I know you read ColuMn. GiGi is a brilliant alias, but according to O’Connor you just replaced the a’s in your name with i’s. Which really, when you think about it, means your alias should be Lidy GiGi. The point is, you might fool me, you might fool BlackJack, you might even fool cmsof, but NOBODY fools O’Connor.
So you and I both know that you’re reading this. Probably wearing that blue sex clothes thing from the Poker Face video. Yeah. That’s exactly how it is. Don’t bother denying it.
I could beat around the bush and completely bullshit you with verbal feces like, “I really enjoy your music,” or even, “You have a lot of talent,” but I only have limited space here, so I should get right to the point (he says after three paragraphs of rambling nothing – I know, right?).
I think you and I would make a great couple. Like there’s not even a good pop culture reference for how awesome of a couple we would make. Brad and Angelina? Tony and Angela? Paris and syphallis? They’re all fine examples. We’d just be that much better. Let’s just look at the facts as they exist and if, after I present my case, you can actually form the word “no”, then you will never hear from me again.
Exhibit A – I’m a robot dog. You do a killer robot. It’s like I could stop here, but I’m not going to. There’s more.
Exhibit B – You’re beautiful, talented, wealthy, famous, and a full-on pop culture icon loved by millions. I write for ColuMn. If opposites attract, it’s insane if we DON’T get together.
Exhibit C – It’s worth repeating. You’re rich. In addition to that, you’re “on the road” a lot. I am totally cool with that. With GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony out this past week, Modern Warfare 2 coming out next week, and Left 4 Dead 2 dropping the week after that, I actually prefer you not be around that much, as I will be quitting my job to devote every waking moment to being your full-time lover (waiting patiently for you to return from your tour as I keep myself busy on Xbox. I can be brave for you, sweetie). Don’t forget to stock up on Snausages and pay your internet bill before you leave.
I know there are some cons alongside that epic list of pros. There is a little bit of an age discrepancy. You’re 23. I’m 280 in dog years. But I’m also a robot. And my tail vibrates.
So, Lady GaGa, the ball is, as they say, in your “court”. I await your arrival at the ColuMn offices where we all live and work. You might even get the chance to write a Taco Bell review (you won’t – cmsof).
Everytime I go out in public, somebody always asks me, “So when is BlackJack going to review the Black Jack taco at Taco Bell?” First, I tell them that Sparks is your Bell man. Then they tell me, “Well, they don’t have a Sparks taco.” To which I reply, “Well, they should,” followed by, “I’m never reviewing the Black Jack taco because it’s just too damn obvious. ColuMn likes to mix things up.” Even though I know the time will come when my on-going desperation for ideas will inevitably lead to said review.
So Sparks and I decided to pull a switcheroo. I’ll be reviewing two Taco Bell items today and Sparks is going to handle a mindless go-nowhere article in a few days. And then we’ll both share a good cry.
Before I get to the Black Jack taco I wanted to share my thoughts on a Taco Bell menu item that is right now only available in the Great White North. Last weekend, while visiting Association™ Headquarters: Canada, I got pretty drunk. After they’d pumped my stomach and marveled at the miracle of my still being alive, I hopped in the Ass Van (Association™ Van) and hit the local Taco Bell. I was shocked to see a new Volcano Menu item: the Volcano Crunchwrap. I later discovered that this was a Canada-exclusive item, so I considered myself extremely lucky to have stumbled upon it. And to still be alive after my .9 blood alcohol adventure.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have the foresight to snap any pictures, but I did take copious notes. The Volcano Crunchwrap may be the hottest item yet introduced to the Volcano line. If you’ve never had a Crunchwrap before (and this was my first one), it’s a big tortilla stuffed with taco stuff and then folded so that it resembles a diarrhea-powered flying saucer. Mine wasn’t particularly crunchy, but it was wrapped.
