Volcano Nachos

Hello, Taco Bell fans.  Or is that fan?  Anyway, who didn’t see this one coming?  I’ve experienced  The Volcano Taco and bathed in the warm, thick juices of The Volcano Box, and I’ve lived to tell the tale.  But Volcano Nachos may just be my closest brush with death to date.  Here is the story.

Volcano Nachos have been on my radar for some time.  Being an avid Taco Bell Volcanologist, I really wanted to race out and order a plate.  I’ve even been to Taco Bell a couple of times and somehow come away without Volcano Nachos.  The reason why is simple:

They have 990 calories.

Yes, friends.  This small plate of cheese-covered chips is the culinary equivalent of a massive coronary, served with a side of flaming hot butt mud.  But I have a responsibility to the ColuMn reader to see this insane experiment through to the lard-soaked end.  So this past weekend, in the midst of a terrible hangover, I took the plunge.

I fully intended to NOT eat the entire plate of death, so I ordered some couple items, each of questionable nutritional value, but reasonable enough to where I was more or less assured of a non-poop-related death.  I topped it off with the customary Mountain Dew Baja Blast and headed for home, fighting back a hangover that was only getting worse with the introduction of the Taco Bell aroma into the cramped confines of the Sparksmobile.

The Sparksmobile

I burst into the ColuMn office and tossed BlackJack his Double Deckers.  As he licked them into a fine paste, I approached the Volcano Nachos.  At first, I was surprised by how small the plate was.  Could this really be 990 calories?

A pristine plate of Volcano Nachos.

Digging deeper, I began to inventory the ingredients.  Chips, red “Volcano Taco Shell” chips strips, cheese, Volcano Sauce, beef, beans, sour cream, and jalapeños.   If the number 990 hadn’t been flashing in my head, I would have tore through this plate in about 13 seconds.

These may be the hottest entry in the Volcano family.  The addition of the jalapeños really packs a punch.  And the Volcano Sauce seems somehow hotter.  It’s like you just can’t escape it here.

All that being said, I didn’t each much.  They were okay, but not nearly as good as The Volcano Taco or The Volcano Burrito.

The aftermath.

I can’t in good conscience recommend these.  I need all the readers I can get and I just can’t bring myself to condemn even one of you to certain death.

Translation: For the love of god, man! DO NOT EAT!

ColuMn FACTS!
990 calories
61 grams of fat
9 grams of saturated fat
1.5 grams of trans fat
1880 grams of sodium

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  At $3.69, the Taco Bell Volcano Nachos platter is one of the cheapest ways to completely clean out your colon.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★

Free To Be You And Me

After I received reports of maybe one child’s life being saved by my in-depth article on Transactional Analysis For Tots, I knew that I had to do more in terms of parenting advice. Not only do regular ColuMn readers live and die by my medical and psychological expertise, but concerned parents, following links from fake internet medical sites, demand that I lend my considerable talents to taming their disgusting offspring. Since I loathe children and refuse to do any actual research, I turned to my own personal physician: the internet.

Sitting alone with a bottle of Jack resting comfortably in my gut, I thought back to the early days of young BlackJack.  I foggily recollected a record that teachers would play for us on the hi-fi. Turning to the magical porn box, I was eventually able to follow some blind links to a torrent site. Searching for the record from my youth proved to be a pointless task, but something else caught my eye. Could it be? Had I ever seen this back in my pre-alcohol-ravaged youth? Was there really a video of Free To Be You And Me? Indeed there was.

I’m not sure if even the esteemed ColuMn reader can be expected to have seen this bewildering bit of ’70s insanity. And I cannot ask you to undertake that mission. That’s what I’m here for: the tough stuff. So let’s get this over with. Let’s sit down and watch the 44 minute epic: 1974’s Free To Be You And Me.

NOTE:  I’m live blogging this on my G1, so the photos are rough screen shots of my tv taken with a phone camera.  You have been warned.

