You Are Cordially Invited . . .

Baggyman’s Novel

You’ve heard the rumors.  A few lucky sonsofbitches have heard a sample chapter or two.  But only ColuMn brings you previews of all 11 chapters of Baggyman’s novel.  In the embedding clip, you will find the audio book version of the first sentences of each chapter of the novel.  Baggyman has personally overseen the recording of this monumental event and was thrilled to get Dr. Stephen Hawking to read his thought-provoking, golden words.

Enjoy.

Wacko Jacko Takes Dirt Nappo

“I know in my heart that Jacko’s in, uh, heaven now, where the Jesus Juice flows like water and the children are bent over as far as the eye can see.”

- cmsof

Jacko (circa 2012)

The Volcano Box

After trying the Volcano Taco back in October, I thought I’d probably be back for more.  But it didn’t turn out that way.  In my quest to not die before the premiere of Melrose Place, my visits to Taco Bell were extremely sparse.  So much so that recently I began to wonder if the Volcano Taco even still existed.  As things often happen, within 24 hours I caught the commerical for the Volcano Burrito.  I was sold.  To hell with living.  I had to have me a Volcano Burrito.

As I pulled up to the drive-thru of my local Taco Bell, I immediately saw the ad for The Volcano Box.  No other thought was required from that point on.  I ordered The Box with a Mountain Dew Baja Blast.  Rushing home, it was all I could do not to pry open the cover of the wonderous box to inspect the prizes contained within.

Sure, it comes with not only a Volcano Double Beef Burrito, but a Volcano Taco.  Even thatwouldn’t require a box to contain it.  So they did what they had to do and threw in a bag of Cinnamon Twists AND another plain old hard shell taco.  I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but somehow the tacos had mated and reproduced while being transported from Taco Bell to my house, and a Double Decker taco had magically appeared.  Yes, that’s an unhealthy amount of Taco Bell “food”, but dammit,  I was up to the challenge, having already conceded I was most likely going to die from this.

Mmmm.  The juicy goodness.  Of course, the first thing I hit was the Volcano Double Beef Burrito.  How could I resist?  I have to say, the Volcano Double Beef Burrito is awesome.  It has the Taco Bell meat, cheese, rice, and the hot cheese sauce that is also used on the Volcano Taco.  But it also has little bits of the hard red tortilla shell that they use to make the Volcano Taco.  And this really makes all the difference.

If you’re completely wasted and find yourself behind the wheel of your car at 1:30 on a Wednesday morning, you should definitely consider hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru and ordering The Volcano Box.  At $6.50, it’s a great value.  The food is very spicy for fast food and, as an unexpected bonus, actually pretty tasty.

One negative was that my Mountain Dew Baja Blast had next to no actual Mountain Dew Baja Blast syrup in it.  Comprised 90% of carbonated water, it did not have the desired effect of washing town this metric ton of fast food.

Deodorized

Once in a while, we here at ColuMn have been known to imbibe an adult beverage or two. When cmsof isn’t trying to kill us with absinthe, Sparks and I mostly enjoy a nice, cheap brewski.

Sparks prefers the high alcohol content of Miller High Life, while I’m more of a Rainier man (I still actively mourn the loss of Schmitty). On a hot summer night, you can often find Sparks and I out on the front stoop downing a couple half racks of heaven each.

We’ve had some good times. About as good as it can get for a guy and his robot dog. We’ve had a few bad times too. Tempers have flared. Batteries have been removed. Nuff said.

As good as those times are, I would be lying if I said that a price is not paid the next day. As soon as it’s possible to move without tasting bile, I ooze into the car and head for fast food. A sack of burgers on my couch watching X-Men Animated goes a long way towards easing the pain.

And then, the moment arrives. You feel a slight twitch, followed by a bubbly grumble. A second ago, you were fine, making Wolverine slashing motions with last night’s chop sticks. Now you’re in a life or death race against time.

If I happen to be home, there’s no problem. But if I get the beer shits at the ColuMn office, people get all weird, gagging and shoving sharp objects up their noses. So I use this. The best 99 cent product I ever shoplifted in order to avoid the embarrassment of buying it.

Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters

I’m not exactly Seattle’s biggest peanut butter novelty fanatic, but given my history with Nabisco’s Cakester brand, you know I just had to pick these up.

They’re about what you’d expect: an Oreo Cakester with peanut butter flavored creme filling. The peanut butter flavor is subtle. It is, after all, creme filling and not a glob of peanut butter between two chocolate cake disks.

Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters are a solid addition to the Cakester line-up. If peanut butter themed snacks are your thing, you can’t go wrong. The rest of us should stick with the Strawberry Creme Nilla Wafers.