I bit into the shell and my mouth immediately burst into flames (my ass would follow suit exactly 20 minutes later). This thing was stuffed with taco meat, the volcano sauce, cheese, rice, and the trademark red shell bits. But the thing that really set the temperature rising was the inclusion of no less than 30 jalepeño peppers. Seriously, you could not take a bite without crunching down on three peppers. I had to remove roughly 2/3 of them just to be able to eat them and not feel like an alien was about to burst through my stomach.
ColuMn hopes that this doesn’t remain Canada-exclusive for long. The Volcano Crunchwrap is an important part of a nutritious breakfast.
——————————————-
When I first heard that Taco Bell was introducing an item called the Black Jack taco, I was pretty sure it was aimed squarely at me. They follow cmsof’s twitter feed. They know BlackJack and Sparks. Oh, they know. Their marketing wizards must have said, “This guy and his stupid robot dog will buy these like pigs buy bacon (which I’m assuming pigs do a lot)”. THEY WERE WRONG. But I couldn’t hold off the inevitable forever. Today I traveled to my local Taco Bell and ordered two Black Jack tacos.
I got home and unwrapped one. Yep. It looked like a taco with a black shell. I bit into it and have to admit, it was really tasty. Loaded with beef, pepper jack sauce, lettuce, and three cheeses (cheddar, pepper jack, and mozzarella), this really is a good taco. Not sure why they don’t include tomatoes on this. I guess they assumed I don’t like tomatoes. But I do. So get to work fixing that, Taco Bell.
I know there are the skeptical among you that say, “Taco Bell just dyes their shells a different color and calls it something like Volcano (red) or Black Jack (black).” But no, this is a unique flavor that you’ll probably enjoy. It’s not as radically different from a normal taco as the Volcano Taco was, but it’s still a nice little change from the ordinary.
In conclusion, if you’re in the mood for Taco Bell, they’re really stepping up the game by offering new items that combine unique flavors with fun concepts. Hopefully this will be my last Taco Bell review, though. My pants are tight.
ColuMn FACTS!
210 calories
150 calories from fat
17 grams of fat
4.5 grams of saturated fat
430 mg of sodium
(or, yes, this will kill you)
ColuMn Fun Fact™
The Black Jack taco probably was not actually named for ColuMn’s BlackJack. But maybe.
ACT I, SCENE I: Introduction
It’s a world of cold, misery, and shadows. It’s a world of darkness. The trees wither and hover precariously between life and death. The only birds in the air are the carrions. The few standing structures are rundown and unstable, liable to collapse at any moment. Standing on the cracked pavement outside of what’s left of 1317 ½, Scott, Chris, Jason, Cami, Arps, Greg, and Deanna stare at each other in silence, not quite sure where to begin.
ACT I, SCENE II: Strands
Scott has begun to piece it together and the rest are catching up quick. They all know what has to be done. If only they have time to do it. With a smile of grim acceptance and warm friendship, Greg, Chris, Cami, Jason, and Arps vanish. Scott and Deanna turn to each other, the smiles fading. From all directions, members of the Psycho Killer’s species emerge from the shadows, slowly closing in.
ACT I, SCENE III: Drop In
Tom rubs his eyes. It had seemed so real. Too real. Like hyper-reality. Mid-rub, Greg appears, looking extremely agitated. Tom and Greg run into the kitchen and start heating up the knives.
ACT I, SCENE IV: A Change Of Reality
In the basement, hovering over his shrine, the Psycho Killer glares above him, seeing through the ceiling up to Tom and Greg. In a fiery burst of hate-filled energy, the Psycho Killer explodes through the floorboards, showering Greg and Tom with splintered wood. But they’re ready for him. Tom jabs two red hot knives deep into the Psycho Killer’s eyes, boiling them in his skull and digging deeper, searing brain tissue. Greg and Tom vanish immediately. Seconds later, the Psycho Killer implodes in a crackling blue electrical surge that leaves no trace behind.
ACT II, SCENE I: 1317 ½
Back at 1317 ½, things are relatively normal. The place is a little messy, but there are no bodies. Everything has been cleared out. Cami and Chris appear in the living room, gather their bearings, and begin to explore.
