Dear Lady GaGa

Dear Lady GaGa,

I know you read ColuMn. GiGi is a brilliant alias, but according to O’Connor you just replaced the a’s in your name with i’s. Which really, when you think about it, means your alias should be Lidy GiGi. The point is, you might fool me, you might fool BlackJack, you might even fool cmsof, but NOBODY fools O’Connor.

So you and I both know that you’re reading this. Probably wearing that blue sex clothes thing from the Poker Face video. Yeah. That’s exactly how it is. Don’t bother denying it.

I could beat around the bush and completely bullshit you with verbal feces like, “I really enjoy your music,” or even, “You have a lot of talent,” but I only have limited space here, so I should get right to the point (he says after three paragraphs of rambling nothing – I know, right?).

I think you and I would make a great couple. Like there’s not even a good pop culture reference for how awesome of a couple we would make. Brad and Angelina? Tony and Angela? Paris and syphallis? They’re all fine examples. We’d just be that much better. Let’s just look at the facts as they exist and if, after I present my case, you can actually form the word “no”, then you will never hear from me again.

Exhibit A – I’m a robot dog. You do a killer robot. It’s like I could stop here, but I’m not going to. There’s more.

Exhibit B – You’re beautiful, talented, wealthy, famous, and a full-on pop culture icon loved by millions. I write for ColuMn. If opposites attract, it’s insane if we DON’T get together.

Exhibit C – It’s worth repeating. You’re rich. In addition to that, you’re “on the road” a lot. I am totally cool with that. With GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony out this past week, Modern Warfare 2 coming out next week, and Left 4 Dead 2 dropping the week after that, I actually prefer you not be around that much, as I will be quitting my job to devote every waking moment to being your full-time lover (waiting patiently for you to return from your tour as I keep myself busy on Xbox. I can be brave for you, sweetie). Don’t forget to stock up on Snausages and pay your internet bill before you leave.

I know there are some cons alongside that epic list of pros. There is a little bit of an age discrepancy. You’re 23. I’m 280 in dog years. But I’m also a robot. And my tail vibrates.

So, Lady GaGa, the ball is, as they say, in your “court”. I await your arrival at the ColuMn offices where we all live and work. You might even get the chance to write a Taco Bell review (you won’t – cmsof).

Until then, my love, I remain,

Sir Sparks

Movie Monsters

One of the most influential books in the hallowed halls of horror is Alan Ormsby’s 1975 opus, Movie Monsters.  As the cover indicates, it not only (briefly) explores the mythology of some of the great movie maniacs, but also shows you how to make and apply “Monster Make-Up” and includes a detailed script and other tips for “Monster Shows to put on.”

Published by Scholastic Book Services, Movie Monsters has very brief descriptions for eleven classic creatures and an extremely short bio of Lon Chaney.

Most of the monster descriptions are one page, with an accompanying photo on a second page, with some minor variations.  In re-reading this tome for the first time in probably 50 decades, I’m just now realizing that all of the entries focus mostly on make-up and make-up effects.  I know make-up effects are an important part of horror movies, but an entire children’s book dedicated to the art easily explains why the book remains popular to this day.

The author, who wrote such films as My Bodyguard, Porky’s II: The Next Day, Popcorn (which he also directed, uncredited), and Mulan (wtf?), got out of the make-up game in 1977.  He wastes valuable pages on a vanity section where he boringly details that one time he played a monster in a school play.  I must admit, I cried during this section, but only out of boredom and a desperate hope that the tears would blur my vision, giving me an excuse to stop reading.

Then we move onto the “How to Make a Monster” portion of the book.  Disappointingly, there is no mention of murder, rape, or corpse-stealing, instead focusing on, you guessed it, make-up.

People too stupid to have thought of this themselves probably shouldn't be trusted with a flashlight.

Some effects, like “Light and Shadow” are ridiculously easy.  I like how the directions explicitly state that you need a mirror.  Because, I’m guessing, based on personal experience, the author knows that if you’re reading this book, odds are you are a lonely, pathetic outsider and the mirror is your only conceivable audience.  And even it looks at you with disgust.

