Nilla Cakesters

Nilla Wafers aren’t usually a cookie that you get a craving for. They’re more the type of cookie that you buy on impulse. You’re strolling down the cookie aisle at the grocery store and spot them. If you just put a half gallon of ice cream in your cart, you’re even more apt to almost robotically toss a box in with the almost subconscious plan to mix a little ice cream cone flavor into your ice cream.

When I first spotted the Oreo Cakesters, I was sold immediately. A giant Oreo-flavored cake? I’m there. But that was nothing compared to my reaction upon spotting Nilla Cakesters. I had no prior knowledge such a thing existed. At first I didn’t believe my eyes. I almost walked past, but a force from beyond forced my head to swivel until it met the seductive lure of the Nilla Cakester box head on.

With high expectations, I rushed home from the store and ripped open the box. Inside contained a treasure greater any pirate had ever seen. Six wrapped packages of two Nilla Cakesters. 12 Nilla Cakesters. Could I resist the urge to eat them all Cookie Monster-style, wasting at least half of them as they crumbled carelessly down my shirt? No. I must exercise restraint. Even in the face of pure bliss.

The first Cakester I pulled from its protective foil cocoon I decided to just chow on. I ate it in two bites, figuring my natural tendency to gobble it up in one bite wouldn’t really be a fair taste test. You can thank me for my sacrifices.

In a word? Delicious. Better than I expected. So soft and moist. So creamy. These things could be very dangerous. I could easily see the national waistline increasing by about six inches after a month of a solid Nilla Cakester diet. We would all die very happy, though.

Noticing the uncanny way that the cake actually tasted exactly like a Nilla Wafer, I decided to try something that outsiders might consider sheer insanity. I twisted the Cakester apart, leaving one side with all the cream filling and the other one bare. I ate the cream filling side first. I have a pretty big sweet tooth, but just biting into the think layer of frosting/cream, I felt myself entering into diabetic shock. Luckily, I still had half a Cakester left.

Close your eyes. You open a box of Nilla Wafers. The sweet vanilla aroma wafts up, tantalizing your sense of smell. You reach into the box and pull out the biggest Nilla Wafer you’ve ever felt. You raise it to your mouth and sink your teeth in. Instead of the solid soft crunch of your usual Wafer, your teeth melt into soft, fluffy cake, but the taste is the exact same. Welcome to Nillavana.

So I highly, highly recommend giving Nilla Cakesters a shot. You might end up a few pounds heavier, but you definitely won’t be sorry.

 

As a side note, in researching this article (haha) I ran across the following image. I’m definitely stealing this idea, but not the photo. Check it out.

The greatest idea in the history of human achievement.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★

Sparks’ Sandbox #1

So BlackJack has deigned to give me my own page on the website. I struggled for hours trying to decide what I should do. A list of my favorite Ingmar Bergman films? Perhaps my favorite wine vintages or Surrealist painters. Those would all be fascinating topics, I’m sure you can agree. Or maybe, I thought to myself, I should devote the space to an advice column. Who wouldn’t want advice from a highly advanced artificial intelligence? Or perhaps I should just post hardcore bukkake videos. All great ideas. Sometimes it truly is a curse to be so gifted.

In the end, I thought the best use of this space was for you to get to know me a little bit more. What makes Sparks tick? So without further ado, welcome to Sparks’ picture of the week.

This was sent in by little Timmy Phillips. Thanks, Timmy!

Snickers Adventure Bar

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is probably the movie I’m most eagerly anticipated in 2008. I know there are a lot of people probably expecting the worst, given the Star Wars prequels, but I’m one of the few that actually enjoyed the prequels. I mean, yeah. Phantom Menace wasn’t exactly great, but it still had some good parts. And Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith were really good. So what do you want?

The Snickers Adventure Bar is the first official food-related tie-in to the new Indy movie. Of course, I had to get it. The front of the wrapper advertises a “New Flavor Kick!” So far so good. One weird thing is that nowhere on the wrapper do the words “Crystal Skulls” appear. Above the image of Indy, circa 1984, are the words “Adventures Of Indiana Jones.” in the Indy font.

Flip the bar over and you get a couple of nice surprises. there are “Indiana Jones Arti-FACTs” (mine was #6 of 8 possible FACTs). Here’s mine:

Last Crusade was an Academy Award in 1989 for Best Sound Effects Editing.

Each year SNICKERS Brand “wins” for best sound effects, too, with 28 crunchy peanuts packed into each bar!

You know, I was going to make fun of the SNICKERS fun fact, but that’s actually pretty cool and impressive, so I’m just going to divert your attention to the left side of the wrapper, where we discover clues as to what the aforementioned “New Flavor Kick!” might be.