ACT II, SCENE II: The Idiot Box
As Chris and Cami methodically explore their home, the back door to the storage room slowly opens and Johnson emerges. He creeps slowly and silently through the apartment, pausing outside the door to Deanna’s room, where Chris and Cami are beginning their search. As Chris and Cami exit the room, Johnson transforms into the Psycho Killer. Chris lunges at him, but is brushed aside effortlessly. Cami hits him hard with the door, knocking him down. As he begins to recover, he looks up just in time to see Cami shoving the tv off the tv stand and onto his head. The tv screen shatters with a pop, blood pouring out and down the Psycho Killer’s body. Chris and Cami vanish, followed closely by the Psycho Killer in the same blue electrical flash.
ACT II, SCENE III: MINDSHAKER MELTDOWN
It’s an unusually cold night in mid-April. The streets are slicked with rain. An almost imperceptible disturbance touches the air and Arps and Jason appear, a block away from their destination. Number one. As they make their way closer and closer to the brick building, they spot movement in the bushy trees guarding the entrance. It’s the Psycho Killer. Arps and Jason each grab bottles out of a nearby recycling bin and break them to form sharp, jagged teeth. They attack with no mercy, slashing and stabbing. The porch light goes on beside the doorway and Arps and Jason look up, in that instant vanishing. As the door opens, there is a sharp crackle. I look out the door. Nothing’s there.
ACT II, SCENE IV: Future Shock
It seems instantaneous to all of them. One moment they’re in 508 or 1317 ½, or on some strange, hyper-real street. That same moment, they’re together outside 508. But everything is different. Chris, Cami, Jason, Arps, Tom, and Greg can only stare in jaw-dropping horror and wonder. The 508 house is magnificent, a glittering castle literally made of gold. It’s beauty is so great that to look at it is to drop all shame or pretense at weep openly at your insignificance. Then they see Scott, a broken, beaten man. He’s at least twenty years older than when they left him just seconds before.
ACT III, SCENE I: 2018
Almost instinctively, they know that the heart of this apocalyptic nightmare is inside of 508. In the basement. The Psycho Killer’s shrine. They storm the basement in a berserker fury. They have no control of their actions, their movement guided by something otherworldly. Or so it seems. They tear the shrine apart, savagely, using any weapons they can lay hands on, and if there are no weapons, they use fists and feet and teeth. The Psycho Killer appears momentarily, but here he is at the peak of his powers. Tall, strong, and oozing dread and fear.
ACT III, SCENE II: End Game
Back in the dark world, no time has passed. The Psycho Killers are still slowly advancing, closing their ranks, moving in for the kill. Scott and Deanna stand back to back, swinging the biggest tree branches they can effectively wield. It soon becomes apparent that the Psycho Killers aren’t interested in them. It’s something just beyond where they’re standing. Something at the doorway to 1317 ½. And then Chris, Jason, Greg, Arps, Cami, and Tom appear, blocking the exit.
ACT III, SCENE III: The Dark World
The eight friends stand together as a dozen or so Psycho Killers keep coming. And then, inevitably, the fight begins. It’s a blur of fists, tree limbs, lead pipes, feet, blood, hair, bone, and screams as the battle rages. Soon the sheer numbers of the Psycho Killer horde overpower the gang. The Psycho Killers begin jumping through the door of 1317 ½, vanishing into oblivion.
ACT III, SCENE IV: Parting Shot
Scott, Deanna, Tom, and Arps are down. Unconscious? Dead? The rest are barely standing upright. Three Psycho Killers appear out of the shadows of the alley, running at full speed. They manage to snag Cami and Jason, too tired to fight or even scream, shoving them through the portal. Chris and Greg react instantly, unable to intercept them, but in time to, without thinking, dive through the door, gone. Tom and Arps have recovered and are close behind. Tom dives through seconds behind Greg, but the portal closes. Severed diagonally from head to toe, half of Tom’s body falls with a sickening thud to the ground, leg and arm still reflexively twitching and spraying blood for a few long moments. Half of his head remains connected to his torso through a few strands of muscle, one eye staring into the sea of infinity. Scott, Deanna, and Arps can do nothing but stare in shock and horror. Behind them, a shadowy figure retreats into the murky black of the alley.
