We’re Goin’ Home

Back in 1994, for The Force of Five’s 10th Anniversary, I took an unfinished story that was started by SSGB and finished it.  Here are the results.

The Seven Objects

Here, complete in this post, is my full-length The Force of Five adventure from 1990-1992, The Seven Objects.  Enjoy.

10 Books On My Bookshelf That You Should Read

1) The Big Book Of Conspiracies
by Doug Moench Published by Paradox Press
ISBN #1563891867

Conspiracy theories are fun and comics are fun,  so when you combine the two, you get, uh, twice the fun.  DC used to publish these “Big Book” oversize paperbacks that would explore a particular subject through a series of black and white comics.  I never read any of the other volumes, but I’ve read this one a few times and really enjoy it.  Lots of fascinating conspiracies and interesting tidbits.  Sections:  Classic Conspiracies (lots of JFK stuff), Big Brother’s Greatest Hits (CIA, etc.), Trouble In Weirdland (UFOs, etc.), Paranoia Potpourri (weed and miscellanea), Odd Passings And Other Assassinations (famous figures die under mysterious circumstances), Historical Hysteria (historical conspiracies), and The Conspiracy Conspiracy (the really weird stuff).

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2) Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th
by Peter M. Bracke Published by Titan Books
ISBN #1-84576-343-2

I know it’s impossible to tell from reading this site, but I’m a fan of the Friday the 13th films.  As a kid growing up in the 80s there was literally nothing scarier than the thought of running into Jason Voorhees while out playing in the nearby woods.  Jason’s lost some of his fright with the endless sequels, terrible acting, and barely-there plots, but he’s still a vital part of American pop culture and this beautiful, big hardcover coffee table book shows why.  Great pictures and terrific anecdotes illustrate that even during the worst Friday the 13th movie, there were still people involved that cared and did their best, even though their best was woefully short of good.  Unbelievably worth it for not only the Friday the 13th fan, but anyone interested in what goes into making movies.

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3) The Anarchist Cookbook
by William Powell Published by Barricade Books, Inc.
ISBN # 0-9623032-0-8

I’m, uh, borrowing this from a friend (thanks, Sparks) because I don’t want to be on any (more) government watch lists.  This is the infamous book first published in 1971 by controversial published Barricade Books, Inc.  It’s a fascinating read, if only as a product of its time.  I don’t recommend following any of the recipes in the book.  In all honesty, they’ll probably get you killed or incarcerated.  Sections:  Drugs (presented more as an educational summary than a how-to), Electronics, Sabotage, and Surveillance (somewhat outdated, but I guess some of this might still work), Natural, Nonlethal, and Lethal Weapons (pretty much anything to do with violence towards others, including “How to build a silencer for a submachine gun”!), and Explosives and Booby Traps (or “How to make TNT”).  Once again, don’t try this at home.  As the author himself says on the back cover, “This book is not for children or morons.”  Or anybody, really.

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4) Weaveworld
by Clive Barker
ISBN #0743417356

I’m a big Clive Barker fan, and for me it all started here.  I just love the story, the characters, and the imagination behind it all.  It’s not what you’d typically expect when you hear “Clive Barker” (at least not back then).  Barker would go on to write a ton of my favorite books, such as The Great And Secret Show, Everville, and Imajica, but Weaveworld still remains a favorite.  That’s all I’m going to say about it.  Just read it.

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5) The Girl With The Long Green Heart
by Lawrence Block Published by Hard Case Crime
ISBN # 0-8439-5585-6

I reviewed this one waaay back in April of 2008 and it’s still one of my all-time favorite crime thrillers.  If you’re looking for a quick, dirty story well-told with great characters and a complex plot, you can’t go wrong with Block.

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6) Songs Of Innocence
By Richard Aleas Published by Hard Case Crime
ISBN # 0-8439-5773-5

This is another Hard Case Crime entry that I reviewed (on September 3, 2008).  You might want to also pick up Aleas’ first book, Little Girl Lost, because this story, while stand-alone, features the same lead character.  One of the grimmest books I’ve read.  It will blow you away.

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7) The Invisibles
by Grant Morrison Published by DC Comics
1994 – 2000

I’m thinking about a writing a post dealing exclusively with The Invisibles. It’s easily one of my top ten favorite comic series of all time and still blows me away when I re-read it all these years later.  It has a lot of BIG IDEAS crammed into 59 issues.  Subversive, exhilarating, thought-provoking, and jaw-droppingly awesome, I can only strongly urge you to pick up the seven trade paperbacks of this series immediately.  And while you’re at it, might as well pick up the companion book.

