Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

As you have no doubt read on various internet gossip sites, I enjoy adult entertainment (ie. porn).  But what hasn’t been as widely reported is my affection for teen drama.  From the hallowed halls of Bayside High to the Upper East Side, I’ve followed the adventures of various groups of annoying teenage stereotypes for, let’s face it, an uncomfortable number of years.  But a guy has to draw the line somewhere, and that place for me was at the abstinence propaganda piece, Twilight.

Now, as you might suspect, I had never even heard of this “Twilight” until late 2008, just as the movie was opening.  For some reason, the marketers of Stephanie Meyer’s teen vampire series chose to focus their efforts on fourteen-year old girls instead of the internet’s only entertainment reporter.  I did the only thing an angry old man like me could do:  I completely ignored it.

A month later, my sister gave me a copy of Twilight (the book).  I’m not entirely sure why.  Was it my well-publicized imaginary love affair with Buffy?  Was it my years of compiling TV Guide show descriptions of Saved By The Bell?  No one will ever truly know.

I had a couple of things I wanted to read first (Batman #680 and the lyrics to Don Johnson’s mega-hit, “Heartbeat”), but by the end of January I was ready to begin.

We’ll be discussing a number of Twilight-related projects, but let’s start with the book.  Cutting to the chase, I liked it.  It’s the story of a teenage girl, Bella, who moves from Arizona to Forks, Washington, where, we’re told, the sun rarely shines.  This might be important later.  Stay tuned.  Once in Forks, she meets and becomes obsessed with Edward Cullen, a mysterious and handsome lad who at first appears to loathe Bella, but slowly warms to her.  The first half of the book details Edward and Bella’s meeting and unhealthy compulsion towards each other.  Of course, things are complicated by the fact that Edward and his entire family are vampires, though they are “vegetarian”, in that they don’t eat people.

But Edward REALLY wants to “eat” Bella.  He loves her, but he wants to sink his teeth into her flesh and suck her dry.  So he learns to restrain himself so that his passions don’t get the better of him.  Get it?  Yeah, the “message” is there and it can get kind of annoying, but for the most part it’s pretty easy to ignore it and enjoy the story.

The second half of the book veers into action territory when another group of vamps, of the human-eating variety, show up and it’s up to the Cullens to save Bella.

A chase ensues, Bella attempts to sacrifice herself for Edward, the main bad vamp is destroyed, and it’s happily ever after . . . until the sequel, New Moon, which I have not read.

All in all, it was a fun book that kept you turning the pages.  I’d place it somewhere alongside The DaVinci Code in terms of artistry.


A day or two after I finished the book, I decided to check out the movie (for the sole purpose of writing this review, of course).  It was a decent adaptation of the novel.  The actors were well-suited for their roles, if not exactly how I’d pictured them as I read the book.  The filmmaking was amateurish and the effects were less than special, but it was solidly entertaining.  And at least they explained where the evil female vampire goes at the end of the story (note: like I said, I haven’t read New Moon, so I have no idea if Meyer addresses this dangling plot thread, though I suspect she does.  It just is noticeably absent from Twilight the novel).

I guess Twilight is out on dvd tomorrow if you didn’t see it in theaters.  I think it might actually be enhanced by home-viewing.

Necco's Twilight Sweethearts

I was at the store today grocery shopping and ran across a huge display featuring this fine product.  I’m not exactly sure why these are making their debut now.  It seems odd to see them alongside the Easter candy.  I think this would have done better during Valentine’s Day, but from what I’ve read, these didn’t debut until after that.  Oh well.    I’m not really interested enough to investigate further.

A bag?

As you can see in the above pic, these Necco’s Sweethearts Conversation Heatrts Forbidden Fruits break the rules set by previous novelty phrase hearts by being enclosed in their own protective plastic bag, making the box simply a marketing ploy and of no value whatsoever in terms of product dispensing.

And speaking of marketing ploys, Necco’s really gone all out.  Not only is the tagline, “The Forbidden Fruit Tastes The Sweetest”, but they also apparently have a special “I ♥ EC” heart that has a “Secret Scent” that you “Rub to Reveal”.  I rubbed it.  It smelled like candy.


There are only four flavors in this series of hearts.  No banana.  Come on!  What fruit is more representative of passion than a banana (note: in case you haven’t noticed, a banana is somewhat shaped like a stiffy).  You have Passion Fruit, Secret Strawberry, Tempting Apple, and Orange Obsession.  The passion fruit is by far the worst, with the strawberry bringing up a very close second (think strawberry-flavored Starburst and NOT Frankenberry-strawberry).  The apple flavor is probably the best, with the orange being good, but not as good as regular orange.

The purple is supposed to mimic the way Edward’s skin glitters when exposed to direct sunlight.  It’s an effect that’s probably better on paper than in implementation.


Sample phrases:  Lamb, I Trust You, U R My Life (Yikes), Bad Boy, Live 4 Ever, Dazzle, Soul Mate, Trust Me, I Want You (I think is the most explicit conversation heart ever), and, of course, I ♥ E C.  Plus a bunch of regular ones.

Well, that’s it for our Twilight wrap-up.  The final word?  The book’s not bad, the movie’s not great, and the candy is edible.


11 thoughts on “Twilight

  1. Sparks would love to come by and watch Twilight with you, but he’s not much for traveling.

    Yeah, Twilight is full of shit. The characters are laughable and Bella is a terrible role model, but I gotta admit: I saw Twilight in the theater. It was me and like a dozen 14 year old girls. At least I wasn’t wearing a raincoat.

  2. Oh God. No. Not Twilight. I was forced to read it by a questionable friend, and right from the start I wanted to murder Bella in the most torturous way. Why couldn’t the vampires descend upon her like the ravenous undead that they are? Or the werewolves tear her from limb to limb. You know, for shits and giggles. But no. The book could have been good if only they’d had a more mature, less whiney Bella. I swear, if I heard her complain one more time, I was gonna lose it! I must say thought, that the part where they’re out in the field and the other vampires get a whiff of her, was brilliantly written. Fucking amazing visual.

    But who’s gonna believe that these ancient vampires and werewolves were going to entrust some bratty 17-year old with their truths and their history. Fuck NO!

    I’m still avoiding watching the film. Maybe if Sparks came over and watched it with me. Could you ask?

  3. If the cereal turns the milk blood-red, I’m down.

    I picked up the next book. No idea when I’ll have a chance to read it. I’ve fallen behind on my reading lately. Have 3 or 4 I mean to read before New Moon.

    Guess New Moon (the movie) is coming out this November, with the third one slated for next June. So I’m expecting more made-for-tv production values.

  4. Wow. Here’s what I think. Book is good, movie is passable, candy is disturbing. I guess it is up to me to get you the next book. I hear they’re making another movie and who knows, we may get a breakfast cereal or a bag of chips out of that one.

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