This horrifying photo was snapped on the occasion of the ColuMn Alcoholic’s Halloween 2009 Party. First, Baggyman showed up, uninvited. I should have known not to drink the absinthe. As we sat, terrified that our souls would soon be teabagged, there was a thunderous knock on the door, splintering the wood and causing our ears to bleed. For the first time since I’d known him, Baggyman looked unsure. ”My God,” I thought. ”What horrifying monstrosity could take Baggyman by surprise?” And then he stepped over the threshold. He stared at Baggyman and Baggyman stared back and I thought for sure we were all doomed as the two titans of terror edged ever closer to all-out Armageddon.
After several tense seconds, it seemed like the two demons were somehow communicating. While still not feeling safe, I began to feel that perhaps today was not my day to die or have my soul teabagged. I edged towards my camera, eager to provide ColuMn with yet another scoop of the century.
The two horrific figures of rage sat down, unspeaking, and enjoyed a couple glasses of absinthe. And then . . . he was gone. Baggyman seemed puzzled (and quite drunk). Who was this clown-faced killer? He’d left behind no clues and no name. We don’t know what he wants. Baggyman is all about teabagging souls, but the red-nosed roustabout showed no interest, even when Baggyman offered up Red Shirt as a sacrifice.
With this new threat at least temporarily quelled, the party began to pick up again. I’d just put on Lady GaGa’s, “I Like It Rough” for the 13th time, when we were confronted with a sight that will haunt each of us to our graves.
Why, Lord, why? Why did he have to corrupt the children?
ColuMn will be following up on these revolting developments as soon we regain the will to go on.
Back in, oh I’d say 1985, I used to spend my Saturdays watching Commander USA host a b-movie show on the USA Network. I watched a lot of really great movies and always enjoyed the Commander and Lefty’s subtle comic genius.
The one movie that’s stuck with me all these years is a Mexican monster movie called The Brainiac. The character has nothing to do with the Superman villain by the same name. This Brainiac gets his monicker from the fact that he sucks brains out of people’s skulls, storing them for later for a little midnight snacking.
I don’t recall much of the plot or characters, other than foggy snapshots of awesomeness. I’m not sure why it took me so long to buy this flick, but now that oversight has been rectified. So join me, ColuMn reader, as we watch The Brainiac one more time.
The Brainiac opens in the year 1661, with a looooong bit of backstory exposition told by the announcer from Super Friends. The location is Mexico City, and the Spanish Inquisition has reached the shores of the New World. Baron Vitelius d’Estera is facing charges of “attempting to foretell the future using corpses” and banging a bunch of married women and young virgins, among other things. He laughs at their torture and dares them to do more. His only friend, Marcos Miranda tries to come to his defense, but is given 200 lashes for his troubles. With no other options left, the Inquisitors sentenced him to death by burning him alive in a field. As the flames begin to engulf him, the Baron spots a comet and vows to come back in 300 years and kill the descendants of the Inquisitors.
This is actually a pretty cool scene, bad special effects aside, as the Baron makes the Inquisitors’ black hoods disappear, revealing the faces of each in turn.
We leap forward in time to 1961, at the precise moment that the comet returns. A group of astronomers observe the strange comet through a large telescope, and see it emit “a very strange light”. Two of the astronomers (a male and female who will play key roles in the story as it develops) decide to “investigate”.
This isn't a terrible picture. It's the actual special effect.
The male we recognize as the same actor who played the Baron’s friend, Marcos Miranda. Fortunately, the comet is right overhead, and the light it emitted is within easy driving distance. The light turns out to be a chunk of comet that dissolves and reveals a hideous creature we know as THE BRAINIAC (though that name is never uttered in the movie). Before the two astronomers (who are also an engaged couple) can get there, the Brainiac, using his long tubular tongue, sucks the brain out of a drunk guy and transforms into (wait for it) the Baron!