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8) God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
by Christopher Hitchens
ISBN # 0446579807

Everyone has their opinion about religion and, odds are, everyone is wrong.  Hitchens, a writer for Vanity Fair, delivers a compelling, easy-to-read argument for atheism without resorting to name-calling or straw man attacks.  Anyone interested in religion or the state of the world should make this mandatory reading.  You don’t have to agree with it, but it might make you question some of your own long-standing beliefs, or at least look at them in a new way.

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9) The Count Of Monte Cristo
by Alexandre Dumas
ISBN # 0140449264

Here we go.  My favorite book of all time, hands down.  It took me forever to pick this up and read it.  The size is intimidating.  But once you get started, it really is tough to put down.  Dantes is a great, great character – maybe the best in fiction.  And Dumas is just a revelatory writer.   He takes what’s basically a revenge story and peppers it with interesting characters and unbelievable situations.  His set-up is fantastic, and the pay-off is one of the best things ever committed to paper.  Don’t let the fact that it’s old and long stop you from reading this.  I guarantee you’ll love it and curse yourself for not reading it sooner, just so you could read it again.

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10) The Secret History
by Donna Tartt Published by Alfred A. Knopf
ISBN # 0-679-41032-5

I’ve lent this book out to several people.  I’d estimate 80% of them loved it.  The other 20%, not so much.  I think the characters put people off.  They’re NOT likable people.  But they’re not exactly loathsome either.  Anyone who has ever attending a university will recognize these characters.  They’re arrogant, annoying, and pretentious.  But you understand them, too.  And root for them to escape their fate, though the sense of dread and doom build throughout the book until the devastating ending that just makes you want to turn back to page one and start it all over again.

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ColuMn does not recieve any kickback from sales generated by this post. We suggest that you borrow a copy from your local library or a friend. We’re also not above subtly implying shoplifting, but take no responsibilty for any charges filed.

But really, shell out the cash, cheapskate.

Happy 4th, America

The Force Of Five #1: War In ‘Nam

Twenty-five years ago I created this comic series.  Time has not been kind.

Enjoy.

Good stuff, huh?  No?  Well, fuck you.  Here’s more.

I included these because a certain O’Connor is a huge megastar and these two pages were his original origin.

And no, my “art” has not gotten any better.

In the cavernous mountains of Northern Afghanistan, a fierce firefight is underway.  Taliban fighters have overwhelmed an Army division and surround the five survivors; SSGB, Rawley, O’Connor, Klaus, and Cassidy.  Out of the gun powder-blackened skies, a slick, shifting figure descends, protecting the survivors and sending the Taliban fighters into panicked retreat.

But something sinister is going on.  SSGB, O’Connor, Rawley, and Cassidy vanish in the confusion.  Alone, Klaus, an explosives expert, tracks down his savior, codenamed TGB.  Rumors are that TGB was once a human who transformed into an amorphous mass after government Super Soldier experiments went horribly wrong, causing an enormous explosion.  Everyone within 10 miles of the blast was violently torn apart, but TGB somehow survived.

In a hidden secret cavern, Dr. V studies SSGB, O’Connor, Cassidy, and Rawley, hooked up to machines that defy description.  A voice from the shadows speaks calm and assuredly.  ”We’re all set.  Launch the missile.”

Absinthe: An Appreciation and History

Before I even entered the bar, things had stopped making sense. I thought it was going on 10:00 when we left my stately manor, but as we walked up to the door, K informed me that it was actually only 6:30. An icy drizzle had started slicking the streets and the temperature was dropping rapidly. It was with no small relief that we tumbled through the door and made our way to our usual seats. I motioned to the bartender for two glasses of absinthe and she nodded knowingly. The excitement was welling up in me as I thought about how not that long ago, drinking absinthe was only done on my occasional forays north of the border, the rare bottle smuggled in at risk of life and limb, or my occasional international ColuMn-related business trips. But here I was, in Seattle, sitting down to a glass of authentic, honest-to-Megan Fox absinthe. Whatever the rest of the evening held, I knew it would at least be interesting.