“Satisfy your taste for adventure! Rich chocolate. Crunchy nuts. And a cliffhanger kick of exotic spice and a hint of sweet coconut flavor.”

Okay. Now I have a better idea of what I’m getting into here. I guess I should get a couple of my biases out of the way. I love Indiana Jones movies. I love Snickers bars (easily in my top three candy bars). I’m a little wary of spiced chocolate bars. And coconut is kind of hit and miss for me. That said, it is now time to open up the wrapper and see what we’ve got here.

It’s all pretty much exactly like you think it would be. There’s definitely that familiar Snickers taste. And there is a subtle hint of spice. But the coconut is definitely the eye-opener. I’m not sure if it’s all my imagination, but the texture of the bar changes slightly, so it’s like there is actual coconut in the bar. I can find no visual evidence of that, however. It does taste richer than a regular Snickers.

All in all, it’s like a lot of these movie tie-ins. It’s fun, but it’s not going to replace the original Snickers anytime soon. While it’s good for a one-time snack, I hope Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a lot better.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★½

The Girl With The Long Green Heart by Lawrence Block

Lawrence Block is back with his second Hard Case Crime novel, and holy shit — it’s a masterpiece. A pair of con men, Doug Rance and Johnny Hayden (our narrator), put together the perfect long con with the perfect inside girl, Evelyn Stone, our title character. The con is elaborately built up. Just when things are going great, they fall to pieces. And then things turn to complete shit.

I don’t want to give too much away because this book’s a true pleasure to read from start to finish. This is going to be a short review, but don’t let that fool you into thinking there’s nothing to say about this book. Block likes to wallow the reader in the seemier side of life and he’s damn good at what he does. This book could easily stand up to a second reading to pick up on nuances and clues you probably missed the first time around.

A common trait in Block’s narrators is their humanity. They may be scoundrels and crooks, but they’ve got dreams too. Underneath the gruff exterior is a real desire to live the American Dream. But because of who they are, you know before they do that it can never be possible. The characters are so well drawn and likable you find yourself rooting for them in spite of yourself. You want the innocent dupe to get fleeced. Except, of course, in Block’s world there’s no such thing as innocent.

This is what a crime thriller should aspire to be. I knew after The Colorado Kid that I’d be picking up the rest of the Hard Case Crime novels, but after reading The Girl With The Long Green Heart, I immediately ordered the first three books in the series (this was actually the second Hard Case Crime novel that I read). It will be a tall order for any of the rest of the books to equal or exceed this one.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★★★

Mister B. Gone by Clive Barker

 

I’ve been a big fan of Clive Barker for many, many years. I think I might be one of the only people alive that actually looks forward to the latest Hellraiser direct-to-dvd thriller (they’re hit and miss, but generally entertaining). So I approached this review with a fair share of bias, as well as very high expectations.

The physical book itself is a part of the story. The dust jacket is designed to look old and worn, with the edges singed. The paper that the book is printed on is brownish yellow and old looking. There is no copyright page in the front of the book. It just starts right in. The presentation is very much that of an old diary. (All of the copyright information and dedication, etc. are in the back of the book.)

“Burn this book,” are the first words we read. The first words spoken to us by Mr. B. Gone, a demon from the lower levels of Hell. Over the course of the book he tells us his story, from his life in Hell to how he ended up in the surface world, to his eventual entrapment within the confines of the book itself. All the while, the reader is entreated to destroy the book and give the demon a merciful death. As the novel progresses, the pleas become demands before descending into threats. This proved to be more effective than I anticipated, keeping me glancing over my shoulder for a demon primed to slit my throat.

The story builds to a climax centered on the invention of the printing press. Barker fantasizes that the creation of the press was a pivotal moment in the war between heaven and hell, where powerful words and ideas were argued over like a nasty divorce couple.

I really enjoyed the first 3/4 of the novel. I just love the way Barker writes. It’s very compelling and I found myself turning the pages and burning through the book (not literally). And I enjoyed the ending for what it was, I just wasn’t that satisfied with what it was. I found the inclusion of the printing press plot to be superfluous and I thought there were a few different directions Barker could have taken the story to really deliver a whollop of an ending.

Overall, I highly recommend Mister B. Gone for Clive Barker and horror fans. And pretty much anybody that enjoys really entertaining writing. But if you’re going to read a Clive Barker book for the first time, try Weaveworld or The Great And Secret Show.

ColuMn Rating:  ★★★½

Untitled

It was foggy out and the rod was an extension of my mitt. The collar of my trench coat was turned up over my ears and I pulled my hat low over my eyes. I walked silently up the stairs until I reached the door to the beach house. In a few minutes I’d have my answer.

