Pac-Man Fruit Bonus Energy Drink

I’m not a huge fan of energy drinks.  I enjoy the occasional Vodka Red Bull or, in a pinch a Vodka Rock Star, but on their own I find energy drinks to be pretty putrid.  But I’m also a sucker for a great label, which is how I came to purchase two cans of Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink.

You’d think with a name like Pac-Man BONUS FRUIT Energy Drink that the drink itself would taste, I don’t know, fruity.  It does now.  In fact, on not-even-closer inspection of the label, it clearly states, “Contains no fruit or fruit juice.”  Which isn’t surprising at all since Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink tastes almost exactly like Red Bull.  Except that it’s sweeter.  And if you close your eyes and take a shallow breath, you can almost smell fruit.  But once you taste it, that fruit sensation is obliterated by energy drink taste.

I used to love to play Pac-Man when I was a kid.  I was descent on the arcade version, but just killed on the much-easier Atari home version.  I could still be playing the game I started in 1981 if I hadn’t had to, uh, live a life.  I guess it’s a good thing that the energy drink version of Pac-Man waited until I was old to be released, as the label clearly reads, “PRODUCT NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN.”

It’s basically morons like me that buy this shit, I guess.  People who make every purchased based exclusively on packaging.  That said, it’s really no more expensive than a can of Red Bull, so I don’t feel that I got completely taken.

The company that makes this syrup water is the Boston America Corp., who I have not heard of until right now.  They seem to specialize in products that cash in on the cultural milestones of my youth.  Hey, I’m not judging.  I’m all for it.  Just take a look at their site.  Awesome.  ColuMn doesn’t usually take the step to endorse a company or their products, but in this case we just might (we won’t – cmsof).

ColuMn FACTS!
110 Calories
175 mg fat
28 g Sugars
30 g Carbohydrates

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  Contains 70% of your Recommended Daily Allowance of Vitamin B6 and 210% of Vitamin B12!

ColuMn Rating:  ★★

Sparks’ Sandbox

It’s been a while since the last edition of Sparks’ Sandbox. Remember back in the day when cmsof actually gave me my own page? You’d think my punishment for shitting on his carpet would be over by now, but he refuses to restore my dignity.

Anyway, he has agreed to let me do one last Sandbox because, you see, I’m leaving ColuMn. I’ll show up in 2010 once or twice, but my daily invvolvement will come to an end.

Both cmsof and BlackJack have both embarrassed themselves and begged me to stay, but there are other projects that I’m itching to tackle.

Beginning early in 2010 I’m going on a world tour with fellow ColuMn icons Baggyman, O’Connor, and Dirty Baby Santa. Our show will be in a variety format, with jokes, songs, dancing, and soul-teabagging.

Baggyman is unreachable until February and O’Connor is busy overseeing The O’Connor Chronicles Season Two DVD Cut, but Dirty Baby Santa and I are busy rehearsing a new routine.

I’ll always think back fondly on my two years writing for ColuMn and look forward to contributing more reviews and articles in the future. The site will no doubt go under once I’m gone.

See you in a community theater near you in 2010!

Yours,

Sparks

White Fudge Covered Oreo

Back in the 90s, while browsing the cookie aisle in search of some holiday munchies, I discovered White Fudge Covered Oreo (I don’t know why they don’t make it plural, but I’m going with it). Back then the box was a thing of majestic beauty. You’d remove the exterior decorative wrapped to expose a simple white box. Lifting the lid, the sight greeting you was a dozen virgin white cookies arranged vertically in almost military precision, each cookie held snugly in its own slot of a clear platic tray. The invitation to devour was impossible to resist.

From the moment of discovery through today, when green and red start taking over the store shelves, I have always kept an eye peeled for the delicious seasonal indulgences. There were a few years that I couldn’t find any. Those were dark years. It’s a memory best left in the past.

White Fudge Covered Oreo are not something I’ll actively hunt down, but they are something I’ll snap up immediately if I spot them, without hesitation, for these are my all-time favorite cookies. I realize that white chocolate (and white fudge) are not something most people like. I don’t understand it, and like most things pertaining to taste, it’s difficult for people to verbally express exactly what they don’t like about it. I think a big part of it is that it doesn’t have a very good name. White Chocolate. It’s not right. Chocolate isn’t white. I think when most people hear the word “chocolate” they have a very specific culinary experience in mind. White Chocolate is in need of some aggressive re-branding.

But I’m way off point here. White Chocolate Covered Oreo is exactly what they claim it to be: a regular ol’ Oreo cookie completely covered with thick white chocolate. It’s a lot like the hard chocolate shell that covers an ice cream cone. That consitency, though the texture is softer. It tastes, as you’d imagine, like white chocolate and Oreo cookie. When the chocolate cookie, white chocolate coating, and creamy center intermix, magic orgasms in your mouth.

