The ColuMn Kitchen: 50’s Prime Time Café Peanut Butter and Jelly Shake

We’ve all seen the recipes that they often include on cereal boxes or soup cans or, yes, peanut butter jars.  But how many times do you actually take the time to read over the recipes, let alone try them out?  Me?  Never.  Until now.

Usually when I review a snack or drink, I fully expect to give the product a try and then throw it away.  Not this time.  This is REALLY good.

Healthy?  No.  An addicting peanut buttery ice cream surprise?  Yes.

As you can tell by the video, I pretty much ball-parked the exact quantity of ingedients and haphazardly threw the whole mess together and it STILL turned out delicious.  

I highly recommend giving this one a shot.  If anything, I’d adjust the peanut butter down and the blackberry jam up, but that might be just me.  Give it a try for yourself.

Duff McKagan’s Loaded: Sick

I was recently introduced to the music of Duff McKagan’s Loaded.  Duff was the bass player in the original Guns N’ Roses and has since gone on to be the bass player in Velvet Revolver.  Loaded is his side project, and I guess they play fairly often here in Duff’s hometown of Seattle.

I got the latest Loaded CD, Sick, a few days before I saw them play live at the Crocodile.  I immediately  liked what I heard, but it’s only been in the week and a half since I saw them live that I’ve truly come to appreciate what a great rock record this is.

Duff is featured on vocals and guitar, joined by lead guitarist Mike Squires, bassist Jeff Rouse, and drummer Geoff Reading.  Their credo, according to their website is, “Punk rock ethic with a rock n’ roll slant that tilts a bit ’left of center.  LOADED are here to impress no one; choosing instead to create a safe place where creative minds can flourish.”  Whatever that means.

01     SICK – A dark, hard rockin’ kick-off song.  This is one of the hardest songs on the record.    ★★★½

02     SLEAZE FACTORY – This one really rocks.  A devil horns-pumpin’ anthem.  ★★★★★

03     FLATLINE – The hit single.  A catchy tune that, what do you know, rocks.  ★★★★

04     IOU – Some pretty good harmonies enhance this song which, if you took out the screeching guitar and pounding bass and drums, could almost be mistaken for a Cure song.  ★★★

05     THE SLIDE – This one is probably the most overt punk rock song on the record.  Just not one of my favorites.  ★★½

06     TRANSLUCENT – This one sort of reminds me of Alice Cooper.  I have no idea why.  ★★★★

07     MOTHER’S DAY – The obligatory ballad.  Mellow, but still a decent tune.  A little depressing.  ★★★

08     I SEE THROUGH YOU – This kicks off my favorite section of the album right now.  A driving rocker that’s one of the heaviest songs on the disk.  ★★★★½

09     FORGIVE ME – My current favorite.  Fucking rocks with a kill guitar solo.  Doesn’t get any better.  ★★★★★

10     NO SHAME – Another good, melodic rocker.  ★★★½

11     BLIND DATE GIRL – This has just a touch of honky tonk rock.  The weakest song in the set.  ★★

12     WASTED HEART (ELECTRIC VERSION) – This could easily be Use Your Illusion-era Gn’R.  The acoustic version is available as a single, with the previously unreleased track, “Executioner’s Song”.  ★★★

13     NO MORE – A great way to close out the album with a nice, straightforward rocker.  ★★★★

The guitarist is, in fact, evil.

Let’s face it, you’re never going to know if you like it or not until you listen to it.  Buy it, listen to it all the way through, and if you don’t like it, well, there’s nothing anybody can do to help you.

OVERALL SCORE:  ★★★★

If you’re looking for good, solid hard rock, you can’t go wrong with this energetic collection of stripped down, dirty rock and roll.