I thought back to how it all began. The O’Grady dame walked into my office that Tuesday. It had been raining out and she was soaked. Even drenched I could tell the dame was extremely good looking. The office lights shined off of her wet blond hair and I could barely keep my voice steady.

“What can I do for you, babe?” I asked.

“Oh, Mr. Blast. I don’t know what to do. The police can’t help me and you’re my last chance and –“

“Slow down. Take it from the top.”

“My husband, Harry O’Grady, is missing,” she sobbed.

“New York’s a big den. There are a lot of joints to get lost in, babe,” I said.

She started crying and I managed to calm her down. She gave me everything she knew, which wasn’t much, and I sent her home. Then I went to work.”

I covered a lot of ground, but I wasn’t getting any closer to the end. Then my lucky break came. Someone had spotted the old man after his reported disappearance. I finally knew the answer.

I turned the handle and entered the darkened house quietly. I heard the loud click of the hammer and turned to see the culprit.

“Mrs. O’Grady. How are you?” I asked with my teeth gritted.

“Mr. Blast, you got a lot further than I intended. After another week, I’d have fired you and we’d all be happy.”

“You couldn’t run off with your new boyfriend. He didn’t have the money to support your way of life. So you came up with this little plan. Kill off the old rich man, sell everything and move quietly away,” I said.

“So now I have to kill you, Mr. Blast,” she said, her finger slowly depressing the trigger.

I knew I only had seconds until I was a corpse. I had to think fast. I kicked over the light that dimly lit the room and dove for the cover of the sofa close by.

Now she couldn’t see me, but I couldn’t see her either. I located my rod that I had dropped upon entering and waited.

I heard footsteps approaching. Six feet away. Two feet. Then I saw them standing too close for comfort. I looked up and found myself looking into the barrel of her gun.

Slowly, I secretly brought my gun around to face her. She pulled the hammer back and placed both hands on the butt with both index fingers on the trigger.

The explosion was deafening. In a matter of seconds I saw the expression on her face totally change. One minute she was grinning broadly. The next minute, the grin was wiped off, along with the rest of her face.

– THE END –

508 Chapter Two: Xanadu

ACT I, SCENE I: Introduction
Outside. It is warm. Around mid-July. A car pulls up to a stop in front of the house and a figure steps out. With his last remaining strength, the figure climbs the stairs and clutches the knob.

ACT I, SCENE II: Scott’s Condition
Inside. Upstairs, Chris, Greg and Tom are sitting by Scott’s bedside. Tubes are sticking out of him. His buds are crying.

ACT I, SCENE III: The Cure
Jason bursts in on the scene and holds out a baggy of the finest bud in the west. Each person examines the bud and it is held under Scott’s nose for his inspection.

ACT I, SCENE IV: The Hot Knife
Kitchen. Everyone takes five knife hits in quick succession. Each grabs a beer and they march up the stairs, portable knife hitting equipment in hand.

ACT II, SCENE I: Operation
Scott’s Room. Tom lights the torch, Jason holds the apparatus up to Scott’s lips. Greg rolls the bud and sets it on the plateau. Chris holds the knives and delivers the bud.

ACT II, SCENE II: XANADU
In Scott’s mind, the bud explodes into a vision of the Psycho Killer after him. He sees his friends lying dead on the floor of Greg’s room and sees a castle in the distance.

ACT II, SCENE III: The Castle
Scott runs to the castle with the Psycho Killer hot on his trail. When he reaches the castle, he sees that it is 508 and enters.

ACT II, SCENE IV: Encounter
Scott rushes up the stairs as the Psycho Killer enters the house. He bursts into his room to encounter his friends delivering a knife hit to his unconscious body.

ACT III, SCENE I: Awakening
Scott awakens as the Psycho Killer breaks in the door. The vision disappears and Scott joins his friends in a round of knife hits.

ACT III, SCENE II: Parting Shot
The camera pulls away and shows the empty house room by room. The camera enters the basement and rushes up to meet . . . the Psycho Killer’s face!

July, 1991
Bellingham, WA

Haute Tension vs. Intensity

I’m sure I’ve mentioned Haute Tension before. It’s one of the greatest slasher movies I’ve ever seen. If not for a highly questionable ending, it might just be the most perfect horror film ever. It’s a French slasher that tells the tale of a girl who goes home for the holidays with her friend only to witness the massacre of the girl’s entire family. The girl is kidnapped by the killer and Marie (the heroine) spends the rest of the movie trying to find someway to release her friend and not get caught and killed by the sick bastard. This little summary does the movie absolutely NO justice, because the way it is pulled off is suspenseful, frightening, and relentless.

