Melons

I’ve been doing ColuMn™ for almost a year and a half now. For the first few months, I was drawing maybe 7 hits per day. Then December came and I started getting record numbers. Like 200 hits per day. Why? Well, the stats showed that 85% of that traffic came to look at a picture of Hostess Fruitcake in my Chocodiles article. I recognized the numbers were artificially inflated , but when it all died down I’d gained a bunch of new readers.

The numbers built slowly from there until a few days ago. And then they exploded. Suddenly I’m getting double my previous best – for the last four days! Why? I asked myself. Why, indeed. I had a pretty good idea.

A while back I posted a list titled, 10 Things I Fuckin’ Love. #5 on that list was the reason my hit counts have skyrocketed. Of course, I thought to myself when I checked out the stats on top search term for the last week.  ”BOOBS“.

July 26, 2009

Key search term:  ”big fat boobies”

Yes, young and old porn fiends are scouring the darker side of ol’ WordPress, frantically searching for even the merest hint of female titflesh (I’ll use actual medical terminology to address this sensitive subject for my chick readers — you know what I mean, fellas). My humble innocent blog had become a beacon for perverts across the globe.  I like to think especially in China.

And I couldn’t be happier.

And maybe just a little bit creeped out.

July 27, 2009

Key search term:  ”boob’s”

I didn’t intend for ColuMn™ to be the sort of site where dudes would have to type “Nilla Cakesters” or “Poop Joke” with one hand. But still, literally scores of the world’s dick-having population are vigorously “beating their meat” (again, medical terminology for the ladies) to a picture of Rush (or so my people inform me).

July 28, 2009

Key search term:  ”the deep boobs”

Welcome, cockspankers. And lesbians. And the horribly misinformed. We don’t have the hardcore porn you’re probably looking for, but as we like to say around the office, we like to think we’ve got a little something for everybody to whack off to.

Hot tits.

The O’Connor Chronicles Episode Six: Under Cover!

Mountain Dew Throwback

A year ago I spent way too much time and effort looking into the Mountain Dew DewMocracy. I was less than impressed and went back for seconds on exactly zero of the three offerings. In fact, aside from a casual flirtation with Code Red and Live Wire, I’ve never really been a big fan of the Dew.

When Pepsi announced they were going to be selling Pepsi and Mountain Dew sweetened with natural sugar, I knew I’d bite. I’ve already review the Pepsi Throwback. But what about the Mountain Dew Throwback? Would I become a Dew-vert (that’s Mountain Dew convert, not Mountain Dew pervert)? Let’s find out.

Hmmm. It’s actually not horrible. A lot of the Dew soft drinks taste almost like chemicals and are universally sickeningly sweet. But this tastes good. It’s still sweet, but it doesn’t seem AS sweet as regular old Mountain Dew. I would actually drink this again. Not all the time, but on occasion.

I’m not sure how long the Throwback brand will stick around. I’m hoping permanently. These are a little hard to find, but well worth seeking out.

Happy 4th, America

1317½ Chapter Five: Three Days

ACT I, SCENE I:  Introduction
It is a cold November morning.  Chris, Cami, Jason, Greg, Arps, and Scott sit in the living room of 508, extremely high.  The remnants of their rituals are strewn across the coffee table and floor.  No one talks.  They sit, silently, staring into space.

ACT I, SCENE II:  Upstairs
Cut to Johnson in his room, which was formerly Arps’.  Johnson is sitting naked on his bed, folding a sheet of paper in half.  And then in half again.  And again.  When it gets too small to fold, he discards it, where it falls in a pile of similar scraps.  He grabs a fresh   sheet of paper and repeats the process.

ACT I, SCENE III:  Downstairs
Cut to the Psycho Killer in the basement.  The Psycho Killer is standing, rolling a nice fat joint.  He drops it and the joint falls carefully into place, joining more joints on his newly rebuilt altar.  The Psycho Killer grabs a fresh rolling paper and repeats the process.

ACT I, SCENE IV:  A Change Of Reality
Cut to Chris sitting on the sofa, taking a whippit.  His eyes widen, drawing us in as lights flicker against the black backdrop of his pupils.  We flash back to the gang, taking hits in the kitchen.  Then Chris is suddenly floating in utter blackness.  He can see himself perfectly, but can see no light source.  The only sound is a low, vibrating hum.

ACT II, SCENE I:  Victims
Just as suddenly, Chris is back in the Psycho Killer’s realm.  The Psycho Killer is whispering words in Chris’ ear and Chris is understanding what must be done.  He looks up to see Johnson standing there.  In the background Deanna sits naked, folding paper like we just saw Johnson doing.

ACT II, SCENE II:  The Message
Chris realizes that he was wrong.  He didn’t understand what the Psycho Killer was telling him.  It was gibberish, the buzzing of ten thousand flies over the screams of tortured children.  He now knows the truth.  He had been forced to believe that the Psycho Killer’s mission was clear.  He was being groomed to aide the fiend.  But that could only mean one thing.  The Psycho Killer was in his head again.

ACT II, SCENE III:  THREE DAYS
Cut to Chris, now back from his hallucination.  We back out of his shiny pupils, quickly, almost violently, expelled.  Cami, Jason, Greg, Arps, and Scott are all in the exact position they were in prior to his vision.  Only now they’re somehow at 1317-1/2.  Chris, panicked, looks at his watch to see how much time has passed.      It’s been three days.

ACT II, SCENE IV:  Howdy, neighbor!
The camera exits the apartment and heads down the stairs, entering Donny’s apartment.  Donny’s not home, but the Psycho Killer is, tending to his shrine.

ACT III, SCENE I:  The Dead
The Psycho Killer looks up, smiling.  Crowded into one corner of the room, Deanna, Chi Chi, and Stuart huddle in fear, still bearing the marks of the violent demise.  The Psycho Killer giggles, and then his head shoots a glance to the ceiling.

ACT III, SCENE II:  Panic Attack
The camera shoots up through the ceiling, passing effortlessly through the wood like a specter.  The gang is freaking.  They’re disoriented, scared, and helpless.

ACT III, SCENE III:  Parting Shot
The gang sees a flash outside the window.  Too scared to care if it’s a cop, hoping it is if anything, they run; across the room to the front window.  Cami grabs the cord and rips open the blinds.  Chris, Cami, Scott, Jason, Arps, and Greg look down as Johnson and Donny look up, shuffling grotesquely onto the lawn and then disappear into the entryway.

12/31/03