Other effects are insanely complex.  Take, for example, the “Brown Bag Frankenstein”.  This is no Unknown Comic or even Baggyman, folks.  This is an hours-long process that is so technically difficult, you need to spend three years as a make-up effects apprentice to even attempt it.  I remember as a kid thinking how awesome it would be to make this thing, soon realizing that I’d likely just end up with a paper sack glued to my head.

(click to enlarge and make your own! PhD required)

The next part of the book is “The Monster of Frankenstein”, a terrible script that I’m horrified to think some unfortunate parents might have had to sit through at some point.  God, this would be sanity-robbing to see untalented kids “perform”.  Hopefully someone had the foresight to hide the shotgun shells from Dad.

After that, we get a couple of improbable “tricks”, like “The Floating Head”, which only works if your head resembles a fully inflated helium balloon.  This is followed by a section called “Props”, which basically assumes you have a fully stocked Hollywood studio in your back yard.  ”Supplies And Sources” is  somewhat more helpful, urging kids to head to the Salvation Army.

The ending, in a nutshell,  is kind of a letdown.  Ormsby shoots is load in the first 28 pages and it never really matches that start.

I’ve been pretty hard on this book, but in all honesty, I really loved it when I was a kid.  There’s a reason that I still have it.  As a first exposure to the classic Universal Monsters, you really couldn’t do much better.  The text is easy reading and it has some cool black and white photos of a bunch of monsters.  On top of that, it was probably my earliest introduction to what actually went into making a movie.

I only know one thing is for sure.  If I ever have a kid, he or she is making the fucking Frankenstein mask.  And if they whine about how it’s “too hard” or “won’t work”, I will beat the spirit of Halloween into them and confiscate their candy, teaching them a valuable lesson.  Just like that one episode of Cosby.

ColuMn’s 2009 Halloween Novelty of the Year

For the past 35 years, ColuMn has handed out a prestigious award to the best Halloween decoration/candy/costume added to our personal collection.  This year the voting was unanimous for Target’s Pirate Dropping Head Halloween Décor.  It’s animated, it’s a pirate, it’s a skull, it screams, it’s eye blinks red.  There’s really nothing more you could or should ask for in a Halloween decoration.

Volcano Nachos

Hello, Taco Bell fans.  Or is that fan?  Anyway, who didn’t see this one coming?  I’ve experienced  The Volcano Taco and bathed in the warm, thick juices of The Volcano Box, and I’ve lived to tell the tale.  But Volcano Nachos may just be my closest brush with death to date.  Here is the story.

Volcano Nachos have been on my radar for some time.  Being an avid Taco Bell Volcanologist, I really wanted to race out and order a plate.  I’ve even been to Taco Bell a couple of times and somehow come away without Volcano Nachos.  The reason why is simple:

They have 990 calories.

Yes, friends.  This small plate of cheese-covered chips is the culinary equivalent of a massive coronary, served with a side of flaming hot butt mud.  But I have a responsibility to the ColuMn reader to see this insane experiment through to the lard-soaked end.  So this past weekend, in the midst of a terrible hangover, I took the plunge.

I fully intended to NOT eat the entire plate of death, so I ordered some couple items, each of questionable nutritional value, but reasonable enough to where I was more or less assured of a non-poop-related death.  I topped it off with the customary Mountain Dew Baja Blast and headed for home, fighting back a hangover that was only getting worse with the introduction of the Taco Bell aroma into the cramped confines of the Sparksmobile.

The Sparksmobile

I burst into the ColuMn office and tossed BlackJack his Double Deckers.  As he licked them into a fine paste, I approached the Volcano Nachos.  At first, I was surprised by how small the plate was.  Could this really be 990 calories?

A pristine plate of Volcano Nachos.

Digging deeper, I began to inventory the ingredients.  Chips, red “Volcano Taco Shell” chips strips, cheese, Volcano Sauce, beef, beans, sour cream, and jalapeños.   If the number 990 hadn’t been flashing in my head, I would have tore through this plate in about 13 seconds.

These may be the hottest entry in the Volcano family.  The addition of the jalapeños really packs a punch.  And the Volcano Sauce seems somehow hotter.  It’s like you just can’t escape it here.

All that being said, I didn’t each much.  They were okay, but not nearly as good as The Volcano Taco or The Volcano Burrito.

The aftermath.