The ColuMn Inteview: Baggyman

EDITOR’S NOTE:  When ColuMn first ran their report on the mythical entity Baggyman back in March, we had no idea the whirlwind that we would stir up.  But now, a month later, as authorities sort through information and leads, we are proud to announce that we have scored the first interview with the ethereal menace.  After weeks of investigation, the internet’s only investigative reporter, BlackJack, was able to track down the mysterious figure of malevolence known only as “Baggyman”.  The following is an interview conducted in Baggyman’s lair.  At times charming, Baggyman can turn in an instant to murderous soul-sodomite. 

 

"I'm a lot like everybody else, I guess. It's the simple things, you know?"

ColuMn:  So is this a typical “day-in-the-life” for Baggyman?

Baggyman:  Pretty much, BlackJack.  Pretty much.  Chill here in the lair, maybe catch a flick.  Teabag the occasional soul.  I’m a lot like everybody else, I guess.  It’s the simple things, you know?

C:  haha.  I do know, Baggy.  May I call you Baggy?

B:  Not if you value the current un-tea-bagged condition of your soul, infidel.

C:  Noted, B.M.

B:  Definitely not “B.M.” (It’s confirmed at this point that Baggyman is indeed the type of person that uses air quotes).

C:  If Baggyman were a tree, what tree would he be?

B:  Well, funny you should ask.  I was a tree at one point.  Actually, given that I’m made up of 60% recycled material, I came from a number of different trees.

C:  That’s boring.  What’s your favorite curse word?  Mine is shit-covered-dick-fuck.

B:  That’s four words.

C:  No, it’s not.  Is “shipwreck” two words?

B:  No, but that’s different.

C:  Now you’re the expert on the English language.  I’m a fucking internet writer.  You got a dictionary papier mâchéd into that thing?

B:  You’re treading dangerously close to oblivion, human.  And it’s not papier mâché.

 

"Baggyman has always been Baggyman and always will be Baggyman."

C:  What was Baggyman like as a child?

B:  Baggyman was never a child.   Baggyman has always been Baggyman and always will be Baggyman.

C:  Well, I’m starting to get a little hungry, so I’m going to have to cut this short.

B:  I cannot allow you to leave.

C:  Of course not.  Not before one last question.  What exactly is up with your catchphrase, “I’ll teabag your soul”?

B:  Too much?

C:  Well, it’s a little gay.

B & C in unison:  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

B:  (laughing) I love Seinfeld.

C:  Me too.  Hey, I’ve got tickets to his show next week at the Paramount.  Want to go?

B:  Really?

C:  Yeah.  My friend 8 Ball was supposed to go with me, but fuck it.  The chicks will dig you.

B:  Cool.  I’m in.

C:  Great.  I’ll email you.  But seriously, what’s involved in teabagging a soul?

 

"Now I feel dirty."

B:  Well, it’s more like a metaphor than a physical act.

C:  So you’re dipping your metaphorical balls into your victim’s metaphorical soul.

B:  Exactly.

C:  I don’t get it.

B:  Look at this way, BlackJack.  When all is said and done you feel like I washed my balls in your soul.  It’s just kind of an icky, dirty feeling.  

C:  I’ve been with whores who made me feel that way.  And itchy.

B:  Now I feel dirty.

 

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Baggyman did eventually physically toss BlackJack out of his lair.  The aura of sick perversion, however, will never be completely gone.

Capri Sun

When I was a kid, attending middle school in my predominantly white, Beaver Cleaver-inspired town, a lunchtime staple was Capri Sun.  At the time I preferred the sweet, intoxicating taste of Coca-Cola, but for some reason back then parents didn’t want to send their kids off to school with a can of pop (luckily there was an old folks’ home just across the street that had a pop machine that sold Cokes for something insane like 25 cents).

By the time I got to high school, I was done with Capri Sun (or as I, and I’m assuming only I, called it “Crappy Sun”).    Now whiskey or liquid l.s.d. were my beverages of choice.