The two astronomers immediately run into the Baron, who recognizes the descendant of his friend Marcos, expresses an interest in astronomy, so Marcos’ descendant, Reinaldo, hands the Baron his business card and promises to friend him on Facebook.
The Baron wastes no more time and gets right down to business. He does this thing where a lights blinks off and on on his face while he creepily stares somebody (usually a woman) down. His intended victim falls into a trance, and the Baron is free to go about his business, which mostly involves sucking brains, but sometimes expands to getting information or forcing somebody to vote Republican (he really is evil).
And did I mention that the ladies just love this guy? He gets more ass than the only toilet at a Taco Bell. Seriously, this guy can’t bite his toenails without some hot, early 1960’s babe sucking his face. This has the unfortunate effect of turning him into the Brainiac, where he returns the sucking a little overzealously. There’s really no need for this storywise, but the guy who plays the Baron, Abel Salazar, was also the producer, so you really can’t begrudge him.
His first few victims aren’t descendants of the Inquisitors (at this it’s neither implied or stated), but he needs to start collecting brains. He just got some killer weed and he knows he’s going to have the munchies later.
The Baron sends out invites to a fancy party, distracting the astronomers introduced earlier from investigating the mystery of why no other astronomer in the entire world has seen the comet. It’s at the party that we finally meet all of the descendants of the Inquisitors that tormented the Baron 300 years earlier. This is done really well, as the camera focuses in on a party guest, which fades into the face of their ancestor. I get it now. I can hear the pitch in my head. ”It’s like the Count of Monte Cristo only with brain sucking!”
Uh-oh! Reinaldo’s fiance, Miranda, is one of the descendants! And Reinaldo is the descendant of the Baron’s only friend, Marcos! Shit’s gonna fly!
The Baron’s got a brain chillaxin’ in his pimp cup and excuses himself from the party to help himself to a serving. He returns to what has to be the worst party ever thrown, as people stand awkwardly in a line exchanging inane pleasantries.
"Best party ever, huh guys? Guys?"
The Baron then joins one of the descendants, who is a professor of history, at his home, where the Baron is introduced to the Professor’s daughter. It’s a really great sequence, as the Baron reveals who he is, hypnotizes the daughter and the professor, and then forces the professor to stand paralyzed as he makes out with the daughter, turns into the Brainiac, and then kills her in front of her father’s horrified eyes. Then it’s the professor’s turn, followed by the Brainiac going apeshit, tearing the place apart and burning it down.
The next day, the Baron visits another descendant’s house, and forces the older gentleman to watch as he hardcore makes out with the wife before becoming the Brainiac and sucker her brain out. He then confronts the older guy with his true identity and compels the descendant to throw himself into the furnace.
The Brainiac is kind of a one-trick pony. He’s also extremely lucky that none of the descendants have moved out of the town. It makes it much, much more convenient, even though he loses out of what could be some really killer frequent flier miles.
After a brief visit by the police, it’s brain-munchin’ time again for the Baron, but now he’s got THREE brains in his goblet.
The Baron next pays some newlyweds a visit. It’s a little awkward this time, because the descendant is female, so the Baron has to totally make out with a dude. Oh, no he doesn’t. He murders the husband first and then goes all Brainiac and sucks the brain out of wifey.
The cops, meanwhile, are starting to piece things together. They make the connection between the ancestors and the corpses that are piling up all over town, and jump to the somewhat logical conclusion that the Baron is involved.