★★★

The Force Of Five #1: War In ‘Nam

Twenty-five years ago I created this comic series.  Time has not been kind.

Enjoy.

Good stuff, huh?  No?  Well, fuck you.  Here’s more.

I included these because a certain O’Connor is a huge megastar and these two pages were his original origin.

And no, my “art” has not gotten any better.

In the cavernous mountains of Northern Afghanistan, a fierce firefight is underway.  Taliban fighters have overwhelmed an Army division and surround the five survivors; SSGB, Rawley, O’Connor, Klaus, and Cassidy.  Out of the gun powder-blackened skies, a slick, shifting figure descends, protecting the survivors and sending the Taliban fighters into panicked retreat.

But something sinister is going on.  SSGB, O’Connor, Rawley, and Cassidy vanish in the confusion.  Alone, Klaus, an explosives expert, tracks down his savior, codenamed TGB.  Rumors are that TGB was once a human who transformed into an amorphous mass after government Super Soldier experiments went horribly wrong, causing an enormous explosion.  Everyone within 10 miles of the blast was violently torn apart, but TGB somehow survived.

In a hidden secret cavern, Dr. V studies SSGB, O’Connor, Cassidy, and Rawley, hooked up to machines that defy description.  A voice from the shadows speaks calm and assuredly.  ”We’re all set.  Launch the missile.”

Hot And Sticky

We’d endured some wild weather over the past few days. Torrential rains followed by an afternoon that had been a blistering inferno. Water still flooded the streets and even with the sun setting I could tell that the night would be hot, humid, and sticky. The air hung there, stagnant, without even a hint of the slightest breeze. I’d had a rough day on the job and had headed down to a tavern on the waterfront for a few ice cold ones. I stepped out of the relative cool of the bar and the heat hit me like a blast furnace. I would have been drenched with sweat immediately, but the sweat evaporated before it could collect. I was bone dry and hotter than hell. And even in all that heat I felt the temperature rise when my eyes found her.

She was beautiful. Statuesque, curvy, and blond, with a breathtaking face. I was in love before my eyes had fully focused. I’d never been much of a ladies’ man, but some invisible force — call it destiny if you must — compelled me to approach her. Somehow, by some crazy, unimaginable alignment of the heavens, she professed to feel the same way. In spite of the heavy rains of the past few days, the Sound was calm, the waves gently lapping against the shore.

Nobody was around. The beach was deserted. It was still too hot and muggy to be outside, and we both wanted each other’s clothes of as soon as possible. A tangle of limbs and semi-drunken fumbling ended with two soft splashes as our bodies hit the water. Embracing we made hot, animalistic love. When we’d both achieved mind blowing, explosive orgasm, we kissed. I dove deep beneath the surface, filling my mouth with water, breaching the flat wet plane and spitting the water out like a fountain. She did the same and we were both giggling hysterically at our mindless game.

I awoke the next morning in the sand, fully clothed and alone. I wondered if I’d ever see her again or if I’d have to be content with one perfect night. I rose from the sand and started making my way up the beach and onto the pier. I stopped cold. I looked down from my perch on the pier into the water and for the first time noticed the floating “debris”. Turning my head and looking back and forth from the sign to the water, I could taste its musky earthen tone on my lips. Drunk, confused, and full of despair, I vomited down the front of my shirt and all over a group of tourists who were oblivious to my pain.

I’d been a shitsucker, luxurating in a steaming hot tub of fecal matter, urine, vomit, and general filth.  Was that a condom?  I vomited again.

Now, at the end of my days, I look back on that night and vividly picture the beautiful stranger who had shared a bath in sewage with me.  I’ve long forgotten her face, but I’ll never forget the taste in my mouth the next morning and the smell of feces being carried to shore by the gentle ocean breeze.

The ColuMn Face-Off: Cola Wars II

Earlier this year I took an in-depth look at some colas that I enjoyed.  I pitted Coca-Cola Classic against Mexican Coke and Jones Pure Cane Cola.  The clear and undisputed winner was Mexican Coke.

About a month or so ago, Pepsi obviously read my article and decided to get in on the sugar-sweetened cola action by getting their Pepsi Throwback in select stores (none apparently anywhere I have ever or will ever shop).  After weeks of constant searching, I’ve finally tracked down this elusive soda.  It’s time to see how it stacks up against the competition.

This time out I’m sticking regular Pepsi in the cage with Pepsi Throwback, Red Bull Cola, and Mexican Coke.  Can any of these daring upstarts dethrow the champ?  Is sugar-sweetened soda really worth two full articles and hours of taking pictures of cans and bottles?  Let’s find out, shall we?  It’s time for the, you guess it again, tough guy . . .