I can’t pinpoint when I first became aware of the existence of absinthe. It wasn’t really on my radar until sometime around the dawn of the new millennium. I’d heard the same stories everybody hears. I recall stories about the artsy types that drank it, like Van Gogh (who supposedly cut off his ear in an absinthe-induced mania). We’ve all heard the rumors of madness and savagery and the alleged hallucinatory effects surrounding the drink. Were the stories true? Would but a small sip lead to a life of shamelessness, debauchery, and barbarism cut short by liver failure? I had to find out for myself.

Much like almost everything else having to do with absinthe, its origins are a mixture of myth and fact. Credit is generally given to Dr. Pierre Ordinaire, a Frenchman living in Switzerland sometime around 1792. Ordinaire created absinthe as an all-purpose medicinal remedy. The recipe was passed around, and in 1797 a Major Dubied opened the first absinthe distillery.

Absinthe is traditionally distilled and highly alcoholic. (90 – 150 proof). It’s an anise-flavored liquor (not a liqueur) derived from herbs, including the flowers and leaves of the herb “Artemisia absinthium”, also known as wormwood. Often referred to as “the Green Fairy”, absinthe has a natural green color, but can also be colorless.  

One absinthe recipe contains large dry and clean wormwood, dry hysope flower, melisse citonnee dry, crushed green anis, and lots of alcohol.   It is the wormwood that contains thujone, a monoterpenoid ketone consisting of two isomers, alpha and beta, that exist in varying ratios in different plants. Thujone is the substance said to cause the hallucinatory effects of absinthe, which we will discuss a bit later. While its content is strictly regulated in absinthe by the U.S. government (absinthe imported to the United States must contain less than 10 ppm of thujone), it is believed to be widely used in products such as Vicks Vap-o-rub.  

The first time I experienced absinth* was as a birthday present from M and C They gave me a bottle of absinth, an absinthe spoon, and sugar cubes. The brand was the Czech Republic’s Hill’s Absinth, which is 70% alcohol (140 proof). The directions on the bottle state:

This, I later learned, is known as the Czech Method and generally frowned upon by absinthe aficionados, if for no other reason than pouring absinth around an open flame can be dangerous.

The first thing you notice, of course, is the color, which in Hill’s case was an almost ethereal greenish blue. Next, you get a sniff of the liquor. It has a very strong licorice taste, similar in some respects to Jägermeister.  As I drained one glass and filled another, the effects began to set in.  By the time the second glass was a memory, I was well under the spell of the Green Fairy.

I understand how the effect can be described as an hallucination.  But that’s not a precisely correct description.  It is, as has been described elsewhere, more of a clear-headedness; a clarity of not only vision, but thought. Perceptions seem to be sharpened.  While you might not be hallucinating images that aren’t there, the images that are there seem to be somehow enhanced — more vibrant.  It’s very much a hyper-aware altered state of inebriation.

Myths and misunderstandings have plagued absinthe since its initial banning in the early 20th century (1912 in the United States, 1915 in France). Absinthe had been nefariously associated with violent crime, perversion, and insanity by industries and politicians that had an interest in criminalizing it, and one by one countries began to ban its importation.  

By the 1990s, absinthe had begun a resurgence when importer BBH Spirits realized that there was no law in the United Kingdom prohibiting the sale of absinthe and began to import Hill’s Absinth from the Czech Republic.  In March of 2007, two brands of absinthe, Lucid and Kübler, became the first genuine absinthes legally imported into the United States since 1912.

I didn’t discover that the ban had essentially be lifted until late 2008, when I chanced upon something called Lucid Absinthe at the Seattle establishment, The Rendezvous.  I ordered a glass, thinking it would be a pale wormwood-free imitation, but was pleasantly surprised by its apparent authenticity.  On that first visit I’d failed to notice the method that they’d used to prepare the spirit, but on my next visit saw that they had a strange apparatus that I’d never seen before.

When I returned some weeks later, I was saddened to hear that the apparatus had broken and I was denied my green elixir.  The next few weeks I was out of town on official ColuMn business, but the absinthe was never far from my mind.  When I returned, I made a beeline for the bar and ordered a glass.  I was elated when the bartender hauled out the old-fashioned, tried and true, absinthe spoon.

At first, I was confused, though.  Why weren’t they lighting the sugar cube on fire?  This was my first exposure to the French Method.