And then I grew up, graduated from high school and college and entered the workforce, where I make a living trying to look busy while doing the bare minimum required to keep my job.  But as I was walking through the grocery store the other day, my eye caught that familiar box, relatively unchanged in the intervening two plus decades:  Capri Sun.  Never one to half-ass an impulse buy, I loaded my cart with 7 boxes of the fruity concoction.  My fridge is useless for anything else for a while, but for now it houses what I believe to be the single greatest amassing of Capri Sun.

Today we look back fondly on those golden days of yore and remember the simpler times when all it took to get your face bashed in was the wrong kind of juice box and maybe an ill-timed “homo” mumbled under your breath.  A time when men were men and women were women and silver pouches of nature’s nectar were the closest thing to being an astronaut a young boy could achieve.

I had no idea that Capri Sun had so many varieties and flavors.  I thought my initial purchase of seven would pretty much exhaust the supply, but no.  The fine people at Kraft Foods aren’t content with seven juicy varieties.  They have to have TWENTY-FIVE flavors.  Clearly, I will either be coming back at some point with a Part Two and Part Three, or I will lose interest ten minutes after I hit “POST” and that will be that.

Let’s begin.

ORIGINAL CAPRI SUN

Fruit Punch

Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, PEAR AND GRAPE JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID, WATER EXTRACTED ORANGE AND PINEAPPLE JUICE CONCENTRATES, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.

Delightful.  This is probably the flavor that I enjoyed the most as a kid.  Allow me to coin a phrase when I said “This is one fruit that definitely has some punch to it!”™

Wild Cherry

Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, PEAR AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID, GRAPE JUICE CONCENTRATE, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.

This reminds me of Hi-C juice boxes.  Quite good.  My favorite so far.  Is it wrong that all I can think is, “This might be pretty good with vodka”?

Tropical Punch

Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID, GRAPE, PINEAPPLE AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, NATURAL FLAVOR, VITAMIN E ACETATE.

Tastes a lot like liquid Juicy Fruit gum.  Alright, but not GREAT.  Unless you really, really, really like Juicy Fruit gum.

Lemonade

Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, LEMON JUICE CONCENTRATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVOR, VITAMIN E ACETATE.

A difficult flavor to pin down.  Lemony without being either too tart or too sweet.  I guess the closest analogy I can offer is that it tastes sort of like the Minute Maid Lemonade that you get in the 20 ounce plastic soda bottle.  As the saying goes, “When life hands you Capri Sun™ Lemonade, drink it!”

Mountain Cooler

Ingredients: WATER, SUGAR, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID, VITAMIN E ACETATE, NATURAL FLAVOR.

A typical “Mountain Berry”-type drink.  I was never a huge fan of Mountain Berry, but this is not bad at all.  ”Cooler” to me implies some late-80s wine cooler that I will inevitably try to suck through a beer bong and immediately throw up into my crotch.

BONUS!!

Capri Sun “100% Juice” Line:  Part One

Fruit Dive

Ingredients: FILTERED WATER, APPLE, GRAPE, AND CHERRY JUICE CONCENTRATES, CITRIC ACID (FOR TARTNESS), NATURAL FLAVOR.

Three real fruit juices (cherry, grape, and apple).  Tastes like, well, a combo of those three juices.  A slightly different take on the traditional fruit punch.  Good, but not great.  ”No need to take a DIVE, kids!  This FRUIT drink packs one fuckuva PUNCH!”

Apple Splash

Ingredients: FILTERED WATER, APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE, CITRIC ACID (FOR TARTNESS), NATURAL FLAVOR.

Yep.  Tastes like Apple Juice.  You know what I always think of when I start to swallow a nice, refreshing glass of frothy, golden apple juice? Urine. True Story.

ColuMn FACTS!

ORIGINAL CAPRI SUN
70 calories
15 mg sodium
19 g carbohydrates
18 g sugars

100% JUICE CAPRI SUN
90 Calories
0 g Fat
30 mg sodium
23 g carbohydrates
22 g sugars

ColuMn Fun Fact™:  True, these are designed for kids, but you’re doing yourself NO favors by not picking up a box and enjoying an ice-cold Capri Sun!  At 20 cents PER POUCH, you literally can not go wrong.   Try it!  Okay.  That’s a pretty lame Fun Fact™.  But shut up!  Just be thankful we’re not pulling something stupid like an obviously made-up Baggyman interview.