First up, I wanted to feature a Face-Off between regular old Pepsi and Pepsi Throwback.  Let’s kick things off with a look at regular Pepsi.

Calories:  150
Sodium: 30 mg
Sugars: 41 g
Sweetened with high fructose corn syrup

While I prefer Coke to Pepsi, I don’t absolutely HATE Pepsi.  It’s just not quite punchy enough for me.  This taste-test confirms that, but it is a perfectly fine beverage.  I normally drink diet soda, so pretty much anything tastes like a sweet elixir in comparison.

We’ve all had Pepsi.  We all know what it tastes like.  Given that fact, it’s the perfect comparison point to all the sodas that will follow here.

 

 

Calories: 150
Sodium: 40 mg
Sugars: 40g
Sweetened with sugar

I’ve been enjoying these for some time now, and they are SWEET.  Literally, sugary sweet.  The taste is crisp and very similar to Mexican Coke, but distinctively Pepsi.  I highly recommend seeking these out.  Up until yesterday I thought they were only availble in 12-pack cans, but I purchased five 20-ounce plastic bottles yesterday, so who knows?  They might even have 2-liter bottles of the stuff.  However you drink it, that there’s a major label sugar-sweetened cola available for a standard soda price is HUGE.

 

Calories: 130
Sodium: 10 mg
Sugars: 31 g

Red Bull has an uphill climb in the Cola Wars.  First off, you see the RED BULL brand and you immediately think, “hideous piss colored poison with generous doses of taurine.”  That’s unfortunate, because of all of the sugar-sweetened sodas I’ve sampled, Red Bull Cola is the most natural, “healthy”, and unique one on the market.  Just check out the ingredients:  Water, sugar, carbon dioxide, natural flavor (caramel), natural flavors from plant extracts (galangol, vanilla, mustard seed, lime, kola nut, cacao, licorice, cinnamon, lemon, ginger, coca leaf, orange, corn mint, pine, cardamom, mace, clove), lemon juice concentrate, caffeine from coffee beans.  That’s it.

Of course, the ingredient getting all of the attention is the coca leaf, which I guess contains trace amounts of cocaine.  They carry this at the QFC and I haven’t exactly gotten high off the stuff yet.

Red Bull Cola is available in 12 ounce (355 ml) and 8.4 ouce (250 ml) cans.

 

Calories: 150
Sodium: 85 mg
Sugars: 39 g

This is one Mexican immigrant that even your staunchest Republican asshole would love.    Paint a dick on it and stick it in an airport bathroom and there’s not a Republican that could resist, I’d wager.

I’ve already gushed about this one plenty.  I will say I’m really surprised by the high sodium content.  No wonder I’m so thirsty after finishing a bottle.

This still tastes the best, though.  Maybe it’s the fact that it comes in a fancy glass bottle.  Or maybe it’s the fact that it costs $2.50 for 12 ounces compared to $5 for twelve 12-ounce cans of Pepsi Throwback.  Whatever the reason, it’s awesome.

In the end, taking everything into account, I’d rate the Mexican Coke as the #1 sugar-sweetened soda.  Pepsi Throwback is really close and gets bonus points for being affordable and more or less readily available.  But Red Bull Cola gets points for it’s unique taste and all-natural ingredients.  So what should somebody do who’s looking for the ultimate sugar-sweetened soda experience?  Do what I did.  Load up the trunk with all three and prepare to become an enormous fat fuck.

Capri Sun Sunrise: Orange Wake Up

While it’s pretty clear that I’ll never try, let alone write about, every single flavor of Capri Sun, it’s even more clear that it was my destiny to both try AND write about Capri Sun’s Sunrise brand of morning juices. Consisting of three flavors (Orange Wake Up, Tropical Morning, and Berry Tangerine Morning), one thing is for certain: somebody at Capri Sun thinks kids who drink plain old orange juice with their Marshmallow Blasted Froot Loops are squares.

I tried the Orange Wake Up and was immediately impressed with Capri Sun’s decision to put out a product that tastes almost exactly like Tang. It’s not orange juice, but it’s not bad either. While it tastes a little chalky, it’s a refreshing 6 ounces of space age orange-flavored beverage.

All in all, I probably won’t buy this again.  It’s alright, but not great.  And unless you’re drinking it ice cold, it becomes downright unpleasant, with a slight mediciny taste.

ColuMn FACTS!
60 calories
No fat
15mg sodium
15g sugars
100% of your daily dose of Vitamin C.

ColuMn Fun Fact™: Capri Sun will probably NOT get you laid.