I can’t in good conscience recommend these.  I need all the readers I can get and I just can’t bring myself to condemn even one of you to certain death.

Translation: For the love of god, man! DO NOT EAT!

ColuMn FACTS!
990 calories
61 grams of fat
9 grams of saturated fat
1.5 grams of trans fat
1880 grams of sodium

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  At $3.69, the Taco Bell Volcano Nachos platter is one of the cheapest ways to completely clean out your colon.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★

Mountain Dew Throwback

A year ago I spent way too much time and effort looking into the Mountain Dew DewMocracy. I was less than impressed and went back for seconds on exactly zero of the three offerings. In fact, aside from a casual flirtation with Code Red and Live Wire, I’ve never really been a big fan of the Dew.

When Pepsi announced they were going to be selling Pepsi and Mountain Dew sweetened with natural sugar, I knew I’d bite. I’ve already review the Pepsi Throwback. But what about the Mountain Dew Throwback? Would I become a Dew-vert (that’s Mountain Dew convert, not Mountain Dew pervert)? Let’s find out.

Hmmm. It’s actually not horrible. A lot of the Dew soft drinks taste almost like chemicals and are universally sickeningly sweet. But this tastes good. It’s still sweet, but it doesn’t seem AS sweet as regular old Mountain Dew. I would actually drink this again. Not all the time, but on occasion.

I’m not sure how long the Throwback brand will stick around. I’m hoping permanently. These are a little hard to find, but well worth seeking out.

The Volcano Box

After trying the Volcano Taco back in October, I thought I’d probably be back for more.  But it didn’t turn out that way.  In my quest to not die before the premiere of Melrose Place, my visits to Taco Bell were extremely sparse.  So much so that recently I began to wonder if the Volcano Taco even still existed.  As things often happen, within 24 hours I caught the commerical for the Volcano Burrito.  I was sold.  To hell with living.  I had to have me a Volcano Burrito.

As I pulled up to the drive-thru of my local Taco Bell, I immediately saw the ad for The Volcano Box.  No other thought was required from that point on.  I ordered The Box with a Mountain Dew Baja Blast.  Rushing home, it was all I could do not to pry open the cover of the wonderous box to inspect the prizes contained within.

Sure, it comes with not only a Volcano Double Beef Burrito, but a Volcano Taco.  Even thatwouldn’t require a box to contain it.  So they did what they had to do and threw in a bag of Cinnamon Twists AND another plain old hard shell taco.  I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but somehow the tacos had mated and reproduced while being transported from Taco Bell to my house, and a Double Decker taco had magically appeared.  Yes, that’s an unhealthy amount of Taco Bell “food”, but dammit,  I was up to the challenge, having already conceded I was most likely going to die from this.

Mmmm.  The juicy goodness.  Of course, the first thing I hit was the Volcano Double Beef Burrito.  How could I resist?  I have to say, the Volcano Double Beef Burrito is awesome.  It has the Taco Bell meat, cheese, rice, and the hot cheese sauce that is also used on the Volcano Taco.  But it also has little bits of the hard red tortilla shell that they use to make the Volcano Taco.  And this really makes all the difference.

If you’re completely wasted and find yourself behind the wheel of your car at 1:30 on a Wednesday morning, you should definitely consider hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru and ordering The Volcano Box.  At $6.50, it’s a great value.  The food is very spicy for fast food and, as an unexpected bonus, actually pretty tasty.

One negative was that my Mountain Dew Baja Blast had next to no actual Mountain Dew Baja Blast syrup in it.  Comprised 90% of carbonated water, it did not have the desired effect of washing town this metric ton of fast food.

Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters

I’m not exactly Seattle’s biggest peanut butter novelty fanatic, but given my history with Nabisco’s Cakester brand, you know I just had to pick these up.

They’re about what you’d expect: an Oreo Cakester with peanut butter flavored creme filling. The peanut butter flavor is subtle. It is, after all, creme filling and not a glob of peanut butter between two chocolate cake disks.

Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters are a solid addition to the Cakester line-up. If peanut butter themed snacks are your thing, you can’t go wrong. The rest of us should stick with the Strawberry Creme Nilla Wafers.

★★★

Bakon Vodka

Bakon Vodka goes excellent with work.