I was particularly pleased to learn the absinthe-specific verb, louche, which, as the label states, refers to the absinthe coalescing “into an opalescent cloud.”

So here I am again.  Friday night and it’s gotten even colder outside.  The frigid wind blasts into the bar whenever somebody enters or leaves.  The rain is starting to turn to snow, but I’m not overly concerned.  I planned ahead to cab it home tonight and Christ!  it’s only 7:30 anyway.  K hoists the special absinthe glass and offers a toast. 

Our glasses clink together and then the Green Fairy is fluttering her way down my throat and warming me from the inside out.  Things are suddenly starting to make all sorts of sense and everything comes into focus. We know one thing for sure.  It’s definitely going to be an interesting night.  It has to be.  We’re drinking absinthe.

*Absinth (no “e”) is produced in the Czech Republic.  These absinths generally contain little to no anise, fennel, or other herbs normally found in traditional absinthe.  The do, however, share wormwood and high alcohol content with traditional absinthe.  I have attempted to draw a distinction between the two products by following the traditional methods of spelling each.

 

REFERENCES

Wikipedia

The Absinthe Buyer’s Guide

Lucid Absinthe Website

 

LINKS

The Wormwood Society

Seattle Times Article 2/27/08

The True Meaning Of Christmas

What is the true meaning of Christmas? I suppose when that question is asked, it depends quite a bit on the responder what the answer will be. But is there a cultural definition that we can come to and agree with that encompasses everybody? Christmas is a religious observance, obviously, of Christ’s birth. But it goes beyond that, as we all know. It’s grown to encompass and adopt certain pagan rituals surrounding the Winter Solstice. There are also a couple of human emotional elements involved. The first being a strengthening of the positive emotions involved surrounding such concepts as peace and unity and belonging to a larger community.  The second emotional element is how Christmas relates to the end of the calendar year and the general tendency of human beings to use that time of the year to look back on the previous twelve months and do some self-introspection. There is also an element of commercialism, and I include Santa Claus in that category, given that the popular image first appeared in a series of Coca-Cola ads. By incorporating these five things into one unified definition, perhaps some of the misunderstandings regarding Christmas can be cleared up once and for all.

Nobody knows the exact date of Jesus’ birth, but one thing pretty much everybody agrees on is that it was nowhere near December. Still, the fact remains that it is celebrated on December 25. If you step back and take a look as an impartial observer, what part of Christmas is really about religion? If you go to church, then that’s definitely a religious aspect. Some of the songs specifically reference the birth of Jesus. Some of the ornaments have religious overtones or are based on religious symbols. So it’s definitely a prominent part of the definition. Which is why people have taken to calling this time of year the generic “Holidays”. I get it, but it’s just so bland and PC. Perhaps it’s inevitable that our definition of the true meaning of Christmas take on a name other than Christmas if we want to create a universal definition.

Most of the things we believe in, from science to religion, are a stew of a thousand different elements combined to produce something relevant for our society today. Christianity borrowed a lot of things from other religions, so it’s no surprise that many of the things we take for granted as being “Christmassy” are items used in rituals associated with the Pagan celebration of the Winter Solstice. Trees played a huge part in Pagan rituals. Today we celebrate the coming of winter by highlighting the fun things about it, not the death and destruction that was once associated with such a brutal time of year. We trot out the reindeer, snowmen, snow flakes, Christmas trees, lights, and icicles to embrace the season. A big part of Christmas is the cold weather and the fun you can have when the mercury drops. This has nothing to do with religion, but it is a natural human need to connect with nature.

In keeping with the theme of basic elements of human nature, part of the emotional resonence of the season comes from the intangible emotional need for Peace and Unity, a feeling of belonging to a community that is greater than you are. A connection with your fellow man. People are generally nicer during the holidays; a little less quick to lose their tempers (unless there’s a sale at Wal-Mart). And tempers can flare during such a sometimes hellish time of year. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Gotta get that perfect gift. Create that perfect memory.  But we see our own stress in other faces and realize that we’re all going through the same thing. It’s a commonality that brings people together. As great as the holidays are, there is an element of hell involved. A part of that hell comes from the self-critique that comes with the close of yet another year. December is inevitably the time when you look back on the previous 12 months and gauge what kind of year it’s been. Looking back at a previous span of time brings about thoughts of aging and mortality. At some point you stop thinking about how many years you’ve had and focus instead on how many you’ve got left. Is it any wonder so many classic Christmas songs are so damn melancholy?