Segment 1:  Okay. Kids on a merry-go-round with Marlo Thomas singing the banjo-driven title song. Starring Alan Alda, Mel Brooks, Rosey Grier, Michael Jackson, Kris Kristofferson, Dionne Warwick, and something called The New Seekers. But, yeah. This song brings back some OLD memories. And then it turns into a cartoon with the horses coming to life and taking the kids out to the desert, I’m assuming to murder and eat them. Their fate is left off-screen.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

Segment 2:  Hideous puppets that are supposed to be babies are talking about gender. I think they’re voiced by Mel Brooks and Marlo Thomas. Now they’re comparing genitals. Must have made for an awkward time in the recording studio.

"If you show me your pu$$y, I'll show you my c*ck."

Segment 3 is a song and dance number with some guy who looks like a black Michael Jackson. I think this song is called “When We Grow Up.” Weird to hear Jacko sing, “We don’t have to change at all.” And nice overalls, Jacko.

"You expect me to believe that you're me from the future here to warn me?"

Segment 4: Oh god. Back to the puppets. And what’s up with the pedophile in the lower right? Where’s security. This is why 95% of children were abducted in the 70s.

What's John Belushi doing here?

Segment 5: Now live action Marlo Thomas and Harry Belefonte are singing a song called, “People With Children”. I’m not listening to the lyrics, but I gather it’s a song about pedophiles.

"Did you know most pedophiles wear turtlenecks?"

Segment 6: A cartoon narrated by Marlo Thomas about some redheaded bitch. Some tigers capture some kids and the bitch gets it because she’s a stank ho. But this cartoon makes no sense. Tigers don’t really talk.

Bitch.

Segment 7: More with the fucking puppets.

Segment 8: Another cartoon about a boy named Dudley Pippen. Christ this kid’s a crybaby. Not sure who’s voicing this mess. The animation confirms this is indeed a cartoon meant to encourage kids to suck down that bonger.

It's alright to smoke, too, son.

Segment 9: Rosie Grier sings, “It’s Alright To Cry”. That’s good, because Rosie Grier’s voice makes me weep like a schoolgirl.

What the hell am I doing here?

Segment 10: Another poorly animated cartoon featuring the song, “William Wants A Doll”, sung my Alan Alda and (of course) Marlo Thomas. No wonder men are such pussies today. Crying, dolls, puppets. Cripes. William wants some whiskey, a gun, and some internet porn.

What's he doing to that doll?

Segment 11: More puppet babies. Good fuck. It’s an extended song about babies. You have to see and hear this to believe it. If you value your sanity, you will not bother.  BlackJack Wants A Hammer.

Segment 12: Another cartoon. Alan Alda voice immediately raises the alarm. Ahh. It’s about some chick that wants a career instead of a husband. You can literally trace the “moron father” character, popular in sit-coms and commercials, directly to Alan Alda’s character in this cartoon. BOOOORRRING. Not even any side boob.

This is not a funny screen cap.

Segment 13: What is this? Dionne Warwick, but the visuals are bewildering. At least it’s short.

It's just different pictures of the sun and the moon.

Segment 14: This cartoon about the good and bad kinds of help is short and actually mildly amusing.

See these brats help each other make a pie and do laundry.

Segment 15; Marlo Thomas talks to a bunch of kids about brothers and sisters. Pretty good, except that these cute little kids are now older than me. Segues into . . .

Segment 16: An elaborate song and dance number to a tune called, “Brothers And Sisters”. This is SO 70s. I remember this one as well. And no wonder. I used to love dancing on buckets.

Yeah. Like you've never danced on a bucket before.

Segment 17: Here we go with another cartoon. Better than average animation on this one (I guess). The barely-there plot concerns the value of friendship, which here is one cent.

Awesome 70s hat.

Segment 18: Kris Kristofferson, Marlo Thomas, and some other lady sing about sitting in a circle. They’re all quite obviously baked out of their minds.

"You know we're all going to fuck tonight, right?"

