The O’Connor Chronicles Episode Two: The Lesson

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Nilla Cakesters: Strawberry Creme

Nabisco keeps rolling out new varieties of their “Cakester” brand.  And the surprising thing is, they just keep getting better and better.

I was on a mixer run with The Instigator when I spotted them.  It was too late to make a purchase, but I knew I’d be back soon.  The brilliant red caught my eye and I quickly read the box.  And then read it again.  My eyes weren’t deceiving me.  There were now Nilla Cakesters with red filling.  It was such a fleeting glimpse, like two lovers at a Rush show, trying to focus on each other through the thick fog of dope smoke.  I couldn’t tell if Nabisco had just added some red food coloring or if they were a different flavor.  Obviously, from the title of this post, they were a different flavor.

But would they be as good?  One of the things that I really liked about the original Nilla Cakesters was the fact that they really did taste like Nilla Wafers.  Unless I missed some major shit, Nabisco had never put out Strawberry Nilla Wafers.  This was something new.  Something . . . beautiful.

Mouth watering.

They are exactly what you would think they are.  The Nilla Cakester cakes with strawberry-flavored filling instead of vanilla.  While the vanilla-filled cakes really do taste exactly like Nilla Wafers, the strawberry filling makes this version taste like a mini-Strawberry Shortcake.  Mmmm.  This is great.

Proof of God?

In closing, I don’t like you if you don’t love these.  I don’t want to know that there are people capable of such things in this world.

ColuMn Facts
Serving Size:  2 cakes
Calories:  220
Total Fat:  10g
Sodium:  135 mg
Fun fact:  Contains Red 40 Lake!

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★★

Friday the 13th Trailer Review

I’ll be the first to admit that the Friday the 13th film series is a pretty shoddy franchise. Yeah, I love the movies like 14 year old girls love Titanic, but unlike those 14 year old girls, I recognize that these movies aren’t high art. They exist for one reason one: to show creative, gruesome deaths. And in that sense, they achieve their goal with flying colors.

So it’s not like I took the news of a Friday the 13th “re-imagining” as blasphemous–something that would ruin the integrity of the original films. Even with Michael Bay masterminding the whole affair, I’m more than willing to give it a shot. It can’t be any worse than Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning. Right?

I’ve been following the development and production of the new Friday the 13th on the internet and was excited to see the bootleg clip of the trailer shown at the recent San Diego Comic-Con. Overall, I thought the trailer was really, really good. You’ve got it all there. Nubile young potential victims, a hulking killer in a hockey mask, a severed head, some impaling, and, of course, ki-ki-ki ha-ha-ha.

You can find the trailer online if you do a quick search. It’s not exactly easy to find, but it’s not impossible. I was able to find it with minimal effort. I’m not going to post the entire trailer here, but I do have this short clip that I want to talk about. Sorry for the quality.

((UPDATE!! THE TRAILER IS ONLINE! – 10/22/08)

So, in case you couldn’t make it out, that’s Jason Voorhees running after a victim that’s on the ground, trying to back away as Jason raises his machete for the killing blow. I’ve heard some fans say this is terrible: Jason doesn’t run. But isn’t that one of the problems with the F13 films? It’s so stupid that Jason lumbers along at a snail’s pace as his victim sprints ball-out, but Jason somehow keeps pace. Stupid. People forget, I think, that Jason was pretty quick in Friday the 13th Part 2 and, to a lesser extent, Friday the 13th Part 3-D and Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter. It wasn’t until Jason became a zombie in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives that he started moving like he was trying to run through a swimming pool filled with Jell-o.

I think this looks great. And, like I said, I LOVE the original film series (yes, I even like the aforementioned Part V. Hell, I even have a soft spot in my heart for Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.

Really looking forward to this. The trailer looks incredibly promising. Here’s hoping for many, many more years of Jason’s wacky exploits.

People have had a problem with the above promotional image too. Yeah. It looks sort of weird. But I’d still hate to run across that guy in the woods.

