Transactional Analysis for Tots

First published in 1973, this book by Dr. Alvyn M. Freed Ph.D. was groundbreaking in that it taught kids that pedophilia was O.K.

Small animals love Dr. Freed and so should you. I, however, have learned not to trust anyone from the 70s who doesn’t have patches on his elbows.

Following Dr. Freed’s example and carelessly glossing over the awkward sexual connotations that the word “stroke” immediately brings to mind, I find it somehow even more unsettling that the sentence ends abruptly after “feel”. I picture a maniac with a knife escalating his brutal killing spree just to feel something. ANYTHING.

This finally explains Freddie Prinze Jr.

Continuing its message of horrific violence and brutal misogynistic sexual abuse, this passage gives us perhaps our most revealing look into the disturbed mind of this “Dr. Freed”.  This is the book that Mrs. Voorhees read to young Jason the night before he drowned.

And there you have it. ColuMn’s in-depth look at the handbook for 21st Century parenting.  Who says Transactional Analysis is only for kids?

Sky Bar

There was one thing that compelled me to buy this candy bar.  The name “Necco” right there in the upper left hand corner.  To the best of my knowledge, Necco isn’t exactly known for their chocolate.  Not expected much, I pluncked down my money and went for it.

The gimmick behind this candy bar (because let’s face it, nobody’s going to invent another Snickers anytime soon) is that each section of the bar contains a different flavored filling.  Here’s the rundown:

 

Fudge

Sorry for the  blurry picture.  I was, as usual, incredibly drunk on photo day.  Anyway, this was my first taste of the Necco Sky Bar and I was instantly impressed.  Mmm.  Extremely good and chocolately.  This is a great start.

 

Peanut

The second square (or third if you’re eating it the way you’re “supposed” to) is called “Peanut”.  You might expect there to be, I’m just tossing this out there, a peanut or something inside.  There are no peanut bits, but the nougat is definitely peanutty.  This sort of tastes like a Snickers bar without the chunks.

 

Vanilla

I’m a big fan of vanilla and was looking forward to this one most of all.  I was not disappointed.  This one had the pearly white nougat and tasted almost exactly like a Cadbury Easter Creme Egg.  It made me wonder if Necco and Cadbury weren’t using the same chocolate.  Maybe even the same factory.

 

Caramel

And then, finally, we come to the traditional “caramel”.  You know what this tastes like?  A chocolate-covered soft caramel.  Good job, Necco.

 

What a delightful surprise.  Necco, as we all know, is primarily known for their chalky candy wafers, with a seasonal nod to their Valentine’s Day Conversation Hearts.

This new “variety” candy bar is like a miniature collection of boxed candies, in the Russell Stover or Sees tradition.  This is a very good candy bar.  And how do they do it?  How do they make one bar with four different fillings?  Some mysteries are never meant to be solved, and this is one of them.

This comes highly recommended if you can find it.  Though it’s been around a while, this is the first time I have encountered it.

ColuMn FACTS!

Serving size: 1 bar
Calories:  200
Caleries from fat:  80
Sodium: 50mg
Sugars: 27g

ColuMn Fun Fact™: Sky Bar was first introduced in 1938!

On The First Day

I suppose this as as valid of a theory as any featured in the Bible, but according to everything I’ve read or seen in Charleton Heston movies, Rick Springfield didn’t appear until the New Testament.

It says in the Bible that on the first day God created the heavens, earth, and introduced light.  What is fails to mention is that Rick Springfield was also created on that day.  It must have been lonely for Rick.  And he must have been kind of resentful.  On day six, Adam comes along and God makes a fuck buddy for him.  What about Rick?  The Rickster?  Nothing?  You know Rick was disappointed.  Adam probably had a bigger dick, too,  just to add insult to injury.

Even still, at least Rick gets a special shout out in the form of a bumpersticker.  What about poor Leif Garrett?  All he gets is a crappy youtube tribute that doesn’t even have the decency to use Leif’s own “music”.  

