Dear Lady GaGa

Dear Lady GaGa,

I know you read ColuMn. GiGi is a brilliant alias, but according to O’Connor you just replaced the a’s in your name with i’s. Which really, when you think about it, means your alias should be Lidy GiGi. The point is, you might fool me, you might fool BlackJack, you might even fool cmsof, but NOBODY fools O’Connor.

So you and I both know that you’re reading this. Probably wearing that blue sex clothes thing from the Poker Face video. Yeah. That’s exactly how it is. Don’t bother denying it.

I could beat around the bush and completely bullshit you with verbal feces like, “I really enjoy your music,” or even, “You have a lot of talent,” but I only have limited space here, so I should get right to the point (he says after three paragraphs of rambling nothing – I know, right?).

I think you and I would make a great couple. Like there’s not even a good pop culture reference for how awesome of a couple we would make. Brad and Angelina? Tony and Angela? Paris and syphallis? They’re all fine examples. We’d just be that much better. Let’s just look at the facts as they exist and if, after I present my case, you can actually form the word “no”, then you will never hear from me again.

Exhibit A – I’m a robot dog. You do a killer robot. It’s like I could stop here, but I’m not going to. There’s more.

Exhibit B – You’re beautiful, talented, wealthy, famous, and a full-on pop culture icon loved by millions. I write for ColuMn. If opposites attract, it’s insane if we DON’T get together.

Exhibit C – It’s worth repeating. You’re rich. In addition to that, you’re “on the road” a lot. I am totally cool with that. With GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony out this past week, Modern Warfare 2 coming out next week, and Left 4 Dead 2 dropping the week after that, I actually prefer you not be around that much, as I will be quitting my job to devote every waking moment to being your full-time lover (waiting patiently for you to return from your tour as I keep myself busy on Xbox. I can be brave for you, sweetie). Don’t forget to stock up on Snausages and pay your internet bill before you leave.

I know there are some cons alongside that epic list of pros. There is a little bit of an age discrepancy. You’re 23. I’m 280 in dog years. But I’m also a robot. And my tail vibrates.

So, Lady GaGa, the ball is, as they say, in your “court”. I await your arrival at the ColuMn offices where we all live and work. You might even get the chance to write a Taco Bell review (you won’t – cmsof).

Until then, my love, I remain,

Sir Sparks