The Colorado Kid by Stephen King

Like more than a few people, I’d imagine, The Colorado Kid was my introduction to the Hard Case Crime series. It’s not that I have to read every book by Stephen King. A lot of times King’s writing bothers me. There’s almost always a lot of padding in his storiees and his characters often read like, well, characters in a Stephen King book. But it was a brilliant stroke by the editors of Hard Case Crime to have King write a relatively short crime story especially for the imprint. Thanks to the name Stephen King, Tower Records had the book on display at the checkout counter. The name Stephen King didn’t sell me, but the Hard Case Crime yellow ribbon and cover art did the task. And I was, frankly, curious. Would a leaner (164 pages), meaner King make for better reading? There’s no doubt that King is prolific, imaginative, and a decent storyteller. Once you stripped away the puff and tangents, he could tell good stories.

The Colorado Kid is told by two ancient reporters to their young, attractive protege. A big city newspaperman comes to Moose-Lookit island off the coast of (of course) Maine looking for stories of the unexplained — real life unsolved mysteries. The two oldsters send him packing with no real story, but Stephanie McCann can tell by looking at Vince Teague and Dave Bowie (!) that they’re holding back. She convinces thm to tell her their tale — a tale which, they insist, isn’t really a story and has no easy answers.

The tale itself is about a normal everyday husband and father from Colorado that turns up dead on the island. Nobody knows who he is, how he got there, or why he’s dead. Before the book is over we’ll have some of our questions answered and others, well, just like the oldsters warned, this story has no resolution.

This is probably more a hundred and fourty page story at best. The type is larger than the other Hard Case Crime novels I’ve read and it’s by far the shortest. But you can forgive that. There is padding and the usual King tangents that more serve the author’s idea of characterization than the story, but I still lliked it.

The real point of this story isn’t whodunnit. The dead man is a device the main idea of the story is built around. We experience the story from Stephanie’s viewpoint (though the story is told from a third person perspective). We learn things as she does from King speaking through the old men. But King’s not talking about the murder or the story. He’s musing out loud about his theories of plot and narrative. He tells us flat out that it isn’t really a story — there’s no nice tied-up ending. What we get is a story that is unique in that it doesn’t all get neatly resolved, almost relishing the flouting of convention.

Aside from that, it’s an entertaining read and it does have a surprisingly satisfying conclusion. It’s very much a Stephen King book (down to an Author’s Note at the end) and not strictly a Hard Case Crime novel. It’s “hard case” in a different way. But hats off to King for telling a different kind of story.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★

508 Chapter Six: Marathon

ACT I, SCENE I: Introduction
Outside. It is again a warm day in July. Everyone’s car is parked outside the house. All is quiet and nothing stirs.

ACT I, SCENE II: Behind Closed Doors
Inside – Basement. Tom, Greg and Arps whirl around to see the door slam shut behind them. Greg lights his Zippo as they all inspect the door. It’s locked.

ACT I, SCENE III: Clues
As Arps bangs frantically on the door, Tom and Greg look around. Tom calls over to Greg and they both kneel to inspect the pool of blood on the floor.

ACT I, SCENE IV: The Hot Knife
Greg gets up and continues to look. In a dark corner he sees a satanic shrine built around some portable knife hitting equipment. Tom joins him as Arps ceases pounding on the door to look at his friends curiously.

ACT II, SCENE I: The Killer Strikes
Upstairs – Scott’s Room. As Chris and Jason hover over Scott’s unconscious body, the Psycho Killer lunges, stabbing Jason in the arm. Chris and Jason turn to face him and scream in terror.

ACT II, SCENE II: MARATHON
Chris kicks the Psycho Killer in the balls. The Psycho Killer crumples to the floor. Chris and Jason grab Scott and help him out of the room.

ACT II, SCENE III: Cause And Effect
Split screen. The Psycho Killer disappears at the same time that the basement door unlocks and swings open.

ACT II, SCENE IV: Joint Discussion
Living Room. Jason’s patched up and Scott is conscious. Passing a joint, the gang gets in a heated debate, but soon forget what they’re talking about. Scott suggests that they have a party. Everyone agrees except for Arps, who appears to be angry.

ACT III, SCENE I: Vision
In Scott’s mind he sees the Psycho Killer approach him and stands hovering over him, smiling insanely. Scott suddenly opens his eyes to find Arps hovering over him, smiling insanely.

ACT III, SCENE II: Party Favors
Jason interrupts everybody by producing a sheet of acid for the party. Everybody cheers except Arps.

ACT III, SCENE III: Parting Shot
Split screen. The Psycho Killer pours Jason’s blood over the shrine, smiling as guests arrive at the party.

January 13, 1995
Charleston, IL