The O’Connor Chronicles Episode Four: Olde World Christmas

Thanksgiving

There is a lot to be said for Thanksgiving. It has consistently been one of my favorite holidays, carrying over from childhood to adulthood. As a lad my family would rent a cabin up on Mt. Baker where my immediate family would gather with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. It was always a lot of fun. Back then, even the hour or so drive to the cabin, known as The Logs, from Bellingham was an exotic getaway, so different from life as I normally knew it. Maybe it was the snow that would inevitably fall each year or maybe it was just that abstract notion of being basically locked in a cabin in the wilderness with 10 or more other people. Even as my brother and sister and I made our transitions from children to teenagers, we still loved going to The Logs. Of course, all things eventually end and as we became more scattered and people starting popping out kids of their own, the tradition died. The last time the family went to The Logs was when I was living in Chicago, so I missed out on that, though I don’t really consider it missing out. I’m sure it was fun, but I always sort of thought of it as a futile attempt to capture some of that magic from the past. I don’t know. Maybe they succeeded. I’ve never asked.

The first time I spent Thanksgiving away from the family was in 1994, the year I moved to Charleston, IL with The Instigator. We got off to a rough start. I’m sure I’ll get into the whole Charleston saga at some point in this blog, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Corbin and Teabag flew out to spend Thanksgiving with us. I remember being really nervous about their visit. I mean, we had nothing. We’d moved out with whatever fit in my Subaru Justy, which was pretty much a shot glass and a deck of miniature playing cards. So we knew they were going to be disappointed when they got there. And we didn’t want them going to back to Bellingham with tales of how horrible Charleston was. I mean, we’d moved there completely blind (this was before the internet, or right on the cusp, anyway). We had no idea it would be so, uh, quaint. So at that particular moment in time, we pretty much knew it would be somewhat awkward, but counted on alcohol to smooth over the rough edges.

The long of the short of it or whatever is that sensing that we were on the road to a fairly simple Thanksgiving around the card table, Corbin came up with the plan for the four of us to go to her parents’ house in the suburbs of Cincinatti. We were up for it, especially with the promise of all we could drink.

It was a really fun Thanksgiving. We ended up making tacos. And I got bitched out for fixing the stereo and for Teabag making horrible tasting drinks. (I don’t know if I’ve ever escaped the stigma of being the “crazy guy”.  But come on.  I just fixed the stereo.  It wasn’t like I invited a donkey show into the living room.  Come on.  We kept that shit in the garage.)  But it was fun.

I think there are two reasons we eat the exact same meal every Thanksgiving. First, and most important, the shit is good. Come on! Who doesn’t love Thanksgiving food? Pity the poor veg head. And second, I think by eating the same food year after year we’re forced to focus our memories on the people that are there. You can’t say, “Remember that Thanksgiving that we had turkey?”, but you can say, “Remember that Thanksgiving where Teabag ate so much he shat himself?”

So I guess what I’m trying to say, which is the perfect thing to say when you’re at the Thanksgiving table and everyone is going around saying what they’re thankful for, is that I’m thankful for Thanksgiving.

ColuMn Face-Off: The Instigator’s Pumpkin Egg Nog vs. Mountain Farms’ Pumpkin Egg Nog

Thanksgiving is a natural bridge between Halloween and Christmas.  This year Thanksgiving falls exactly halfway between the two.  And, sure.  Thanksgiving has a lot of its own iconic imagery.  Turkey, pilgrims, weird colored corn, potatoes, stuffing.  But most of that is food-related.  It IS an eating holiday, after all.  It’s the one day a year when you are encouraged to overeat to pants-pooping levels.

That’s a roundabout way to say that I have no idea what holiday Mountain Dairy’s Pumpkin Egg Nog is meant to celebrate.  The label is orange, clearly saying, “Hey, look!  A delicious Halloween-themed  beverage!”  But then, smack dab in the center of the label is a red and green Christmas wreath, saying, “Have a sip!  It’s not too early to start cashing in on celebrating Christmas!

I have had pumpkin egg nog before.  At the official Association™ Halloween parties, The Instigator used to make it INSIDE an actual pumpkin.  Two major differences off the top:  The Instigator’s was a little pulpy from the pumpkin.  That sounds grosser than it is.  It wasn’t swimming in pulp.  But it did have a little.  And, really, it added to the flavor.  The second difference is that The Instigator’s had almost lethal amounts of rum.  Mountain Dairy has already lost this, you guessed it . . .

. . . ColuMn FACE-OFF™!!!

Where the flavor of the pumpkin was apparent in The Instigator’s batch, it is very, very subtle at Mountain Farms.  I detected almost no pumpkin taste, though there was a spice taste, backed up by a quick look at the label, where it clearly states that the final ingredient is “spice”.

It is very good though.  Not as rich as I might have guessed.  It’s like very good egg nog with a slight pumpkinny aftertaste.  That sticks with you for a while.  Not in an unpleasant way, but in an “alright maybe I’m starting to get a little sick of that taste in my mouth” kind of way.

I think The Instigator’s is clearly the superior Pumpkin Egg Nog.  But if you can’t get a hold of a batch, then you really can’t go wrong with Mountain Farms’ version.  If you like egg nog, I see no reason why you wouldn’t like this.

Also, I tested this on November 11, so I just squeezed it in there.  But even at that late date, it still tasted great.  That should be their slogan.  It rhymes.

ColuMn FACTS!
Serving Size:  1/2 Cup
Calories:  170
Calories from Fat:  80 (including 5g of saturated fat)
Total fat: 9g
Cholesterol: 65 mg
Sodium:  75 mp
Carbs:  19g
Sugar:  18g
Protein: 4g
Fun Fact:  Contains no pumpkin!

