Baggyman’s Faces Of Death

Original Version

Twilight

As you have no doubt read on various internet gossip sites, I enjoy adult entertainment (ie. porn).  But what hasn’t been as widely reported is my affection for teen drama.  From the hallowed halls of Bayside High to the Upper East Side, I’ve followed the adventures of various groups of annoying teenage stereotypes for, let’s face it, an uncomfortable number of years.  But a guy has to draw the line somewhere, and that place for me was at the abstinence propaganda piece, Twilight.

Now, as you might suspect, I had never even heard of this “Twilight” until late 2008, just as the movie was opening.  For some reason, the marketers of Stephanie Meyer’s teen vampire series chose to focus their efforts on fourteen-year old girls instead of the internet’s only entertainment reporter.  I did the only thing an angry old man like me could do:  I completely ignored it.

A month later, my sister gave me a copy of Twilight (the book).  I’m not entirely sure why.  Was it my well-publicized imaginary love affair with Buffy?  Was it my years of compiling TV Guide show descriptions of Saved By The Bell?  No one will ever truly know.

I had a couple of things I wanted to read first (Batman #680 and the lyrics to Don Johnson’s mega-hit, “Heartbeat”), but by the end of January I was ready to begin.

We’ll be discussing a number of Twilight-related projects, but let’s start with the book.  Cutting to the chase, I liked it.  It’s the story of a teenage girl, Bella, who moves from Arizona to Forks, Washington, where, we’re told, the sun rarely shines.  This might be important later.  Stay tuned.  Once in Forks, she meets and becomes obsessed with Edward Cullen, a mysterious and handsome lad who at first appears to loathe Bella, but slowly warms to her.  The first half of the book details Edward and Bella’s meeting and unhealthy compulsion towards each other.  Of course, things are complicated by the fact that Edward and his entire family are vampires, though they are “vegetarian”, in that they don’t eat people.

But Edward REALLY wants to “eat” Bella.  He loves her, but he wants to sink his teeth into her flesh and suck her dry.  So he learns to restrain himself so that his passions don’t get the better of him.  Get it?  Yeah, the “message” is there and it can get kind of annoying, but for the most part it’s pretty easy to ignore it and enjoy the story.

The second half of the book veers into action territory when another group of vamps, of the human-eating variety, show up and it’s up to the Cullens to save Bella.

A chase ensues, Bella attempts to sacrifice herself for Edward, the main bad vamp is destroyed, and it’s happily ever after . . . until the sequel, New Moon, which I have not read.

All in all, it was a fun book that kept you turning the pages.  I’d place it somewhere alongside The DaVinci Code in terms of artistry.

 

A day or two after I finished the book, I decided to check out the movie (for the sole purpose of writing this review, of course).  It was a decent adaptation of the novel.  The actors were well-suited for their roles, if not exactly how I’d pictured them as I read the book.  The filmmaking was amateurish and the effects were less than special, but it was solidly entertaining.  And at least they explained where the evil female vampire goes at the end of the story (note: like I said, I haven’t read New Moon, so I have no idea if Meyer addresses this dangling plot thread, though I suspect she does.  It just is noticeably absent from Twilight the novel).

I guess Twilight is out on dvd tomorrow if you didn’t see it in theaters.  I think it might actually be enhanced by home-viewing.

 

I was at the store today grocery shopping and ran across a huge display featuring this fine product.  I’m not exactly sure why these are making their debut now.  It seems odd to see them alongside the Easter candy.  I think this would have done better during Valentine’s Day, but from what I’ve read, these didn’t debut until after that.  Oh well.    I’m not really interested enough to investigate further.

As you can see in the above pic, these Necco’s Sweethearts Conversation Heatrts Forbidden Fruits break the rules set by previous novelty phrase hearts by being enclosed in their own protective plastic bag, making the box simply a marketing ploy and of no value whatsoever in terms of product dispensing.  

And speaking of marketing ploys, Necco’s really gone all out.  Not only is the tagline, “The Forbidden Fruit Tastes The Sweetest”, but they also apparently have a special “I ♥ EC” heart that has a “Secret Scent” that you “Rub to Reveal”.  I rubbed it.  It smelled like candy.

There are only four flavors in this series of hearts.  No banana.  Come on!  What fruit is more representative of passion than a banana (note: in case you haven’t noticed, a banana is somewhat shaped like a stiffy).  You have Passion Fruit, Secret Strawberry, Tempting Apple, and Orange Obsession.  The passion fruit is by far the worst, with the strawberry bringing up a very close second (think strawberry-flavored Starburst and NOT Frankenberry-strawberry).  The apple flavor is probably the best, with the orange being good, but not as good as regular orange.  

The purple is supposed to mimic the way Edward’s skin glitters when exposed to direct sunlight.  It’s an effect that’s probably better on paper than in implementation.

