The Christmas Miracle

The Christmas Miracle

Kenneth the IT guy worked in a busy office. He hated the peons he was forced to service day in and day out.


Nearly every call that came in ended with Kenneth shouting into the phone, “Are you a moron?! A First Level Castle Mage could figure this out! It’s a hard reboot!” before slamming the phone down as hard as he could, taking a nice long pull off his inhaler.


The worst time of year for Kenneth was Christmas.


He hated the way the peons would overload the electrical outlets with their novelty lights and assorted do-dads.


“Why must they make such a crass display?” Kenneth would wonder. 



But you see, my friends, Kenneth was a bit of a hypocrite.

Quite a display.


For his disgusting hovel was decorated with so many lights and decals and trees and so much holiday spirit that legend says that the heat of the lights could be seen radiating from the squalid basement studio apartment from almost two full blocks away.

Home sweet home.


But one day, after a particularly grueling upgrade at the office, Kenneth had had enough.  “The day after Christmas,” Kenneth promised himself, “I’ll kill them all.”

Ho ho ho

Kenneth caressed the carbine assault rifle and kicked an old pizza box off of the filthy coffee table so he could put his feet up and watch a very special Christmas episode of “Elimidate”.

Douchebag Certified


Alas, Kenneth never did get a chance to carry out his plan.

Deep breaths

The whippits that littered his feculent living space exploded on Christmas night when the roughly 10,000 bulbs and 1000 strands of joyous Christmas lights superheated the tiny apartment, causing a flash fire to incinerate the dwelling in minutes.

Kenneth is so hot.

The fire was contained to Kenneth’s unit as if God himself had unleashed his merciless wrath on the zit-faced cherub.

Jesus is my coach.


When the hellishly hot inferno had subsided, investigators discovered Kenneth’s completely nude corpse, covered in his own feces, with a nitrous oxide mask melted into the still smoldering flesh of his face and the scorched tatters of a Santa hat on his horribly scarred head.

A Christmas Miracle





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