Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts



Milkshake Pop-Tarts you say?

That is one runny milkshake.


So there have been 106 posts on ColuMn so far.  Out of all those posts, I was shocked and dismayed to discover that NOT ONE was devoted to Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts.  NOT ONE!  I know!

The only thing I can do at this point is to try to remedy that in some small way through ColuMn’s first-ever review of Pop-Tarts.

Now, it’s a well-known internet fact that BlackJack enjoys Cherry and Brown Sugar flavors the mostest.  But what’s a little less known is that my favorite was discontinued a few years back:  Frosted Apple.  I think they still offer an Apple Pop-Tart, but it’s sans frosting.  And that, my friends, is just not something I would ever put in my mouth.  And I eat poop.

So I’ve been searching these many years to no avail.  No single flavor of Pop-Tart ever really appealed to me.  I wrote to Kellogg’s begging for the aforementioned “poop” flavor, but my pleas went unanswered.  Until now.

Well, not the Poop Pop-Tarts, but my pleas for a Pop-Tart I could love again.

Frosted, the way God intended.

Another fact well-documented at various Sparks fan sites is that I prefer my Pop-Tarts to be untoasted.  But for the sake of this review, I am willing to eat one raw and one toasted.  Happy?

First the raw one.  Hmmm.  These are a lot like these donuts BlackJack used to feed me in the 80s (he’s a terrible pet owner).  They were your basic chocolate frosted donuts, only instead of chocolate icing they used vanilla.  Another thing these remind me of of at Lik-M-Aid stick in Fun-Dip.

The frosting is nice and think and the presence of sprinkles makes me giggle with glee like a schoolgirl sniffing her first ass.  Uh.  If school girls were bitches.  And by bitches, I of course, mean female dogs.  Anyhoo. . . .


On to the toasted Tart.  This definitely has a slightly different taste and it distinctly more along the lines of “vanilla milkshake”.  And the whole package really is toasty goodness.  As much as I’m a huge fan of the untoasted Pop-Tart, I gotta say, with this particular flavor I think I actually prefer toasted.

I highly recommend not only Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts (though if you’re a kid and your parents are buying you Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts, a word of warning:  I think they’re trying to kill you), but Pop-Tarts in general.  If it’s been a while since you last had one of these delicious breakfast toaster pastries, I suggest you go to the store right now and pick up at least one box of each flavor your local grocer offers.  You won’t (ie. will) regret it.



Part of a nutricious breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner.

Part of a nutritious breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner.



Serving size:  1 pastry (really?  why do they come two to the packet then?)
Calories: 200 (holy shit!)
Total fat:  6 grams
Sodium:  200 mg

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  Even though the box says in bold type, “WITH CALCIUM”, Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts contain only 10% of your RDA of Calcium!  Eat it, sucker!

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★

Oh, man.  I was just about to put this puppy to bed, when I glanced at the box and saw this:

Damn you, Kellogg!Can the ColuMn review be far behind?


8 thoughts on “Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts

  1. I was just scouring the internet to see what other people thought and most of the reviews were negative. So kudos to you for enjoying appreciating vanilla. Mmm.

  2. Sweet! I’ve been keeping an eye out, but so far no luck. I’m quite envious. I am working my way through a box of Campfire Mints, though. I should freeze those. They’re like big Junior Mints I guess and there is nothing better than frozen Junior Mints.

    Hope you enjoyed your Colbert. I haven’t had a chance to watch last night’s episode yet. His McCartney interview was genius, though.

  3. GUESS WHAT!! GUESS WHAT!!! I am the proud owner of a box of Strawberry Milkshake poptarts!!! After I checked out the EZ Bake ovens in the toy section of Walmart, I went over to the crappy food aisle and there it was. I swear I heard angels sighing and a kind of aura surrounded the box that gently beckoned to me.

    It’s in my freezer awaiting our rendezvous later on tonight when Colbert comes on.

  4. Okay, I’ll try them. I’ll even look for the Strawberry milkshake ones. But I have to share this with you: Cookies and Cream poptarts….frozen. I’ll say no more. Just try them.

  5. I’ve definitely eaten my last Pop-Tart for a while. Until I find those Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts anyway. I looked for them last night at the grocery store, but no luck. I did find a bunch of other crap to waste time writing about, though. I’ve got a full plate (so to speak) through March.

  6. I used to love poptarts until I stupidly read the calorie information. Why did I do that? That’s why I love beer. They don’t tell you how many calories you’re drinking.

    Thanks for the continuing education on all those foods Mom never let us have and we had to sneak down to 7-11 for.

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