Sample phrases:  Lamb, I Trust You, U R My Life (Yikes), Bad Boy, Live 4 Ever, Dazzle, Soul Mate, Trust Me, I Want You (I think is the most explicit conversation heart ever), and, of course, I ♥ E C.  Plus a bunch of regular ones.

 

Well, that’s it for our Twilight wrap-up.  The final word?  The book’s not bad, the movie’s not great, and the candy is edible.

Suspect Sought

Tuesday, March 17 – 12:00 a.m.
More later.  Check back soon.  For now, all we have is this:

 

Tuesday, March 17 – 8:43 a.m.
ColuMn has been alerted that the being pictured above has been spotted in your town.  Nicknamed “Baggyman” by the press, no one is quite sure who, or for that matter what, Baggyman is.  Is he a demon?  A wraith?  A witch?  Or just a pathetic guy in a mask made out of a paper bag?  Theories are flying into the ColuMn offices faster than we can sort through them, but when we do, you, the ColuMn reader, will be the first to know.

At this point, police have indicated that if you see Baggyman, you are to dial 911 immediately.  DO NOT APPROACH BAGGYMAN.  He is to be considered armed and incredibly dangerous and muttering something about “. . . your soul.”  Update coming soon.  Stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 17 – 11:30 a.m.
Just received a weird picture of Baggyman.  There is no explanation for this.  Oh, the humanity.  We just received a hot tip about the possible origins of this hellbeast.  After we sort through and confirm its authenticity, we’ll post it here.  Stay tuned, brave warriors.

Tuesday, March 17 – 2:08 p.m.
This piece was shoved under Spark’s doggie door late last night.  While we have been able to verify some of the statements made, there is still no firm evidence as to the true origin or identity of the figure known as “Baggyman.”

In 1947 the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered.  One scroll among the many detailed the life, existence, and death of an entity existing both on Earth and in Hell simultaneously, beholden to neither.  This entity was known by many names, but today he is known as The Baggyman.

The scroll and any mention of its existence have vanished from the face of the Earth, but recent changes at the Vatican have yielded the most information ever available on the wraithlike Baggyman. 

Baggyman’s origins are shrouded in mystery and lies.  In one story, Baggyman was once a human.  Granted the curse of immortality, Baggyman watched everything he loved succumb to the ravages of time.  Unable to end his miserable existence, he turned to evil, killing, raping, abusing, and general douchebaggery.  Growing bored of Earth, he devoted six lifetimes to discovering the entrance to Hell, finally succeeding around the turn of the 19th century.

Today it is believed that Baggyman is watching and waiting, for what nobody knows.  While no murderes have been attributed to Baggyman in over 90 years, some feel that just his presence is enough to drive God-fearing people to murderous insanity.  Recent carnages around the globe have followed purported Baggyman sightings, though Baggyman has never been implicated.

Stay tuned to ColuMn for more updates soon.  This is a huge story and we’re dedicated to bringing it to you, with no thoughts for our own safety.

Tuesday, March 17 – 3:39 p.m.
Another disturbing image has emerged.  Could Baggyman have something to do with the disappearance of Green Beret O’Connor?  

More updates coming soon.

Tuesday, March 17 – 5:08 p.m.
We just received this telegram from one of the far corners of the globe. Chilling stuff, people. Chilling stuff.

Baggyman is in fact an interdimensional traveler whose real body only exists in his own hellish home world. Stop.  He is able to use various brown paper products and adhesive materials as his portals into our world. Stop. His ability to stay in our world rests solely on his ability to enslave the souls of those whom he claims as his host. Stop.

People come across the “Mask” from time to time. Stop. Unsuspecting, they put it on merely as a gag, not knowing they are putting their very souls at risk. Stop. Slowly their own identity slips away and interdimensional possession edges closer and closer. Stop. Maybe there is a world of baggymen. Stop. Depending on who is the host, Baggyman can have different methods. Stop. One of which you are very familiar with. Stop. They all look the same, yet different, because they are the same…yet different. Stop.

Incredible stuff.  I think we’re starting to put together a picture of who exactly this “Baggyman” is.    Another photo just came through in my email.  Wow.  I think ColuMn might just win the Pulitzer with this coverage.  This is going to alter the very fabric of our civilization.  More soon.

Tuesday, March 17 – 6:30
Here’s the picture.  It arrived with no explanation, so all we can do is guess exactly what black magic Baggyman is conjuring.

More soon. 

Tuesday, March 17 – 8:05
Yet another possible origin for the entity known only as Baggyman has emerged in the past hour.  This one points to Baggyman as a completely non-human demonic force — less a living being and more a force of nature.  