Finally, there is a big chunk of what makes up the definition of Christmastime that I’ve only touched on vaguely: the commercial aspect. It’s America. Money drives everything. It’s no wonder that the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday, the day when stores across the nation go into the black and start earning profit for the year. Christmas is HUGE money. They sell religious Christmas stuff, wintry stuff, and the emotional stuff. Neatly packaged in festive holiday wrapping designed to tap into a person’s nostalgia for an Olde World Christmas. Such crass commercialism goes against most people’s basic sense of goodness when they stop to think about it, but Christmas gets a pass because it’s all a part of the season. What would Christmas be without stupid Christmas ads and bustling shops; crowded sidewalks and the intoxicating aroma of a mixture of pine, food, and the smoky chimney of a fully-stoked fireplace? Commerce is essential. Yeah, we waste a lot of money on crap. Other countries are rightfully appalled. But it’s fun and it makes us better people.  Or so I’ve somehow convinced myself yet again.

In closing, I think we can start to form a basis for an argument that could one day lead to a universal definition of what Christmas means. Is Christmas solely about the birth of Jesus? Or is it a repetition of ancient rites passed down generation to generation in celebration of Winter? How much does the emotional aspect play in the definition? And, when it comes down to it, isn’t it all just the American public being taken for suckers so the fat cat corporations get richer while the average American goes deeper and deeper into debt, chasing the phantom of some Hollywood version of a so-called “perfect” Christmas? Or is it all those things? Maybe more? All I can say, and I can only speak for myself, is that Christmas is special to me. Some years more than others. But it’s also work. And probably not really worth it from an objective point of view. But for those few brief moments when you really experience the Christmas Spirit, you know that, really, the price isn’t that high in the grand scheme of things. And it’s only once a year.

Good job, America!

 

If the future’s looking dark
We’re the ones who have to shine
If there’s no one in control
We’re the ones who draw the line
Though we live in trying times
We’re the ones who have to try
Though we know that time has wings
We’re the ones who have to fly…

 

Rush – “Everyday Glory”
Counterparts, 1993

The Haunted House

 

I vaguely remember my first haunted house experience.  It was close to Halloween and I was probably around ten years old.  My dad took me to the town’s haunted house, which had been set up in the former bowling alley.  I don’t remember any of the frights that I encountered inside, but I recall that I was scared shitless, and the following year I didn’t bother to pester my parents into taking me again.

But I learned a lot that night.  Not about life or anything remotely important, but about haunted houses.  Completely useless knowledge that I am about to impart to you.

The number one rule of the haunted house is that the performers can’t touch you.  This is the only sliver that your sanity clings to no matter how scared you get.  That said, it doesn’t stop you (or others) from attacking other paying customers.

For instance, a few years back The Instigator, Klaus, and I went to a “Haunted Hospital”.  It was cool enough that it was actually inside an abandoned hospital, but on top of that, they advertised that it was in “3-D”.  Now, I think that every single haunted house I’ve been to has been in 3-D.  I can’t even picture what a 2-D haunted house would look like.  But this one proudly shouted their gimmick in the ad.  What choice did we have but to check it out?

There was a long line and it was unseasonably cold.  I was wearing my Jason mask and it was freezing onto my face.  It was a brutal couple of hours.  But finally it was our turn to enter.  They handed us our 3-D glasses and we were off.

One thing I hadn’t anticipated was the way that the 3-D glasses reduced your peripheral vision to zero.  These 3-D glasses weren’t the paper kind with the blue and red lenses.  They were more of a cross between the classic glasses and the kind you get when you go see a 3-D movie at the IMAX theater, allowing for maximum discomfort and near blindness.  This intensified things considerably, not being able to see the ghouls until they were practically on top of you.  The “3-D” gimmick was just an excuse to rob us of three-quarters of our vision.  Once inside and confronted with this realization, it wasn’t long before I’d grabbed a young Asian lad and proceeded to force him ahead of me, blatantly using him as a human shield.

The second thing I learned can have slight variations, but the really effective haunted houses are located in rural areas.  Maybe it’s that huge barns and cornfields are really spooky even without freaks jumping out at you.  Maybe it’s years of Hollywood programming.  Wouldn’t one of these haunted house events make a great set-up for Leatherface?  Whatever the reason or reasons, a haunted cornfield in the middle of nowhere is pants-shittingly scary.