Finally, the Baron invites Reinaldo and Miranda back to his mansion, promising a look at the mysterious comet. The Baron eats a little brain and makes an excuse to get Miranda alone by promising that she’ll get to pick out some jewels. So the Baron and Miranda go off together, leaving Reinaldo to snoop around. Reinaldo probably should have chaperoned, as the Baron almost immediately starts rubbing his boner against Miranda’s back. Reinaldo’s oblivious to the cocksmith’s attempted seduction, far more interesting in prying open the chest where the Baron keeps his brain mug. Miranda escapes the Brainiac, who has decided that vengeance is better than getting laid, and runs to Reinaldo, who has discovered the brains. The Brainiac doesn’t want to hurt his friend’s descendant, but totally will if he doesn’t step off. Just as things look over for Miranda and the tubular tongue comes out, the heat shows up with matching flamethrowers (standard issue for the Mexican policia), burning the Brainiac alive once more, and saving the day.
"How the fuck do you work this thing?"
The end.
The Brainiac, or El barón del terror, is a fun little movie, with some genuinely tense moments. Chano Urueta may not be the Steven Spielberg of his generation, but he’s fully capable of building suspense and putting together a nice little b-movie. The writing isn’t exactly Shakespeare, with coincidence, giant leaps in logic, and flamethrowers, but it suffices. I had a really good time watching this again, even though I was expecting it to be a disaster.
But the acting is pretty rotten and the special effects are abysmal. The Brainiac, with his pulsating head and lolling tongue, looks like The Fly’s retarded half-brother. Despite some really discomforting set-ups, the kills mostly take place off-camera. You have to admire a film that would feature such depraved killings in 1961, and with better acting this might have truly been a classic of the horror genre.
And here you thought I wouldn't show you a pic of the brain pimp cup.
One of the most influential books in the hallowed halls of horror is Alan Ormsby’s 1975 opus, Movie Monsters. As the cover indicates, it not only (briefly) explores the mythology of some of the great movie maniacs, but also shows you how to make and apply “Monster Make-Up” and includes a detailed script and other tips for “Monster Shows to put on.”
Published by Scholastic Book Services, Movie Monsters has very brief descriptions for eleven classic creatures and an extremely short bio of Lon Chaney.
Most of the monster descriptions are one page, with an accompanying photo on a second page, with some minor variations. In re-reading this tome for the first time in probably 50 decades, I’m just now realizing that all of the entries focus mostly on make-up and make-up effects. I know make-up effects are an important part of horror movies, but an entire children’s book dedicated to the art easily explains why the book remains popular to this day.
The author, who wrote such films as My Bodyguard, Porky’s II: The Next Day, Popcorn(which he also directed, uncredited), and Mulan (wtf?), got out of the make-up game in 1977. He wastes valuable pages on a vanity section where he boringly details that one time he played a monster in a school play. I must admit, I cried during this section, but only out of boredom and a desperate hope that the tears would blur my vision, giving me an excuse to stop reading.
Then we move onto the “How to Make a Monster” portion of the book. Disappointingly, there is no mention of murder, rape, or corpse-stealing, instead focusing on, you guessed it, make-up.
People too stupid to have thought of this themselves probably shouldn't be trusted with a flashlight.
Some effects, like “Light and Shadow” are ridiculously easy. I like how the directions explicitly state that you need a mirror. Because, I’m guessing, based on personal experience, the author knows that if you’re reading this book, odds are you are a lonely, pathetic outsider and the mirror is your only conceivable audience. And even it looks at you with disgust.
Other effects are insanely complex. Take, for example, the “Brown Bag Frankenstein”. This is no Unknown Comic or even Baggyman, folks. This is an hours-long process that is so technically difficult, you need to spend three years as a make-up effects apprentice to even attempt it. I remember as a kid thinking how awesome it would be to make this thing, soon realizing that I’d likely just end up with a paper sack glued to my head.
(click to enlarge and make your own! PhD required)
The next part of the book is “The Monster of Frankenstein”, a terrible script that I’m horrified to think some unfortunate parents might have had to sit through at some point. God, this would be sanity-robbing to see untalented kids “perform”. Hopefully someone had the foresight to hide the shotgun shells from Dad.
After that, we get a couple of improbable “tricks”, like “The Floating Head”, which only works if your head resembles a fully inflated helium balloon. This is followed by a section called “Props”, which basically assumes you have a fully stocked Hollywood studio in your back yard. ”Supplies And Sources” is somewhat more helpful, urging kids to head to the Salvation Army.
