I Met Kool-Aid Man

Like every article I write, I’m going on the assumption that sometime in the mid-22nd century, ColuMn will finally achieve astronomical success as nearly everyone on the planet will be able to recite cmsof’s Judas Priest review by heart.  The O’Connor Chronicles will be nine installments into what will end up being a 35-film franchise.  And Sparks, who will be ColuMn’s only remaining living writer (cmsof and I will exist as blobs of plasma and travel the galaxy in search of Heavy Barrel), will be the world’s most-loved celebrity.

Future Sparks
With a planet obsessing over every lêttΣr and punctuat!on m@rk, I wonder just how much of ColuMn our decendents will truly understand.  Will they still have Chocodiles and will poop jokes still be funny?  My God.  What am I saying?  Of course poop jokes will still be funny.  What kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare do I think the future will devolve into?  Sometimes I can be a real idiot.

Yep.  Still funny.
In the interest of further cataloging this time period for countless generations of ColuMnists™, today I am traveling back to a more innocent age.  An age when drinking almost lethal amounts of cheap alcohol and smoking four packs of smokes at a time was still considered a healthy lifestyle.

Ahhh.  Refreshing.
That’s right, pals.  We’re going all the way back to the early 1990’s.  All the way back to the day that I met Kool-Aid Man.

Kool-Aid Man

I have always loved the cold, refreshing, fruit-like flavor of Kool-Aid, and that love has led me to a special relationship with corporate mascot, Kool-Aid Man.  My first exposure to this ultra-cool, X-treme dude was as a lad, enjoying a glass of Kool-Aid from a Kool-Aid Man cup, poured from a Kool-Aid Man pitcher, much like this photo, only way less red and twice as velvety.

One glass shy of a Kool-Aid Man pitcher and glass set.

I later thrilled to his adventures in his own exquisite comic book (which apparently lasted 6 issues! – how?).  I knew, even at an early age, that our destinies were intertwined.  So it wasn’t a complete shock when we finally met face-to-face.

The First Stunning Issue!
Except . . . I have no recollection of said meeting.  Nobody recalls my ever meeting Kool-Aid Man.  The Instigator, who was present at the time, has no memory of the event.  And yet, I obviously DID meet Kool-Aid Man.  I have the sticker.   Clearly, I met Kool-Aid Man.  And even more clearly, such a meeting would not be easily forgotten.


Image not ripped off of internet!

Posting this image twice proves how much I met Kool-Aid Man.


I’m left with the brutal certainty that, through the magical elixir, Purplesaurus Rex, Kool-Aid has systematically, and with a surgeon’s precision, erased the memory of that historic meeting from my mind.  Why, I cannot tell you.  But it’s quite simply the only possible explanation.

It's people!  Or Kool-Aid.  You decide.
Kool-Aid Man, if you’re reading this (and we both know that you are), read it carefully.  I will discover your shameful secret and I WILL have my memories of our time together restored.  And if you cannot accept that grim certainty, then I suggest that you, sir, go straight to Hell.


Kool-Aid Man's fate if he doesn't restore my memories.

Kool-Aid Man’s fate if he doesn’t restore my memories.



13 thoughts on “I Met Kool-Aid Man

  1. Pingback: Kool-Aid Man |
  2. I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one today.

  3. If you are a real estate professional, be really careful in dealing with KoRes Corp. in Weston Florida. Tulio Rodriguez & Monica Cataluna-Shand are shysters and look for anyway to steal ones customers. They attempt to steal your client by requesting their contact information and later contact them behind your back to get them to deal with them directly.

    • Wow. Thanks for that vital bit of information. I mean, thank god that you realized my article on Kool-Aid was code for “Real Estate Professional”. Kudos, sir.

  4. I was friends with Kool Aid Man in the early 1990s and am friends with him still. You can find him in in L4D2 PC servers under the name El Cad. He once roamed the coast, visiting grocery stores and frightening small children. I still have a partial roll of stickers he left. You can find us on Steam. Come armed.

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