You know what God’s favorite song is?  I’ll bet you do.  That’s right.  ”Affair Of The Heart“.  You know it’s true because why else would God bother to create Rick Springfield on Day One?  Obviously, Springfield’s sole purpose was to write and record “Affair Of The Heart” because God loves that song.

 

The first album to be sold with a lump of shit smashed inside the jacket.

KISS had a song back in the 80’s hair metal days called “And On The 8th Day”.  Even Gene Simmons didn’t have the ego to proclaim that God created KISS on the first day.  Jesus Christ.  What kind of a narcissistic lunatic would do that?  No.  In “And On The 8th Day” God creates rock and roll.  You know what that tells me?  Maybe “Affair Of The Heart” isn’t God’s favorite song after all.  Maybe God got a little sick of Rick’s brand of sappy pop and created rock and roll to drown out the incessant whining.

At any rate, I believe everything that I read in bumpersticker form, so I have no choice but to grudgingly conceed that Rick Springfield was created on the first day.  Fine.  No wonder he looks so fucking old now.

Tiger Sauce

 

Heed the roar of the tiger.

With barbecue season upon us (more or less), I feel it’s my duty as the internet’s only saucitician to fill you in on my favorite sauce, TryMe® Tiger Sauce.

I first ran across this spicy, tangy sauce years ago at Bimbo’s Bitchin Burrito Kitchen in Seattle.  I knew that it was delicious with Mexican food, but I only recently decided to start dumping it all over everything to overwhelmingly positive results.

It works great as steak sauce.  It’s also quite tasty on potatoes, mac and cheese, and pizza.  The label has dozens of other suggestions, including eggs, cheese, salad dressing, and much, much more.

Made by the Reily Foods Company in New Orleans, this is one sauce that you’ll practically want to drink from the bottle.  At the same time, it doesn’t overwhelm the foods that it’s enhancing.  Tiger Sauce receives ColuMn’s coveted 5-star rating.

ColuMn FACTS!

Serving size:  1 tablespoon
Calores:  10
Sodium:  100 mg
Sugar:  2g

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  Contains Worcestershire Sauce!

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★★

 

Star Trek

43 years ago a guy named Gene Roddenberry put together a pilot for a show featuring a handsome captain, a brave first officer, and a point-eared greenish guy.  And the show was promptly not picked up.  So Roddenberry shuffled some things around, put the pointy-eared guy in the first officer role, recast the rest of the crew, and began a journey that spanned six tv series and ten movies, while on its way to becoming an unparalleled cultural phenomenon.  Now, with JJ Abrams new movie, Star Trek, we’ve come full circle.

I’ll try to avoid major spoilers, but I think it’s safe to say that the movie features time travel and a possible alternate timeline.  The movie begins with the divergence from the established timeline as the villainous Romulan, Nero (Eric Bana), travels back from the post-Nemesis era to the post-Enterprise era.  

We follow young James Kirk (Chris Pine) and young Spock (Zachary Quinto) as they overcome somewhat troubled childhoods to find themselves as foes after Kirk does something that he’s rather famous for in the old timeline (I won’t give it away – one of the joys of this movie is spotting all the old familiar things that old Trekkies like me love).  Soon Nero rears his tattooed head and we’re finally on board our old friend, the U.S.S. Enterprise.  Man.  The ship has rarely looked better.

What follows is basically the story of the first mission that the TOS crew embarks on.  There are generous portions of Star Wars thrown into the mix, with spectacular space battles, epic stunts, and even a visit to Hoth (okay, maybe it’s not Hoth, but it’s definitely cut from the same cloth) where he runs into an OLD friend (Leonard Nimoy) in one of the movies best scenes.

By the end of the movie, the crew is all in place and Kirk is behind the conn of the ship he will grow to love more than perhaps anything else in the galaxy.  And speaking of the crew, each of them gets at least one moment to shine, with Uhura and Scotty probably being the real stand-outs.  And yes, there really was no way that I could see them working William Shatner into the movie.

