Tuesday, March 17 – 12:00 a.m.
More later. Check back soon. For now, all we have is this:
Tuesday, March 17 – 8:43 a.m.
ColuMn has been alerted that the being pictured above has been spotted in your town. Nicknamed “Baggyman” by the press, no one is quite sure who, or for that matter what, Baggyman is. Is he a demon? A wraith? A witch? Or just a pathetic guy in a mask made out of a paper bag? Theories are flying into the ColuMn offices faster than we can sort through them, but when we do, you, the ColuMn reader, will be the first to know.
At this point, police have indicated that if you see Baggyman, you are to dial 911 immediately. DO NOT APPROACH BAGGYMAN. He is to be considered armed and incredibly dangerous and muttering something about “. . . your soul.” Update coming soon. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, March 17 – 11:30 a.m.
Just received a weird picture of Baggyman. There is no explanation for this. Oh, the humanity. We just received a hot tip about the possible origins of this hellbeast. After we sort through and confirm its authenticity, we’ll post it here. Stay tuned, brave warriors.
Tuesday, March 17 – 2:08 p.m.
This piece was shoved under Spark’s doggie door late last night. While we have been able to verify some of the statements made, there is still no firm evidence as to the true origin or identity of the figure known as “Baggyman.”
In 1947 the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered. One scroll among the many detailed the life, existence, and death of an entity existing both on Earth and in Hell simultaneously, beholden to neither. This entity was known by many names, but today he is known as The Baggyman.
The scroll and any mention of its existence have vanished from the face of the Earth, but recent changes at the Vatican have yielded the most information ever available on the wraithlike Baggyman.
Baggyman’s origins are shrouded in mystery and lies. In one story, Baggyman was once a human. Granted the curse of immortality, Baggyman watched everything he loved succumb to the ravages of time. Unable to end his miserable existence, he turned to evil, killing, raping, abusing, and general douchebaggery. Growing bored of Earth, he devoted six lifetimes to discovering the entrance to Hell, finally succeeding around the turn of the 19th century.
Today it is believed that Baggyman is watching and waiting, for what nobody knows. While no murderes have been attributed to Baggyman in over 90 years, some feel that just his presence is enough to drive God-fearing people to murderous insanity. Recent carnages around the globe have followed purported Baggyman sightings, though Baggyman has never been implicated.
Stay tuned to ColuMn for more updates soon. This is a huge story and we’re dedicated to bringing it to you, with no thoughts for our own safety.
Tuesday, March 17 – 3:39 p.m.
Another disturbing image has emerged. Could Baggyman have something to do with the disappearance of Green Beret O’Connor?
More updates coming soon.
Tuesday, March 17 – 5:08 p.m.
We just received this telegram from one of the far corners of the globe. Chilling stuff, people. Chilling stuff.
Baggyman is in fact an interdimensional traveler whose real body only exists in his own hellish home world. Stop. He is able to use various brown paper products and adhesive materials as his portals into our world. Stop. His ability to stay in our world rests solely on his ability to enslave the souls of those whom he claims as his host. Stop.
People come across the “Mask” from time to time. Stop. Unsuspecting, they put it on merely as a gag, not knowing they are putting their very souls at risk. Stop. Slowly their own identity slips away and interdimensional possession edges closer and closer. Stop. Maybe there is a world of baggymen. Stop. Depending on who is the host, Baggyman can have different methods. Stop. One of which you are very familiar with. Stop. They all look the same, yet different, because they are the same…yet different. Stop.
Incredible stuff. I think we’re starting to put together a picture of who exactly this “Baggyman” is. Another photo just came through in my email. Wow. I think ColuMn might just win the Pulitzer with this coverage. This is going to alter the very fabric of our civilization. More soon.
Tuesday, March 17 – 6:30
Here’s the picture. It arrived with no explanation, so all we can do is guess exactly what black magic Baggyman is conjuring.
Tuesday, March 17 – 8:05
Yet another possible origin for the entity known only as Baggyman has emerged in the past hour. This one points to Baggyman as a completely non-human demonic force — less a living being and more a force of nature.
Which one of these origins are true, if any? Or are all of the true? Or false? Or is one of them false and two are true? Or are two true and one is false? Whatever his origin, it is indisputable that Baggyman IS active in the Northwestern United States. Footage has surfaced of Baggyman, including dozens of still photos and the damaged remains of at least three videos. ColuMn has obtained those videos and pictures and we are currently editing them into stupid, uninspired videos.
What is Baggyman? Who is Baggyman? Maybe, just maybe, we’re all Baggyman. And if I am Baggyman, I have just one question for you. Can you smell the Bag?
– TO BE CONTINUED –