We went to the haunted woods a couple of years ago in a rural part of the state, located at Maris Farms.  We arrived fairly early and didn’t have too long of a wait, but my nerves were on edge and I was questioning my decision-making skills.  Had I really agreed to do this?  I was just not ready after the Haunted Hospital fiasco.  And this one turned out to be ten times as scary.  It was filled with the essentials that every Haunted House must have.  Weird rooms?  Check.  Eerie sounds?  Check.  Long periods of nothing happening, designed to lull you while at the same time building suspense?  Check. 

It was a pretty complex layout, incorporating interior scares (like the psychotic clown room right out of the gate to completely disorient us and the spinning room that caused temporary vertigo) with lots of time spent walking through the woods, which was very scary all on its own.  There were lots of ghouls, vampires, and monsters creeping around, jumping out at you from the shadows, but the thing that got me was a towel that was rigged to dive down like a bloodthirsty banshee.  But yeah.   It was a towel.  And I almost crapped myself.

At the end of the woods, this particular haunted attraction had the ballsy genius to combine the traditional End-Chainsaw-Guy with notorious masked serial killer, Jason Voorhees.  There was a group slightly ahead of us and we saw them run off, with Jason hot on their tail.  I hissed/yelled, “Go!”  I dared to dream that we could sneak past.  I was wrong.  Jason turned exactly like Kane Hodder and swung the giant weed-whacker/buzz saw thing (exactly like the one Jason kills Dr. Crews with in Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood) around and started advancing.  This guy definitely had his Jason moves down.  Terrified, we ran screaming as the saw roared at our backs.

Another variation of the all-important End-Chainsaw-Guy was at the Fright Factory the following year.  This was a place that The Instigator, Klaus, and I had driven by the year before after the Haunted Woods, but I’d refused to go in, so we abandoned the idea.  It was somebody’s creepy old house in the middle of a rural neighborhood.  Somehow I got dragged back.  Not wanting to wait in a huge line, we arrived right when it opened and were the third group in.

You know that part in Halloween III: The Season Of The Witch when Dan and Ellie are on the tour with the mother, father, and kid (sort of a weird take on the Charlie And The Chocolate Factory tour, only with Halloween masks instead of candy)?  Then the family disappears and horrible shit happens to them thanks to the witched-up masks?  That’s pretty much exactly how this haunted house experience went.  We were about halfway through the attraction when we saw the shattered remains of the family that had gone in before us.  The kids were crying and the adults were visibly shaken and upset.  Now we were in the lead.  Zoinks.

We continued on our way.  This was an indoor haunted house, but they’d gone all out, putting together a pretty terrifying show.  They had the requisite weird rooms, long periods of nothing, and eerie sounds, but they’d saved their best scare for last.

Anyone that has any experience at all in a haunted house attraction knows that they save the End-Chainsaw-Guy for the last scare.  It’s a great way to chase people to their cars and keep the line moving, while providing a big finale.  So you know it’s coming.  And they know that you know that it’s coming.  With that in mind, I approached the end.  There was a set of doors and I knew that Leatherface or Jason or somebody was on the other side, chainsaw ready.  I gently pushed The Instigator through the door and the chainsaw roared to life.  We both started running as fast as we could toward safety.  And that’s when the second chainsaw kicked in.  The first guy had chased us right into the blade of the second guy.  It was too much for me.  I flailed, sending an elbow to The Instigator’s head, screaming and making my way to the gate that separated us from safety.  I threw open the gate to find a line of people waiting to get into the haunted house, nervously laughing at me.  I was too scared to be embarrassed.  Besides, I knew that they wouldn’t be laughing for very long.

The final thing I learned is that for a truly exceptional haunted attraction visit, you need to end the night at the local ice cream parlor.  My parlor of choice is Big Scoop, item: the Big Dipper.  But any will do in a pinch.  Enjoy a bowl of ice cream and talk about the horrors that you just survived.  The important thing is that you get out and do it – make it an important part of your Halloween tradition.  As Halloween’s Sheriff Brackett says, “It’s Halloween.  Everyone’s entitled to one good scare.”

Nostradamus by Judas Priest

Judas Priest's Nostradamus

The Metal Gods are back, United and still Hell Bent For Leather to Defend The Faith and if you think they’ve lost a touch or mellowed out at all, You’ve Got Another Thing Coming. Okay. I promise, that’s the last old Priest title that I’ll shoehorn into a lame sentence.