I’d read online about the similarities to Dean Koontz’s book Intensity. I’ve never been a fan of Koontz’s and to be completely honest, I’ve never read even one of his books. But this weekend I was flipping through the free movies on my On Demand service and saw a tv movie version of Intensity. So I rented it.

The movie itself was a run of the mill thriller. Incredibly stupid at times, and sort of almost suspenseful at others. Not very good. The acting was wooden, the writing was horrible, and the directing was heavy handed. But I’ve got to say, the first half of the movie is . . . exactly like Haute Tension. Not as well done, granted. Where Haute TensionIntensity left you with a bland, “who cares?” sort of feeling. But the basic plotline was all there, plain as day. left you with an ache in the pit of your gut,

The girl invites her friend to spend the weekend with her. There’s a hint of lesbianism there. The family is massacred. The friend is taken prisoner by the killer. The main girl goes undiscovered and hides in the killer’s vehicle. The killer stops at a gas station and massacres everyone as the girl hides in the back of the store. It is absolutely crazy how identical the set up is. Of course, from there, Haute Tension goes off on it’s regretable tangent. Intensity fairs no better, with a second half that is laughable and aggravating all at the same time. Two entirely different endings to the exact same set up.

Were the makers of Haute Tension influenced by Koontz’s book. If you’ve seen both movies, there can be only one answer. I’ve searched the internet for any information on a lawsuit from Koontz, but I can’t find anything. As much as I love Haute Tension, it’s definitely appears to have plagarized the first half of Koontz’s book.

Check it out for yourself. If nothing else, it’s a great study on what different directors and writers can do with the same source material.

One More Brand New Day

 

Excuse me while I geek out here for a minute.

I’m sure very few of the hypothetical “you” have heard about the big changes that have gone down recently in The Amazing Spider-man. It’s been discussed all over comic book forums, so do a quick search on Newsarama or Comicbook Resources and read up if you’re interested. The short story is that Peter and MJ are no longer married. In an arc called “One More Day”, They made a deal with one of Marvel’s devil characters, Mephisto, to undo the marriage to save Aunt May, who’d been shot. Yeah. It makes no sense. That’s the point. It completely changed continuity. Nobody remembers Spidey’s secret identity, which was revealed to much fanfare in last year’s Civil War “event”. Harry is back alive and well. Pete and MJ aren’t divorced, but they’re not married either. It’s a mess. I stopped reading Spidey a few years ago when they had a big reveal that Gwen Stacy had boned Norman Osborne back in the day and gave birth to secret twins who come back years later to torment Pete/Spidey. It was insanely stupid. I had to drop the book. So I have no investment in the character of Spider-man any more. This story has absolutely no effect on me.

That said, I think it sucks. It just reinforces in the mainstream mind that comics are kiddie fair where a character can’t get a divorce (like it’s 1950’s Ohio or something and the stigma would just be too much, thereby implying that Marvel thinks divorce is a taboo subject), but they can end their marriage (which none but God should tear apart, right?) by making a deal with the devil. Idiotic.

Assuming that you wanted to get to the point they’re now at with the start of the arc “Brand New Day”, I a way that would have been a lot better and not nearly as stupid.

1. The flash forward. At the end of one issue, Peter goes to bed with his life in tact. Everything is as it was before the events of “One More Day”. At the start of the very next issue, he wakes up and everything is different. It’s a year later and Pete’s life is a mess. MJ’s gone. Aunt May is alive, but sickly, having never quite recovered from her wounds. And most surprisingly of all, Harry is back. And not only that, but apparently nobody knows that he’s Spider-man. Just what the hell happened here? Over the course of the next however many issues, Pete tries to piece everything together. He tracks down MJ to find out what happened to them as a couple. She tells him that he lost his powers. He doesn’t remember that? He lost his powers one night and got the shit beat out of him by Doc Ock or Venom or whoever. Hell, Shocker. At any rate, they rip the mask off and discover Parker and realize that there’s no way in hell that Peter Parker is Spider-man. The whole thing is a PR stunt dreamed up by Tony Stark or somebody. The bad guy or guys leave Pete to die, but a good samaritan calls for help and Pete winds up in the hospital for a good long time. While he’s in the hospital, word gets to him that Spidey is still out there fighting crime. But how? Was he ever really Spidey at all or was it all a delusion? No, that shit happened!

Pete gets out of the hospital and tries to trace the new Spidey using the technology he has at his disposal. It’s tough, though. People aren’t exactly friendly toward him, thinking he hoaxed them all into believing he was Spider-man. What kind of a sick, sad sicko would do such a thing?