If you like white chocolate, I can’t recommend these highly enough. If you don’t like white chocolate, you will most likely not like them, and I can offer you nothing but my pity and smug superiority.

ColuMn FACTS!

Cyber Monday

The ColuMn store has been updated with dozens of new products just in time for Christmas.  From the insanely expensive to the absolutely batshit crazy cheap (Less than $9 for a t-shirt!), there’s a little something for everybody.  A few of my favorites:

The Sleeveless Tee - don’t deliver your wife’s Christmas beating without it.

Sweatshirt – in two nearly-identical colors!

Hoodie – something fun for your kid to hid his glock in.

secret

secret

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The $8.99 Shirt – seriously.  This is a no-brainer.

Onesie – kids just love Dirty Baby Santa.  And he loves kids.

se

secret

cret

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Thong – Put Dirty Baby Santa right above your Dirty Baby Maker.  Also available in boxers!

Ornament – no tree is complete with Dirty Baby Santa ruining it.

secret

secret

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Greeting Cards – Nothing says, “Remove me from your Christmas card list” quite like Dirty Baby Santa.  Available as single cards or in packets of 10 and 20.

Journal – write all your secrets down inside Dirty Baby Santa.  He won’t tell if you don’t.

secret

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Get there soon, because around December 10 I’ll be changing out some of the products with a NEW image.

Here are some coupon codes to ease the pain:

November 30th (Cyber Monday) – Free economy shipping on orders of $60 or more with coupon code: MONDAYSHIP You missed out, LOSER!
December 7th – 9th – Free economy shipping on orders of $50 or more with coupon code: HOLIDAYSHIPS
December 14th – 18th – Guaranteed delivery by December 25th with Standard Shipping (no coupon code needed)

And if that isn’t enough, I’m also selling personalized O’Connor sketches throughout December.  For a measly $5 I’ll draw a picture of O’Connor on a 3×5 card and send it to you.  I’ll take special requests, but remember: I’m a terrible artist.  Shoot me an email at cmsof.com@gmail.com.

Dear Lady GaGa

Dear Lady GaGa,

I know you read ColuMn. GiGi is a brilliant alias, but according to O’Connor you just replaced the a’s in your name with i’s. Which really, when you think about it, means your alias should be Lidy GiGi. The point is, you might fool me, you might fool BlackJack, you might even fool cmsof, but NOBODY fools O’Connor.

So you and I both know that you’re reading this. Probably wearing that blue sex clothes thing from the Poker Face video. Yeah. That’s exactly how it is. Don’t bother denying it.

I could beat around the bush and completely bullshit you with verbal feces like, “I really enjoy your music,” or even, “You have a lot of talent,” but I only have limited space here, so I should get right to the point (he says after three paragraphs of rambling nothing – I know, right?).

I think you and I would make a great couple. Like there’s not even a good pop culture reference for how awesome of a couple we would make. Brad and Angelina? Tony and Angela? Paris and syphallis? They’re all fine examples. We’d just be that much better. Let’s just look at the facts as they exist and if, after I present my case, you can actually form the word “no”, then you will never hear from me again.

Exhibit A – I’m a robot dog. You do a killer robot. It’s like I could stop here, but I’m not going to. There’s more.

Exhibit B – You’re beautiful, talented, wealthy, famous, and a full-on pop culture icon loved by millions. I write for ColuMn. If opposites attract, it’s insane if we DON’T get together.

Exhibit C – It’s worth repeating. You’re rich. In addition to that, you’re “on the road” a lot. I am totally cool with that. With GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony out this past week, Modern Warfare 2 coming out next week, and Left 4 Dead 2 dropping the week after that, I actually prefer you not be around that much, as I will be quitting my job to devote every waking moment to being your full-time lover (waiting patiently for you to return from your tour as I keep myself busy on Xbox. I can be brave for you, sweetie). Don’t forget to stock up on Snausages and pay your internet bill before you leave.

I know there are some cons alongside that epic list of pros. There is a little bit of an age discrepancy. You’re 23. I’m 280 in dog years. But I’m also a robot. And my tail vibrates.

So, Lady GaGa, the ball is, as they say, in your “court”. I await your arrival at the ColuMn offices where we all live and work. You might even get the chance to write a Taco Bell review (you won’t – cmsof).

Until then, my love, I remain,

Sir Sparks

Movie Monsters

One of the most influential books in the hallowed halls of horror is Alan Ormsby’s 1975 opus, Movie Monsters.  As the cover indicates, it not only (briefly) explores the mythology of some of the great movie maniacs, but also shows you how to make and apply “Monster Make-Up” and includes a detailed script and other tips for “Monster Shows to put on.”