2005 saw the classic line-up of Priest return, after lead singer Rob Halford left the band in 1992, with the face-melting, senses-shattering scorcher, Angel Of Retribution. It was a solid metal album. Three years later, Priest has dropped the 23 megaton sonic explosion, Nostradamus, that redefines the band while never losing sight of what makes Priest, uh, Priest.

Nostradamus, for those that don’t want to bother Wikipediaing it:

Michel de Nostredame (14 December 1503 or 21 December 1503^[1] – 2 July 1566), usually Latinized to Nostradamus, was a French apothecary and reputed seer who published collections of prophecies that have since become famous world-wide. He is best known for his book Les Propheties, the first edition of which appeared in 1555. Since the publication of this book, which has rarely been out of print since his death, Nostradamus has attracted an enthusiastic following who, along with the popular press, credit him with predicting many major world events.

In contrast, most academic sources maintain that the associations made between world events and Nostradamus’s quatrains are largely the result of misinterpretations or mistranslations (sometimes deliberate) or else are so tenuous as to render them useless as evidence of any genuine predictive power. Moreover, none of the sources listed offers any evidence that anyone has ever interpreted any of Nostradamus’s quatrains specifically enough to allow a clear identification of any event in advance.^[2]

Nevertheless, interest in the work of this prominent figure of the French Renaissance is still considerable, especially in the media and in popular culture, and the prophecies have in some cases been assimilated to the results of applying the alleged Bible Code, as well as to other purported prophetic works.

So this 102-minute, double CD (which can come in a Deluxe Edition packaged with a hardbound book) is apparently about the life and times of the infamous Nostradamus, of which I know practically nothing. This should be my most non-informative review yet. And that’s definitely saying something. Keep reading!

01 DAWN OF CREATION (2.33)
This is the mood setter. A dark, brooding, and mysterious instrumental piece featuring the first lush orchestration I can recall on a Priest record. 3 stars

02 PROPHECY (5.26)
This is a classic Priest rocker. Heavy, with an appropriate use of almost gothic keyboards. Halford is great on vocals, interchanging melodic shrieking and growling with each turn in the song. There’s also one of the better dual-guitar solos, with Downing and Tipton exchanging flurries of blistering notes cascading into a sonic tidal wave of ferocious intensity. 1/2 star subtracted, though, for the overly-cheesy chorus. 3.5 stars.

03 AWAKENING (0.53)
This one isn’t an instrumental, but it’s not really a full-on song either. This could have been combined with “Revelations”, I guess. But it would bring down how great that song is. 2 stars.

04 REVELATIONS (7.05)
One of the best songs on the album. Just a nice, heavy, rockin’ Priest song. Great vocals and great guitars add up to a great song. Definitely downloadable. 5 stars.

05 THE FOUR HORSEMEN (1.35)
Another little snippet of a song that could be combined with “War”. This one is slightly better than “Awakening”. 2.5 stars.

06 WAR (5.04)
Why is it that every rock song featuring the word “War” sounds remarkably similar? I’m looking at you, Pink Floyd (“Dogs Of War”) and Def Leppard (“Gods Of War”). This song doesn’t really grab me. The chorus is kind of annoying, and really, I’m just sick of these heavy military-drum-type war songs. Next. 1.5 stars

07 SANDS OF TIME (2.36)
Is it just me or do some of the lyrics and music in this short segue-song bring to mind Iron Maiden’s “Hallowed Be Thy Name” from Number Of The Beast? It’s not a bad song, but not great. 2.5 stars.

08 PESTILENCE AND PLAGUE (5.09)
The Latin sections are kind of lost on me, but I think I get the overall gist of the lyrics. Ahh. I just looked it up. “The Temptation to search for Glory; The thing to pay is the fall of man.” The song isn’t bad either. Very Italian-opera-like. 3 stars.

09 DEATH (7.33)
Man, this is what Priest fans love. A nice, dark song with some evil-sounding vocals, some wailing guitars, and some nice, heavy riffs. I think the chorus is probably the weakest part of the song, but it works. The guitar solo is great. 4 stars.