At any rate, things spiral down quickly for Pete. He really hits the skids. MJ just can’t take it anymore. She loves him, but she can’t bear to watch him slowly kill himself like this. Maybe if she leaves he’ll hit rock bottom and can then begin to rebuild. She does the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. She leaves him. I mean, this would be gut-wrenching stuff, folks. And would play off as more realistic, don’t you think? And we could make up for the lack of Spidey-action by cutting to this mysterious new Spidey and start to learn little bits about this new player on the scene.

So MJ leaves. Pete’s at an all-time low. He goes for a walk to sort things out. To try to come to some sort of grips. That’s when Iron Man appears, saying, “Peter, I think it’s time we had a little talk,” and blasts him with a repulsor ray. Tony doesn’t believe that Pete is not Spidey. You see, I don’t think you should completely make everyone forget Pete is Spidey. The general public shouldn’t think Pete is Spidey, but the people that KNOW independently still know.

Anyway, Iron Man is really wailing away on Pete. Pete’s running, diving, rolling, just trying to stay a step ahead of his former ally. Then there’s a blast of webbing, a few quick punches, and Iron Man is down. Pete’s swept up in the arms of a blue and red savior, to the roof of the Bugle. Spider-man and Pete stand looking at each other, and then Spidey takes off the mask. Undernearth, smiling at him, is Harry Osborne.

This stuff writes itself, really. You can go pretty much anywhere from here, but the new status quo is set. MJ’s divorced Peter. Harry is back. Nobody knows that Pete is Spidey except for a few close friends (and, if you want, Aunt May. Otherwise, just make the memory loss a part of her overall ill health). You have another year or two’s worth of killer stoylines as Pete tries to figure out why Harry is back and how he stole his powers. I’m not going to state outright what I’d do here. But I have a killer Year Two in mind. There’s so much to play off here. And when it’s all over and things are back to normal? Peter gets the powers back (obviously, but it doesn’t have to happen for a while), but when he does, would MJ take him back? If not, why not? That’s an interesting story worth exploring right there.

At any rate, you don’t have to have the flagship character of your company make a pact with an embodyment of evil. You don’t have to go to such hokey extremes as magic and making everybody forget and all that other crap. Write it straight up, using character as the basis for the story. What would Peter do in a situation where he lost his powers involuntarily? If it were me? I’d be really super depressed. One minute you’re fuckin’ Spider-man and the next you’re regular Joe Nobody. It would be an incredible adjustment to make. You probably would fuck up every relationship in your life as you wallow in self pity.

As for the fast forward, I think that initial jolt would be a great way to kick off a new direction. A great jumping on point for new readers. Everybody is in the same place, confused as hell. As the story progresses, answers start coming. By the end of the first year (or four issues or six or whatever), we’re brought up to date, wherever you want that to be. At the end of the unmasking of Harry as Spidey? Easy. Pete reacts violently and Harry uses some Goblin gas to put him out, temporarily affecting his memory.

It’s comic books. Superhero comic books. You can get away with ALOT. It’s not rocket science. Almost anything goes. But it has to make logical sense within the confines of the rules already establshed. One More Day/Brand New Day didn’t play fair with the readers and people are upset. They feel stupid. I can’t blame ‘em. This sounds like an awful turn of events for ol’ Spidey. But, like he always does, I’m sure he’ll escape this new threat and live to fight another day.

Wolverine Spirit

One day when I was thirteen summers old my grandpa told me to seek my spirit helper. So the next night at 11:30 pm I went to a cliff. I took only one piece of red bark. The spirit I wanted was a wolverine because they’re fierce, catch animals. My name is Little Arrowhead. I was going to the place by the cliff where my grandpa had told me. Heart beating, I was thinking of my spirit. Was it going to be a wolverine? I had seen many great hunters of our tribe and other tribes try to catch it. Just then I heard something in the brush! Was it a wolverine? I looked in the brush and saw a mother wolverine in a trap. Had our tribe sent it? I carefully reached down and undid the trap. The wolverine did not bite me, instead it licked me! I would be a good hunter if it were my spirit. I kept going after that. But the wolverine kept tagging along. I would also be strong if it were my spirit. She would protect me if it was. I started to fall to the ground. the next thing I knew I was in a deep, deep sleep. At daybreak I woke up. I was still lying on the earth. The mother wolverine wasn’t there. I started walking on the path home. Soon I was on the outskirts of the village. Grandpa said, “What kind of spirit did you get?” “Wolverine,” I said. “Good,” Grandpa said. And from that day on I was a strong, good hunter.

The End