There are quite a few questions this new timeline opens up that may or may not be answered in subsequent movies/tv series, but for now I’m just enjoying the experience of watching the first really great Trek movie since 1996’s First Contact.  This new Trek is right up there with the best of the series.

There are criticisms, but they are minor.  I’m not sure I’m sold on the new timeline.  I get why they did it, but I think I’d rather see a movie set in the next NEXT generation than going back to TOS.  There are enough lens flares for thirty Star Trek movies.  And it might be a little TOO Star Warsy.  But I repeat, these are minor, minor criticisms.   On the whole, the movie works on all cylinders.

I’m leaving out most of the details.  This is a movie you should experience for yourself.  It’s an action-packed popcorn sci-fi movie that’s perfectly cast and expertly directed.  Highly recommended.

★★★★

1317½ Chapter Three: Revolution Calling

ACT I, SCENE I:  Introduction
It is night.  The weather has taken a turn for the worse, going from a cool drizzle to an icy downpour. Flashes of lightning illuminate the slicked street, charging the air with an angry energy.  Through the windows of the second story apartment we enter the scene to watch the terror unfold.

ACT I, SCENE II:  Harsh Revelations
Jason and Arps turn from the bloody letters on the wall and face Chris.  All three are in a state of shock, trying to wrap their minds around the gruesome act of violence before them.  Jason and Arps simultaneously reach the same conclusion.  The Psycho Killer was a hallucination.  Would Chris go this far to prove his madness?

ACT I, SCENE III:  Hasty Denials
Chris knows exactly what his friends are thinking.  That the same thing that happened to Scott was happening to him.  What if they were right?  Chris denies any involvement, trying once more to get them to believe him.  The Psycho Killer had somehow found a way into reality.  That, or they were still in the hallucination.

ACT I, SCENE IV:  A Change Of Reality
Chris’ consciousness is suddenly ripped from his physical body so violently that when he finally comes to a stop, he’s momentarily disoriented.  As his brain catches up with his vision, he sees an entirely different reality before him.  Darkness and filth permeate every inch.  Chris wants to vomit, but can’t.

ACT II, SCENE I:  REVOLUTION CALLING
Just as suddenly, the Psycho Killer appears in front of him, his clothes and flesh still wet with Deanna’s blood.  He speaks to Chris, explaining the world around him.  Chris tries to shut out the Psycho Killer’s voice, the sound of which rakes at his eardrums.

ACT II, SCENE II:  Xanadu Revisited
The Psycho Killer leads Chris through the pestilence to the edge of an enormous silver dome.  The Psycho Killer touches the surface and a door morphs into existence.  The Psycho Killer leads Chris through a battered but livable city to a huge wall.  The gates are opened and Chris finds himself in the middle of the garden of Eden.

ACT II, SCENE III:  The Promise Of Untold Riches
The Psycho Killer leads Chris to a huge mansion, part castle, part pyramid.  The doors open and they enter an enormous front room, opulently decorated.  The Psycho Killer takes great pride in showing off the house’s treasures.  On their tour, Chris sees many beings that are obviously the same sort of beings as the Psycho Killer.

ACT II, SCENE IV:  Damn Them All To Hell!
The Psycho Killer grabs Chris’ temples.  With a jolt, Chris finally understands.  Armageddon had visited the Psycho Killer’s dimension, somehow leaving the city inside the dome relatively untouched.  All the world’s treasures now resided in the very building Chris was now standing in.  Utopia among the ruins.

ACT III, SCENE I:  Reality Check
Sensing Chris is still unconvinced, the Psycho Killer     leans in close to Chris’ ear and barely whispers one sentence.  Chris suddenly understands and now knows exactly what must be done.

ACT III, SCENE II:  Parting Shot
The camera zooms up to Chris’ eye and enters.  Darkness sets in and then we realize the camera is being pulled back.  The light returns.  We are now back in the apartment.  Chris is on the floor in convulsions.  Jason and Arps stare in horror, not noticing the door opening.  The trance is broken by an ear piercing scream.  Cami’s home.

 

 

12/28/01