10 PEACE (2.21)
Another short, mellowish transition song. I guess we should count ourselves thankful that there wasn’t one between the previous two songs. And that there aren’t two transition songs strung together in a row. This is one of the better ones. A little mellow for Priest, though. Good transition into the next song though. is it wrong to say “transition” four times in eight sentences? I don’t think so. 2.5 stars.

11 CONQUEST (4.42)
This is a high-energy song. To tell the truth, it sort of reminds me of “The Final Countdown”, but it’s way, way, way better than that. I’m not even sure why it brings to mind “Countdown”. This one doesn’t really do much for me either way. Still, it’s technically a pretty good song. Reminds me of one of the lesser songs on Turbo. 3 stars (extra credit for a nice dueling-guitar solo and some impressive beating of the skins).

12 LOST LOVE (4.27)
This is a fairly mellow song as well. Is that a flute I hear? A flute in a Priest song? I think it is. Aside from the flute, this song isn’t bad. Just sort of slow, dull, and boring. The tune isn’t bad and the guitar work is nice and definitely unusual for Priest. Not really a big fan, though. 2 stars.

13 PERSECUTION (6.34)
The beginning of this song really reminds me of Goblin’s soundtrack to Dario Argento’s Suspiria. But then it kicks in and brings to mind Mindcrime-era Queensryche (I’m thinking “Spreading The Disease”). I haven’t really listened to this song much, but as I sit here listening to it now, I could definitely see it growing on me. 3.5 stars (for now).

14 SOLITUDE (1.22)
There’s some neat production work on this instrumental done, as far as I can tell, exclusively on the keyboard. Nice and short and doesn’t overstay it’s welcome. That’s worth at lest 2.5 stars.

15 EXILED (6.32)
Again, not a bad song, but not a great song. As I listen to this, I’m thinking the Priest could have probably trimmed this down to one disc of ear-crushing awesomeness. 2.5 stars.

16 ALONE (7.50)
This song starts off kind of slow and mellow and you’re thinking, “What is this? A ballad?” Oh, no. It is not. This is one of the best songs on the record. Halford’s voice is a weapon of merciless vengeance as he screams, “We don’t want to belong. We said all along. We just want to be left alone.” That we do, Rob. That we do. 5 stars.

17 SHADOWS IN THE FLAME (1.10)
Another short song that I’m torn about. In one aspect, this is one that I wish were longer. Acoustic Priest? I had no idea that would sound so good. But on the other hand, it segues so nicely into the next track, I have to say that they made the right decision in keeping it short. This is a goodie. 3.5 stars.

18 VISIONS (5.24)
Yet another instant classic. I heard this one on the radio about a month before they released the album, which prompted me to head directly to my computer and download it. The version I downloaded was the “Radio Edit”, which is perfectly good, but the album version is better. 4 stars.

19 HOPE (2.09)
They lost me on this one. This song is incredibly lame. I wish they’d left it off the album all together. 1 star.

20 NEW BEGINNINGS (4.56)
You know, I do like this song for two reasons. 1) The weird background synthesizer effect reminds me of the end of Friday the 13th (you know, the part where Alice is in the boat, just before Jason jumps out of the water), and 2) the title reminds me of Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning. I keed. I keed. I really only like it for the first reason. 3 stars.

21 CALM BEFORE THE STORM (2.05)
This is more like it. Yeah, it’s another short transition song, but the guitars sound SO cool in this, I could probably listen to a thirty minute jam if it was exactly like this, only fifteen times longer. Then the singing starts and it kind of loses a step. 3 stars.

22 NOSTRADAMUS (6.43)
This is the first song I heard off the record, and I liked it immediately. This is a GREAT Priest song. Halford sounds great and the guitars are unrelenting. After the last few snoozers, this manic head-banger is a welcome relief. 5 stars.

23 FUTURE OF MANKIND (8.29)
The album ends on a high note, with a gritty rocker that somewhat recalls “Metal Gods”. 4 stars.

The album, when taken as a whole, certainly does tell a story of Nostradamus. I don’t know if I’d encourage the kids to base a twenty-page report on Nostradamus solely on this record, bu what the hell. You should do it. And then let me know what your teacher says. Like I said, I’m too lazy to hit Wikipedia or, worse yet, actually read a book about him.

Judas Priest
Nostradamus

Rob Halford Vocals
KK Downing Guitars
Glenn Tipton Guitars
Ian Hill Bass
Scott Travis Drums

Epic Records

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ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★