I typically enjoy my vodka without the cutesy flavorings (TITO’S is THE BEST), but when a bottle of booze has a slab of bacon painted on it, you’re either curious enough to pick it up or repulsed enough to lay off the blts for twenty minutes or so.

You open the bottle and get a whiff. Yep. That’s bacon. I first tried it in Bloody Mary mix. I’m not a huge Bloody Mary drinker, but this was pretty damn tasty. I won’t be switching my drink from toilet gin to Bloody Marys anytime soon, but an occassional bacon-flavored Bloody Mary isn’t the worst fate in the history of humanity.

I next tried Bakon Vodka mixed with orange juice. I figured both bacon and o.j. were breakfast items. And o.j. and regular vodka were so tasty they had their own drink, so Bakon Vodka and o.j. should be a no-brainer.

And it was. You have to have no brains and less of a sense of taste to enjoy this catastrophe. Stick with tomato juice or Bloody Mary mix.

All in all, I recommend Bakon Vodka with some stipulation. You have to like Bloody Marys and you absolutely have to love bacon-flavored vodka.

Sky Bar

There was one thing that compelled me to buy this candy bar.  The name “Necco” right there in the upper left hand corner.  To the best of my knowledge, Necco isn’t exactly known for their chocolate.  Not expected much, I pluncked down my money and went for it.

The gimmick behind this candy bar (because let’s face it, nobody’s going to invent another Snickers anytime soon) is that each section of the bar contains a different flavored filling.  Here’s the rundown:

 

Fudge

Sorry for the  blurry picture.  I was, as usual, incredibly drunk on photo day.  Anyway, this was my first taste of the Necco Sky Bar and I was instantly impressed.  Mmm.  Extremely good and chocolately.  This is a great start.

 

Peanut

The second square (or third if you’re eating it the way you’re “supposed” to) is called “Peanut”.  You might expect there to be, I’m just tossing this out there, a peanut or something inside.  There are no peanut bits, but the nougat is definitely peanutty.  This sort of tastes like a Snickers bar without the chunks.

 

Vanilla

I’m a big fan of vanilla and was looking forward to this one most of all.  I was not disappointed.  This one had the pearly white nougat and tasted almost exactly like a Cadbury Easter Creme Egg.  It made me wonder if Necco and Cadbury weren’t using the same chocolate.  Maybe even the same factory.

 

Caramel

And then, finally, we come to the traditional “caramel”.  You know what this tastes like?  A chocolate-covered soft caramel.  Good job, Necco.

 

What a delightful surprise.  Necco, as we all know, is primarily known for their chalky candy wafers, with a seasonal nod to their Valentine’s Day Conversation Hearts.

This new “variety” candy bar is like a miniature collection of boxed candies, in the Russell Stover or Sees tradition.  This is a very good candy bar.  And how do they do it?  How do they make one bar with four different fillings?  Some mysteries are never meant to be solved, and this is one of them.

This comes highly recommended if you can find it.  Though it’s been around a while, this is the first time I have encountered it.

ColuMn FACTS!

Serving size: 1 bar
Calories:  200
Caleries from fat:  80
Sodium: 50mg
Sugars: 27g

ColuMn Fun Fact™: Sky Bar was first introduced in 1938!

Tiger Sauce

 

Heed the roar of the tiger.

With barbecue season upon us (more or less), I feel it’s my duty as the internet’s only saucitician to fill you in on my favorite sauce, TryMe® Tiger Sauce.

I first ran across this spicy, tangy sauce years ago at Bimbo’s Bitchin Burrito Kitchen in Seattle.  I knew that it was delicious with Mexican food, but I only recently decided to start dumping it all over everything to overwhelmingly positive results.

It works great as steak sauce.  It’s also quite tasty on potatoes, mac and cheese, and pizza.  The label has dozens of other suggestions, including eggs, cheese, salad dressing, and much, much more.

Made by the Reily Foods Company in New Orleans, this is one sauce that you’ll practically want to drink from the bottle.  At the same time, it doesn’t overwhelm the foods that it’s enhancing.  Tiger Sauce receives ColuMn’s coveted 5-star rating.

ColuMn FACTS!

Serving size:  1 tablespoon
Calores:  10
Sodium:  100 mg
Sugar:  2g

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  Contains Worcestershire Sauce!

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★★