Published by Scholastic Book Services, Movie Monsters has very brief descriptions for eleven classic creatures and an extremely short bio of Lon Chaney.

Most of the monster descriptions are one page, with an accompanying photo on a second page, with some minor variations.  In re-reading this tome for the first time in probably 50 decades, I’m just now realizing that all of the entries focus mostly on make-up and make-up effects.  I know make-up effects are an important part of horror movies, but an entire children’s book dedicated to the art easily explains why the book remains popular to this day.

The author, who wrote such films as My Bodyguard, Porky’s II: The Next Day, Popcorn (which he also directed, uncredited), and Mulan (wtf?), got out of the make-up game in 1977.  He wastes valuable pages on a vanity section where he boringly details that one time he played a monster in a school play.  I must admit, I cried during this section, but only out of boredom and a desperate hope that the tears would blur my vision, giving me an excuse to stop reading.

Then we move onto the “How to Make a Monster” portion of the book.  Disappointingly, there is no mention of murder, rape, or corpse-stealing, instead focusing on, you guessed it, make-up.

People too stupid to have thought of this themselves probably shouldn't be trusted with a flashlight.

Some effects, like “Light and Shadow” are ridiculously easy.  I like how the directions explicitly state that you need a mirror.  Because, I’m guessing, based on personal experience, the author knows that if you’re reading this book, odds are you are a lonely, pathetic outsider and the mirror is your only conceivable audience.  And even it looks at you with disgust.

Other effects are insanely complex.  Take, for example, the “Brown Bag Frankenstein”.  This is no Unknown Comic or even Baggyman, folks.  This is an hours-long process that is so technically difficult, you need to spend three years as a make-up effects apprentice to even attempt it.  I remember as a kid thinking how awesome it would be to make this thing, soon realizing that I’d likely just end up with a paper sack glued to my head.

(click to enlarge and make your own! PhD required)

The next part of the book is “The Monster of Frankenstein”, a terrible script that I’m horrified to think some unfortunate parents might have had to sit through at some point.  God, this would be sanity-robbing to see untalented kids “perform”.  Hopefully someone had the foresight to hide the shotgun shells from Dad.

After that, we get a couple of improbable “tricks”, like “The Floating Head”, which only works if your head resembles a fully inflated helium balloon.  This is followed by a section called “Props”, which basically assumes you have a fully stocked Hollywood studio in your back yard.  ”Supplies And Sources” is  somewhat more helpful, urging kids to head to the Salvation Army.

The ending, in a nutshell,  is kind of a letdown.  Ormsby shoots is load in the first 28 pages and it never really matches that start.

I’ve been pretty hard on this book, but in all honesty, I really loved it when I was a kid.  There’s a reason that I still have it.  As a first exposure to the classic Universal Monsters, you really couldn’t do much better.  The text is easy reading and it has some cool black and white photos of a bunch of monsters.  On top of that, it was probably my earliest introduction to what actually went into making a movie.

I only know one thing is for sure.  If I ever have a kid, he or she is making the fucking Frankenstein mask.  And if they whine about how it’s “too hard” or “won’t work”, I will beat the spirit of Halloween into them and confiscate their candy, teaching them a valuable lesson.  Just like that one episode of Cosby.

ColuMn’s 2009 Halloween Novelty of the Year

For the past 35 years, ColuMn has handed out a prestigious award to the best Halloween decoration/candy/costume added to our personal collection.  This year the voting was unanimous for Target’s Pirate Dropping Head Halloween Décor.  It’s animated, it’s a pirate, it’s a skull, it screams, it’s eye blinks red.  There’s really nothing more you could or should ask for in a Halloween decoration.

Volcano Nachos

Hello, Taco Bell fans.  Or is that fan?  Anyway, who didn’t see this one coming?  I’ve experienced  The Volcano Taco and bathed in the warm, thick juices of The Volcano Box, and I’ve lived to tell the tale.  But Volcano Nachos may just be my closest brush with death to date.  Here is the story.

Volcano Nachos have been on my radar for some time.  Being an avid Taco Bell Volcanologist, I really wanted to race out and order a plate.  I’ve even been to Taco Bell a couple of times and somehow come away without Volcano Nachos.  The reason why is simple:

They have 990 calories.

Yes, friends.  This small plate of cheese-covered chips is the culinary equivalent of a massive coronary, served with a side of flaming hot butt mud.  But I have a responsibility to the ColuMn reader to see this insane experiment through to the lard-soaked end.  So this past weekend, in the midst of a terrible hangover, I took the plunge.

