Capri Sun

Capri Sun
When I was a kid, attending middle school in my predominantly white, Beaver Cleaver-inspired town, a lunchtime staple was Capri Sun.  At the time I preferred the sweet, intoxicating taste of Coca-Cola, but for some reason back then parents didn’t want to send their kids off to school with a can of pop (luckily there was an old folks’ home just across the street that had a pop machine that sold Cokes for something insane like 25 cents).

By the time I got to high school, I was done with Capri Sun (or as I, and I’m assuming only I, called it “Crappy Sun”).    Now whiskey or liquid l.s.d. were my beverages of choice.

And then I grew up, graduated from high school and college and entered the workforce, where I make a living trying to look busy while doing the bare minimum required to keep my job.  But as I was walking through the grocery store the other day, my eye caught that familiar box, relatively unchanged in the intervening two plus decades:  Capri Sun.  Never one to half-ass an impulse buy, I loaded my cart with 7 boxes of the fruity concoction.  My fridge is useless for anything else for a while, but for now it houses what I believe to be the single greatest amassing of Capri Sun.

Caprisuncopia
Today we look back fondly on those golden days of yore and remember the simpler times when all it took to get your face bashed in was the wrong kind of juice box and maybe an ill-timed “homo” mumbled under your breath.  A time when men were men and women were women and silver pouches of nature’s nectar were the closest thing to being an astronaut a young boy could achieve.

I had no idea that Capri Sun had so many varieties and flavors.  I thought my initial purchase of seven would pretty much exhaust the supply, but no.  The fine people at Kraft Foods aren’t content with seven juicy varieties.  They have to have TWENTY-FIVE flavors.  Clearly, I will either be coming back at some point with a Part Two and Part Three, or I will lose interest ten minutes after I hit “POST” and that will be that.

Let’s begin.

The Line Up

ORIGINAL CAPRI SUN

Fruit Punch

Fruit Punch
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, PEAR AND GRAPE JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID, WATER EXTRACTED ORANGE AND PINEAPPLE JUICE CONCENTRATES, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.

Delightful.  This is probably the flavor that I enjoyed the most as a kid.  Allow me to coin a phrase when I said “This is one fruit that definitely has some punch to it!”™

Wild Cherry

Wild Cherry
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, PEAR AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID, GRAPE JUICE CONCENTRATE, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.

This reminds me of Hi-C juice boxes.  Quite good.  My favorite so far.  Is it wrong that all I can think is, “This might be pretty good with vodka”?


Tropical Punch

Tropical Punch
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID, GRAPE, PINEAPPLE AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, NATURAL FLAVOR, VITAMIN E ACETATE.

Tastes a lot like liquid Juicy Fruit gum.  Alright, but not GREAT.  Unless you really, really, really like Juicy Fruit gum.


Lemonade

Lemonade
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, LEMON JUICE CONCENTRATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVOR, VITAMIN E ACETATE.

A difficult flavor to pin down.  Lemony without being either too tart or too sweet.  I guess the closest analogy I can offer is that it tastes sort of like the Minute Maid Lemonade that you get in the 20 ounce plastic soda bottle.  As the saying goes, “When life hands you Capri Sun™ Lemonade, drink it!”


Mountain Cooler

Mountain Cooler
Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.

A typical “Mountain Berry”-type drink.  I was never a huge fan of Mountain Berry, but this is not bad at all.  “Cooler” to me implies some late-80s wine cooler that I will inevitably try to suck through a beer bong and immediately throw up into my crotch.


BONUS!!

Capri Sun “100% Juice” Line:  Part One

Fruit Dive

Fruit Dive
Ingredients: FILTERED WATER, APPLE, GRAPE, AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID (FOR TARTNESS), NATURAL FLAVOR.

Three real fruit juices (cherry, grape, and apple).  Tastes like, well, a combo of those three juices.  A slightly different take on the traditional fruit punch.  Good, but not great.  “No need to take a DIVE, kids!  This FRUIT drink packs one fuckuva PUNCH!”

Apple Splash

Apple Splash
Ingredients: FILTERED WATER, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID (FOR TARTNESS), NATURAL FLAVOR.

Yep.  Tastes like Apple Juice.  You know what I always think of when I start to swallow a nice, refreshing glass of frothy, golden apple juice? Urine. True Story.


ColuMn FACTS!

ORIGINAL CAPRI SUN
70 calories
15 mg sodium
19 g carbohydrates
18 g sugars

100% JUICE CAPRI SUN
90 Calories
0 g Fat
30 mg sodium
23 g carbohydrates
22 g sugars

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  True, these are designed for kids, but you’re doing yourself NO favors by not picking up a box and enjoying an ice-cold Capri Sun!  At 20 cents PER POUCH, you literally can not go wrong.   Try it!  Okay.  That’s a pretty lame Fun Fact™.  But shut up!  Just be thankful we’re not pulling something stupid like an obviously made-up Baggyman interview.

ColuMn Fun Fact™II:  The juices really are different colors!  Slightly.

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7 thoughts on “Capri Sun

  1. My favorite was always the Strawberry one. I haven’t seen it since I was a youngin’, but it had a picture of a strawberry waterfall. It’s been about 6 months since I had Capri Sun. I switch between the Capri Suns and Hi-Cs(Orange Lavaburst is the shit!).

    • I’ve got a box of Tropical Punch in the fridge right now. Well, probably half a box now. And I tried the Orange Breakfast Capri Sun, but did not enjoy it. So I have like 8 of those left. Might have to try this Hi-C Orange Lava Burst you speak of.

  2. I like the juice box idea, but I’m not sure if I’ll stick with the Capri Suns. My plan was to do a follow-up article (or two) with the remaining flavors, but that might have to wait for a long time (if ever). Maybe I’ll switch over to the Hi-C (no article, though, just for my personal enjoyment).

  3. Aah, Capri-Sun in the lunch bag. Am I the only one who remembers the small cans of Cran-Apple (Crapple) Juice Dad used to give us? It inevitably smashed BOTH of my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, creating a gelatinous bread/peanut butter/jelly goo. Yum! Oh, and one more thing– Suzi-Qs!

  4. Very informative. I can only remember Orange as being my favorite at Shuksan. I remember I was drinking one in the cafeteria in my pink Izod sweater when Marcy Maggard announced to the room that one of my boobs was bigger than the other. They were so tiny that I wasn’t sure if I was feeling humiliated that she noticed or glad that they were big enough at all to be seen.

    ANYWAY…I’m guessing that once you finish your seven boxes that you won’t want to do any more research, but if you do, stay away from Orange, it does bad things to your anatomy.

    Kaleb’s favorite is lemonade and Henry’s is fruit punch, in case you’d like to make a survey a part of your research.

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