ColuMn Fun Fact™II:  The juices really are different colors!  Slightly.

The Most Vile Supervillain Trading Card Ever Produced

As a comic book fan, I’m pretty well versed on the various evil-doers who comprise the hallowed halls of supervillainy.  But there is one scumbag who long ago decided to take the term “supervillain” to the next level.  And he has his own trading card.

Yes, it’s Dick “Diseased Cock” Cheney, our gone, but not missed, former Vice President.  You know, the guy who ensured that Bush wouldn’t be impeached or assassinated.

Super powers include the ability to believe his own bullshit, turning a surplus into an enormous deficit (what Bizarro alchemists call turning gold into shit), avoiding prosecution for crimes against humanity, and ruining not only a country, but the entire world.

Be on the lookout for this douchebag.  He was last spotted attempting to appear human in a Blofeld-esque wheelchair.  No word on if Cheney IS Baggyman, but no word that he isn’t.

1317½ Chapter Two: Kiss Of Death

ACT I, SCENE I:  Introduction
The next morning.  It’s another dreary, wet November day; typical weather for this time of year.  Chris grabs his umbrella and exits the house, walking the two blocks to where his friend Jason shares an apartment with Arps.

ACT I, SCENE II:  Remember
Jason admits Chris into his top floor apartment.  Arps is playing video games.  Chris tells Jason and Arps about what’s been going on.  Arps and Jason exchange glances.  They wait until Chris is finished talking before responding.

ACT I, SCENE III:  Doubts
Jason tells Chris that the 508 gang is worried about him.  He seems to be the only one unable to come to terms with their experiences with the Psycho Killer.  They remind him that the Psycho Killer was a group hallucination and has no power in reality.

ACT I, SCENE IV:  A Change Of Reality
Suddenly, Chris is no longer sitting talking with Jason and Arps.  He is two blocks away watching as the Psycho Killer forces his way into reality using the deformed man on the ground floor.  He sees the Psycho Killer grab a lengthy knife, leave his apartment, and ring the buzzer to the upstairs apartment.

ACT II, SCENE I:  Lightning Strikes
Chris watches as the door to his apartment is opened and Deanna answers.  She sees the deformed man, who Chris now knows as Donny.  They exchange brief words and then Deanna opens the door wide and Donny walks in.

ACT II, SCENE II:  Nightmare
In a flash, Chris is now inside his apartment.  The door opens and Deanna walks in with Donny.  Deanna leaves the room and Donny reveals himself as the Psycho Killer to the unseen Chris.

ACT II, SCENE III:  Confrontation
The Psycho Killer walks over to where Chris’ consciousness is watching the whole scene and flashes a toothy, bloody grin as he pulls the large knife from behind his back.  The Psycho Killer laughs as Chris watches in horror.  Deanna re-enters the room.

ACT II, SCENE IV:  KISS OF DEATH
Chris is forced to watch, helpless to do anything, as the Psycho Killer turns and begins butchering Deanna.  Her screams fade, as does the sound of ripping flesh, as Chris opens his eyes to find himself back in Jason and Arps’ apartment.

ACT III, SCENE I:  Desperation
Chris leaps from his chair and races for the door, begging Jason and Arps to follow him.     Perplexed, they nevertheless do follow, partly out of concern for their friend and partly out of curiosity.  Chris leads them to his apartment and they’re hot on his heels as he mounts the stairs leading to the upper floor.

ACT III, SCENE II:  Parting Shot
Chris, Jason, and Arps stop at the threshold of the apartment, gagging at the horrific sight before them.  The apartment is awash with blood and Deanna’s mutilated corpse is nailed to the wall with a message scrawled in her blood beside it.  “See you soon” is all it says.

 

1/1/00