I fully intended to NOT eat the entire plate of death, so I ordered some couple items, each of questionable nutritional value, but reasonable enough to where I was more or less assured of a non-poop-related death.  I topped it off with the customary Mountain Dew Baja Blast and headed for home, fighting back a hangover that was only getting worse with the introduction of the Taco Bell aroma into the cramped confines of the Sparksmobile.

The Sparksmobile

I burst into the ColuMn office and tossed BlackJack his Double Deckers.  As he licked them into a fine paste, I approached the Volcano Nachos.  At first, I was surprised by how small the plate was.  Could this really be 990 calories?

A pristine plate of Volcano Nachos.

Digging deeper, I began to inventory the ingredients.  Chips, red “Volcano Taco Shell” chips strips, cheese, Volcano Sauce, beef, beans, sour cream, and jalapeños.   If the number 990 hadn’t been flashing in my head, I would have tore through this plate in about 13 seconds.

These may be the hottest entry in the Volcano family.  The addition of the jalapeños really packs a punch.  And the Volcano Sauce seems somehow hotter.  It’s like you just can’t escape it here.

All that being said, I didn’t each much.  They were okay, but not nearly as good as The Volcano Taco or The Volcano Burrito.

The aftermath.

I can’t in good conscience recommend these.  I need all the readers I can get and I just can’t bring myself to condemn even one of you to certain death.

Translation: For the love of god, man! DO NOT EAT!

ColuMn FACTS!
990 calories
61 grams of fat
9 grams of saturated fat
1.5 grams of trans fat
1880 grams of sodium

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  At $3.69, the Taco Bell Volcano Nachos platter is one of the cheapest ways to completely clean out your colon.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★

Mountain Dew Throwback

A year ago I spent way too much time and effort looking into the Mountain Dew DewMocracy. I was less than impressed and went back for seconds on exactly zero of the three offerings. In fact, aside from a casual flirtation with Code Red and Live Wire, I’ve never really been a big fan of the Dew.

When Pepsi announced they were going to be selling Pepsi and Mountain Dew sweetened with natural sugar, I knew I’d bite. I’ve already review the Pepsi Throwback. But what about the Mountain Dew Throwback? Would I become a Dew-vert (that’s Mountain Dew convert, not Mountain Dew pervert)? Let’s find out.

Hmmm. It’s actually not horrible. A lot of the Dew soft drinks taste almost like chemicals and are universally sickeningly sweet. But this tastes good. It’s still sweet, but it doesn’t seem AS sweet as regular old Mountain Dew. I would actually drink this again. Not all the time, but on occasion.

I’m not sure how long the Throwback brand will stick around. I’m hoping permanently. These are a little hard to find, but well worth seeking out.

The Volcano Box

After trying the Volcano Taco back in October, I thought I’d probably be back for more.  But it didn’t turn out that way.  In my quest to not die before the premiere of Melrose Place, my visits to Taco Bell were extremely sparse.  So much so that recently I began to wonder if the Volcano Taco even still existed.  As things often happen, within 24 hours I caught the commerical for the Volcano Burrito.  I was sold.  To hell with living.  I had to have me a Volcano Burrito.

As I pulled up to the drive-thru of my local Taco Bell, I immediately saw the ad for The Volcano Box.  No other thought was required from that point on.  I ordered The Box with a Mountain Dew Baja Blast.  Rushing home, it was all I could do not to pry open the cover of the wonderous box to inspect the prizes contained within.

Sure, it comes with not only a Volcano Double Beef Burrito, but a Volcano Taco.  Even thatwouldn’t require a box to contain it.  So they did what they had to do and threw in a bag of Cinnamon Twists AND another plain old hard shell taco.  I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but somehow the tacos had mated and reproduced while being transported from Taco Bell to my house, and a Double Decker taco had magically appeared.  Yes, that’s an unhealthy amount of Taco Bell “food”, but dammit,  I was up to the challenge, having already conceded I was most likely going to die from this.

Mmmm.  The juicy goodness.  Of course, the first thing I hit was the Volcano Double Beef Burrito.  How could I resist?  I have to say, the Volcano Double Beef Burrito is awesome.  It has the Taco Bell meat, cheese, rice, and the hot cheese sauce that is also used on the Volcano Taco.  But it also has little bits of the hard red tortilla shell that they use to make the Volcano Taco.  And this really makes all the difference.

If you’re completely wasted and find yourself behind the wheel of your car at 1:30 on a Wednesday morning, you should definitely consider hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru and ordering The Volcano Box.  At $6.50, it’s a great value.  The food is very spicy for fast food and, as an unexpected bonus, actually pretty tasty.

One negative was that my Mountain Dew Baja Blast had next to no actual Mountain Dew Baja Blast syrup in it.  Comprised 90% of carbonated water, it did not have the desired effect of washing town this metric ton of fast food.