Which one of these origins are true, if any?  Or are all of the true?  Or false?  Or is one of them false and two are true?  Or are two true and one is false?  Whatever his origin, it is indisputable that Baggyman IS active in the Northwestern United States.  Footage has surfaced of Baggyman, including dozens of still photos and the damaged remains of at least three videos.  ColuMn has obtained those videos and pictures and we are currently editing them into stupid, uninspired videos.

What is Baggyman?  Who is Baggyman?  Maybe, just maybe, we’re all Baggyman.  And if I am Baggyman, I have just one question for you.  Can you smell the Bag? 

 

 

- TO BE CONTINUED -

*special thanks to The Woodsman for writing one of the descriptions and creating the Baggyman mask.

The Stunt

When I first heard about The Woodsman’s involvement in the dangerous sport known as “Roof Jumping”, I was alarmed.  Not for his safety, but because I wasn’t quite sure how to bet on it.

The Woodsman, known mostly for his technique with shaping wood, is also an accomplished motorcycle stuntman.  His motto is, “If it has two wheels, I’ll fuck it.”  No one is quite sure what that means.

At any rate, I was onhand to capture the magic.  I had hoped to capture a horrific death, but got far less than I bargained for.  

To my amazement, instead of booing him for not dying, the crowd cheered.  Women lifted their shirts.  Or at least that one old lady (who may or may not have been his grandmother) did.  Never one to let the spotlight shine on anyone else, I announced that I would not only replicate that jump, but I would do it in a car.  And hopefully not die.  But maybe.  So they should stick around and watch.

The Woodsman was a little too eager to take over the camera duties, and I thought I heard him mutter, “If he survives, slit his throat,” under his breath.  But I was not to be deterred.  Adrenaline pumping, I thought of how proud Vin Diesel would be if a) he knew I existed, and b) wasn’t a complete douche (I imagine) and revved the engine.  My foot shot off the brake and hit the gas pedal like a two-ton heavy thing.  As the edge of the roof approached and I realized that The Woodsman or his minions had cut the brakes, I pulled an O’Connor and violently shat myself.  But why should I tell you about it when you can watch it for youself (not the shitting — the stunt.  I’m saving the shitting footage for a dvd easter egg):

After I landed and brutally murdered The Woodsman’s henchmen, I thought back on what we’d accomplished.  Drunk, high, and with pants overflowing with feces, we’d successfully completed the most incredible jump in the history of motorsports.  We would be enshrined in the halls of, uh, stuntdom forever, standing alongside Evel Knieval and, um, those other guys.

1317½ Chapter One: Anthem

ACT I, SCENE I:  Introduction
It is a cold, rainy day in early November.  Chris has put the events of 508 behind him and is moving on.  As he loads the last of his possessions into the beat up, faded Opel Manta, he glances over his shoulder, bidding farewell to 508.

ACT I, SCENE II:  A New Beginning
The two story house isn’t the greatest feat of architecture on the block.  In fact, it’s dilapidated and worn.  Chris glances up to the second floor where he will be living.  The curtain-less windows offer him a view of his new roommates, Cami and Deanna.

ACT I, SCENE III:  Strange Encounter
Chris grabs his things from his trunk and climbs the      three stairs to the enclosed entry that the upper floor tenants share with the ground level tenants.  Chris rings the doorbell and waits to be admitted.  He notices a strangely deformed man staring at him from behind the ground level apartment door.

ACT I, SCENE IV:  A Change Of Reality
Without warning, Chris sees the strange man transform in front of his eyes into the Psycho Killer.  Chris shuts his eyes tightly, concentrating on grasping reality.  He is pulled back by the sound of a door opening.  He opens his eyes.  Cami is standing before him.  The deformed man is gone.

ACT II, SCENE I:  Cami
Chris smiles, ignoring the look of alarm on Cami’s face.   She gives him an uncertain smile and leads him upstairs.

ACT II, SCENE II:  Deanna
Cami opens the door at the top of a flight of stairs and Chris crosses the threshold to find his other roommate, Deanna.  She too welcomes Chris with a smile.

 ACT II, SCENE III:  ANTHEM
Greetings are exchanged and Chris goes to his room to unpack.  Once there, he breaks down, shuddering with   anxiety.  He hasn’t touched any drugs since the final battle with the Psycho Killer, yet still the visions come.  He can’t shake the feeling that somehow he’s being induced back into the Psycho Killer’s nightmare.

ACT II, SCENE IV:  Settled
Chris emerges from his room and sits on the makeshift sofa.  He has been staying at 1317 ½ since May, but this is his first night as a full-fledged roommate.  He settles in to watch a thrilling episode of Hunter.

ACT III, SCENE I:  Parting Shot
The focus shifts from the domestic scene of the upper floor to a scene of horror on the ground floor.  The deformed man is writhing in convulsions, crashing into furniture, walls, glass.  Finally there is calm and the man raises his head.  The deformed man is no longer himself.  His features are unmistakably those of the Psycho Killer.

 

12/31/99