and flavors. I thought my initial purchase of seven would pretty much exhaust the supply, but no. The fine people at Kraft Foods aren’t content with seven juicy varieties. They have to have TWENTY-FIVE flavors. Clearly, I will either be coming back at some point with a Part Two and Part Three, or I will lose interest ten minutes after I hit “POST” and that will be that.
ORIGINAL CAPRI SUN
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, PEAR AND GRAPE JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID, WATER EXTRACTED ORANGE AND PINEAPPLE JUICE CONCENTRATES, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.
Delightful. This is probably the flavor that I enjoyed the most as a kid. Allow me to coin a phrase when I said “This is one fruit that definitely has some punch to it!”™
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, PEAR AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID, GRAPE JUICE CONCENTRATE, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.
This reminds me of Hi-C juice boxes. Quite good. My favorite so far. Is it wrong that all I can think is, “This might be pretty good with vodka”?
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID, GRAPE, PINEAPPLE AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, NATURAL FLAVOR, VITAMIN E ACETATE.
Tastes a lot like liquid Juicy Fruit gum. Alright, but not GREAT. Unless you really, really, really like Juicy Fruit gum.
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, LEMON JUICE CONCENTRATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVOR, VITAMIN E ACETATE.
A difficult flavor to pin down. Lemony without being either too tart or too sweet. I guess the closest analogy I can offer is that it tastes sort of like the Minute Maid Lemonade that you get in the 20 ounce plastic soda bottle. As the saying goes, “When life hands you Capri Sun™ Lemonade, drink it!”
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.
A typical “Mountain Berry”-type drink. I was never a huge fan of Mountain Berry, but this is not bad at all. “Cooler” to me implies some late-80s wine cooler that I will inevitably try to suck through a beer bong and immediately throw up into my crotch.
Capri Sun “100% Juice” Line: Part One
Ingredients: FILTERED WATER, APPLE, GRAPE, AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID (FOR TARTNESS), NATURAL FLAVOR.
Three real fruit juices (cherry, grape, and apple). Tastes like, well, a combo of those three juices. A slightly different take on the traditional fruit punch. Good, but not great. “No need to take a DIVE, kids! This FRUIT drink packs one fuckuva PUNCH!”
Ingredients: FILTERED WATER, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID (FOR TARTNESS), NATURAL FLAVOR.
Yep. Tastes like Apple Juice. You know what I always think of when I start to swallow a nice, refreshing glass of frothy, golden apple juice? Urine. True Story.
ORIGINAL CAPRI SUN
15 mg sodium
19 g carbohydrates
18 g sugars
100% JUICE CAPRI SUN
0 g Fat
30 mg sodium
23 g carbohydrates
22 g sugars
ColuMn Fun Fact™: True, these are designed for kids, but you’re doing yourself NO favors by not picking up a box and enjoying an ice-cold Capri Sun! At 20 cents PER POUCH, you literally can not go wrong. Try it! Okay. That’s a pretty lame Fun Fact™. But shut up! Just be thankful we’re not pulling something stupid like an obviously made-up Baggyman interview.
ColuMn Fun Fact™II: The juices really are different colors! Slightly.