Segment 19: And back to the babies, once and for all settling the eons-spanning question of whether or not there is truly a Hell.

Segment 20: And we (mercifully) end where we began, with the children surviving their ordeal in the desert and being returned to the merry-go-round as “Free To Be You And Me” sours majestically on the soundtrack.

"Run! Run! Oh my God! They got Yancy!"

Select Credits:

Directed by Bill Davis
Puppet and Animation Voices Directed by Alan Alda
Stories by (among others) Carl Reiner and Shel Silverstein
Puppets designed by Waylon Flowers

This is probably slightly better than Dr. Freed's message of "Play with my boner."

In closing, I really did sort of almost enjoy taking this trip down memory lane to watch Free To Be You And Me.  I can’t help but wonder if this would ever be allowed in classrooms today.  I’m thinking that answer is no.  Mostly because of the terrible production values, outdated styles, and mediocre songs, but also because nothing so blatantly feminist would ever be allowed within 400 feet of a school.

So parents, my advice is this:  if your kid asks you a tough question, answer by slowly nodding, winking, and then repeating, ‘Free to be you and me,” over and over until they go away.  If all else fails, abandon your family and start a new life in Mexico where you can be free to be whoever the hell you want.

Mmmm. Fur.

A Time For Honor

The story you are about to view is true.  The names are not changed, as there are no innocents to protect.

*       *     *

A tent stood in the middle of the wilderness.  It was a dark green tent, and not too large.

In fact, it was no different from any other tent in the woods.

Well, there was one difference.  Screams were coming from this tent.  High pitched screams.

Inside the tent an insane looking man was beating a woman.  With metal chains.

The hitchhiker saw the car coming.  It was the first car he had seen in two hours.  The thumb went out, and surprisingly the car pulled over and eased to a stop.  The driver didn’t speak.  The hitchhiker got in and closed the door.

On the floor he saw a business card.  It read:

BlackJack
The Association™

The hitchhiker looked up and noticed BlackJack light a cigarette.  He also saw the gun in his jacket.

Burl Ives and Baggyman had been skipping for hours.  How much further was it to Santa’s workshop?  The sign said five thousand miles.  Oh well, they’d come this far, why turn back?  In the distance they spotted the car.

Igor always beat off when the Master beat up the woman.  It was his only sexual relief except for the occasional rabbit or squirrel.  The screams stopped and Igor fastened his pants.  The front was seeping, but maybe the Master would not notice.

Ives and Baggyman had now broken into a dead run.  BlackJack’s car was still chasing them.  BlackJack leaned out of the window and shot Ives, then ran him over.  Baggyman turned around and simply ran over the car.  The car spun around and headed towards Baggyman again.  This time Baggyman leaped and landed behind it.

The evil scientist and Igor heard the sound of the intruders.  They quickly tied the woman to a tree and hid themselves, ready to strike.  Igor held a club and the scientist held a rifle.

The group was now in sight.  Three men dragging a body.  It was BlackJack.

Igor noticed the men.  One wore a bag on his head.  Another wore old clothes and a backpack.  The other wore nothing.  Buck naked.  Igor reached for his groin.

Suddenly, a shot was fired and crashed into Igor’s swelled groin.  He fell to the ground, but not before his club went through the hitchhiker’s heart.

Baggyman went to untie the woman, but was attacked by an enraged scientist.  He grabbed a branch and swung for him, but the scientist parried with his own branch.

The nude, BlackJack, went to untie the woman, and stopped to grab her breasts.  Niiice!  She was now untied.  A fist came up and hit him across the mouth.  Then he fell to the ground, dead.  The woman grabbed the chain.

Baggyman and the scientist, meanwhile, were continuing in their branch fight.  With one swoop the scientist swung and Baggyman had to jump over.  He came back with a back flip and a swoop to the head.  The evil scientist’s head lopped off.

Baggyman turned in time to see the woman running towards him with the chain raised above her head.  He threw his hat, hitting her in the gut.  She dropped to the ground.  Baggyman rolled her over.  It was a man.