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McRib

 

I’ve got a confession to make.  I’ve never had a McRib.  I’m not sure why.  I like ribs.  I like McDonald’s.  You figure I would have given the thing a try by now.  I guess it doesn’t help that it’s a “limited edition” sandwich.  But when I saw the commercials announcing the return of the much-loved sandwich, I knew that I would have one in my mouth very soon.  Today was that day.

I’d like to report that the McRib is every bit as good as the hype says it is.  I’d like to say that it changed my life and I’m now devoting it to eating so many McRibs that I die of McRib-related complications.  Sadly, I cannot do that.

McGooey

Is the McRib bad?  No.  Not really.  The bun is a good, typical McDonald’s bun (only longer).  The sauce is good enough, though extremely mild.  The onions are adequate.  The problem is the pork patty itself.  Yeah, it’s cool that it’s shaped like actually boned ribs (that sounds like some sort of horrifying porn title).  And it’s not that it’s bad meat (another possible, maybe even more horrifying, porn title).  The problem is that it is completely tasteless.  Since the barbecue sauce is just sort of poured on, it doesn’t have time to be absorbed by the pork.  It’s completely relying on a equal sauce-to-patty ratio in your mouth, which just doesn’t happen.  

McShitty

In conclusion, it’s good.  It’s not McShitty.  I just thought that was a funny caption.  It sort of looks like diarrhea.  If you haven’t tried one, it’s probably worth it if you’re at a McDonald’s.  It’s a fairly good deal for $2.79 ($4.79 for the meal).  It’s a nice change of pace from the typical hamburger.  I guess I shouldn’t complain since a barbecue pork sandwich is pretty rare in the fast food biz.  I can’t say I’m lovin’ it, but I’m not hatin’ it either.  I’m sort of ambivalentin’ it.

ColuMn Facts (courtesy of McDonald’s)

 

ColuMn Rating:  ★★1/2

Good job, America!

 

If the future’s looking dark
We’re the ones who have to shine
If there’s no one in control
We’re the ones who draw the line
Though we live in trying times
We’re the ones who have to try
Though we know that time has wings
We’re the ones who have to fly…

 

Rush – “Everyday Glory”
Counterparts, 1993

508 Chapter Nine: Spring Flowers

ACT I, SCENE I:  Introduction
Outside.  Dawn is breaking on another sweltering July day.  Everybody’s car is accounted for outside.  Two police squad cars pull away as the front door to 508 E. Myrtle Street closes.  A figure watches from Scott’s window.

ACT I, SCENE II:  Division
Outside.  On the roof Scott, Chris and Jason hold a private conversation.  They discuss their lack of trust in Tom, Greg and Arps.  They decide that one way or another they have to find out what really happened the previous night at the party.

ACT I, SCENE III:  Memories
Inside.  Arps, alone in his room, flashes back to the previous night.  The Psycho Killer is sitting on the bathroom floor with drugs scattered all around him.  Startled, he looks up at Arps and, in a blinding flash, disappears, reappearing instantaneously directly behind Arps, his blood clotted butcher knife poised at Arps’ left kidney.

ACT I, SCENE IV:  The Hot Knife
In the kitchen, Scott, Jason and Chris join Greg and Tom for a rousing round of knife hits.  They eye each other suspiciously as each receives a hit.

ACT II, SCENE I:  SPRING FLOWERS
Flashback continues.  The Psycho Killer twists his blade and Arps writhes in agony.  Suddenly, Arps is alone.  He slowly turns around to see his friends frozen in the hall, the Psycho Killer creeping up on them, knife raised.

ACT II, SCENE II:  Investigation
Living Room.  Chris, Jason and Scott decide that the best place to begin their search for answers is the basement.  In a flash they are there.  To their surprise, no bodies are found, but the Psycho Killer’s shrine is, caked in blood.

ACT II, SCENE III:  Mind Games
Flashback continues.  Arps dives to tackle the Psycho Killer, but with a flick of the Psycho Killer’s wrist, Arps freezes in mid air, inches from his target.  Arps peers into Greg’s room to see what has transfixed his friends and is shocked to see their doubles sprawled on the floor of Greg’s room.

ACT II, SCENE IV:  Pick A Number
Basement.  Jason kneels for a closer look at the shrine as Chris and Scott investigate the rest of the basement.  Jason sees a dozen joints and reaches for one.  Chris and Scott complete their investigation and turn back to the shrine, but Jason is gone.

ACT III, SCENE I:  Insane?
Flashback continues.  Scott begins to come out of his daze and sees the Psycho Killer about to strike Greg down.  He shouts a warning, unfreezing the scene.  Arps continues his diving tackle, taking the Psycho Killer down.

ACT III, SCENE II:  Another Mystery
Living Room.  Greg and Tom sit on the sofa watching The Young And The Restless and eating Spaghetti-O’s when Chris and Scott bust in through the front door.  Immediately Greg disappears in front of their eyes, followed by various objects at rapidly increasing rates.  Tom disappears.

ACT III, SCENE III:  Coming Down
Flashback ends.  The Psycho Killer disappears leaving only his knife behind.  Arps leaps to his feet to find his friends back to normal, with no signs of their duplicates in Greg’s room.  Arps emerges from his flashback, only to disappear into thin air.

ACT III, SCENE IV:  Parting Shot
Chris and Scott face each other in terror.  An instant later, Chris too is gone.  The house disappears.  In moments, Scott is standing in a gaping abyss.  As the truth begins to dawn on him, he also blinks out of existence.  All that remains is empty, desolate blackness.

April 28, 1998
Chicago, IL