Baggyman rose to his feat and walked.  He got into BlackJack’s car and drove off, leaving death and destruction behind.

Igor’s hand lifted and clutched his groin.

March 17, 1986

1317½ Chapter Seven: Don’t Fear The Reaper

ACT I, SCENE I:  Introduction
It is a rainy late November night.  There is no thunder or lightning, just the steady beat of rain on glass.  The lights are off in the mental ward, but it shines through underneath the closed door.  Scott sits up in bed.

ACT I, SCENE II:  A Friend
Scott gently pulls the door open and presses his eye against the crack.  The brightly illuminated hallway is empty.  Scott opens the door just enough to squeeze through the opening, but a bright slash of light falls on another patient’s face, waking them.

ACT I, SCENE III:  A Change Of Clothes
In the hall, Scott edges cautiously along the wall, careful to avoid the cameras and convex mirrors that stand silently watching.  A hundred feet down the hall he spots his target.  He swiftly opens the door and disappears inside just as a doctor and nurse turn the corner, advancing towards the door he just entered.

ACT I, SCENE IV:  A Change Of Reality
The door marked “Locker Room” closes and Scott turns to face an unexpected scene.  He’s back at 1317 ½, hiding in the storage area with Jason.  Jason is yelling something at him, but he can’t hear.  The door splinters in slow motion and Johnson steps into the small room, brandishing a large butcher knife.

ACT II, SCENE I:  DON’T FEAR THE REAPER
Johnson disappears and the room fades away as the knife pierces Scott’s gut.  Scott is standing in the desert.  It’s twilight and a light breeze blows hot, fragrant air.  There’s a shadowy black figure behind him, just feet away, but Scott’s eyes refuse to focus and the constantly shifting image is blurred.

ACT II, SCENE II:  Death
Scott reluctantly turns from the figure in black to gaze at the infinite horizon.  Standing in front of him, mere feet away, is Johnson.  He’s not the insane, murderous pawn of the Psycho Killer.  He’s regular old Dave.  He smiles and nods at Scott.

ACT II, SCENE III:  Shadow
The desert vanishes.  We’re back in the hospital.  An eye peers through a cracked door as the doctor and nurse pass by.  The door opens and a figure creeps to the nearby door marked “Locker Room”.

ACT II, SCENE IV:  Resurrection
Scott’s head snaps up and looks at the door.  It’s closed.  He moves to a locker and opens it, putting on the clothes contained within.  He walks out of the locker room like he owns the place, passing people in the hall who don’t give him a second look.  He leaves the hospital through the front doors.

ACT III, SCENE I:  Home?
Scott stands in front of 508, looking up.  It looks the same, yet somehow different.  In the alley, hidden in shadows, Scott’s friend from the hospital looks on.  Scott climbs the steps and knocks.  An older man answers.  Scott looks past the man into the house.  It’s completely different.  A woman and two children sit watching tv.  Scott abruptly turns and runs down the steps into the night.

ACT III, SCENE II:  Mind Fuck
Scott is now outside 1317 ½.  It’s darkened and boarded up.  Nobody has lived there for quite some time.  Scott drops to his knees.  He must be insane.  The whole thing:  the Psycho Killer, 508, his friends – it was all one big hallucination.

ACT III, SCENE III:  Flashback
Scott thinks back.  He’s laying on his bed at 508.  He’s taking hits with Chris, Jason, Tom, and Greg.  He’s in the basement, at the Psycho Killer’s shrine.  He’s in the Psycho Killer’s realm, whispering something to Chris.  He’s in the mental ward of the hospital.  A hand rests on his shoulder, jarring him back to reality.

ACT III, SCENE IV:  Parting Shot
Scott rubs his eyes and looks around.  Nothing’s changed except for a figure standing behind him, grasping his shoulder.  He looks up with recognition on his face.  Deanna smiles down at him briefly before bursting into tears.

10/31/06