The ending, in a nutshell, is kind of a letdown. Ormsby shoots is load in the first 28 pages and it never really matches that start.
I’ve been pretty hard on this book, but in all honesty, I really loved it when I was a kid. There’s a reason that I still have it. As a first exposure to the classic Universal Monsters, you really couldn’t do much better. The text is easy reading and it has some cool black and white photos of a bunch of monsters. On top of that, it was probably my earliest introduction to what actually went into making a movie.
I only know one thing is for sure. If I ever have a kid, he or she is making the fucking Frankenstein mask. And if they whine about how it’s “too hard” or “won’t work”, I will beat the spirit of Halloween into them and confiscate their candy, teaching them a valuable lesson. Just like that one episode of Cosby.
“If fingerprint evidence can be used to hang someone, why can’t footprint evidence be used to prove the existence of someone?”
A BRIEF PERSONAL HISTORY
The year: 1976. The place: Bellingham, Washington. In an effort to discover the origins of my love for horror movies, I’m turning to the first movie to scare the ever-lovin’ shit out of me: a documentary titled The Mysterious Monsters. According to the trailer, it promised actual indisputable proof of the existence of three legendary monsters: The Abominable Snowman, The Loch Ness Monster, and the real selling point – Bigfoot. Bigfoot was huge in the 70s, appearing in everything from The Six Million Dollar Man (as Bionic Bigfoot, no less) to the Saturday morning kids’ show, Bigfoot And Wildboy. As a fan of both shows, and forseeing the need for material for ColuMn, I felt it was my sacred duty to attend a showing of this film. Somehow, my parents agreed and took me on one fateful night.
What I witnessed that night utterly convinced me of the existence of these creatures and further convinced me that they all (and especially Bigfoot) thirsted for my blood. What followed was a week of nightmares, insomnia, and sleeping in my parents’ bed. Tonight I view that film again for the first time since the initial viewing. I’m hoping it will not be so traumatic. My parents live many miles away now and would not appreciate me showing up at midnight, frantic and begging them to let me stay there.
INITIAL IMPRESSIONS
Available on Amazon for less than the price of a lapdance (the only thing I compare prices to), I ordered a copy last Friday. It arrived today (Tuesday) and I didn’t even have to pay extra for shipping (I think). The cover features a giant big foot apparently stomping out the entire planet Earth. Below are still frames of all society’s monsters: Bigfoot, Nessie, the Yeti, and Peter Graves.
I am somewhat put off when I see the dvd is distributed by “Cheezy Flicks”. I am further bothered by the last line in the back of the box description, “Hosted by Peter Graves, the host.” Something tells me this isn’t exactly going to be a Criterion Collection-caliber presentation.
Puzzling, but not exactly disappointing is the stand-alone text that reads, “BIGFOOT! Making Big News”. I guess they forgot to include any context or source in the rush to get this important film into the public’s terrified hands.
CHAPTERS
No explanation is necessary. These are simply the chapter titles for the documentary as listed on the dvd.
ALSO FROM CHEEZY FLICKS
Trailers are included for all of these forgotten grindhouse classics:
The Legend Of Boggy Creek
Convoy
Savage Weekend
Horror Hotel
X
House Of Whipcord
Jive Turkey, which includes this title card:
Or, in plain English, a complete work of fiction.
THE HISTORY OF MONSTERS
Peter Graves almost swears on his children’s lives that this will be “the most startling movie you’ll ever see.”
A guy in the fakest-looking Bigfoot costume outside of a K-Mart peers out of the trees as the viewer realizes this was obviously intended to be just a Bigfoot movie, with Nessie and Yeti tossed in as an afterthought.
The quality of this transfer is somewhere on the scale between “shit” and “what’s supposed to be happening here?”
It starts out with Bigfoot, immediatle throwing all of my so-called memories into question. I would have sworn it ended with Bigfoot.
You always forget about the “overwheling stench”.
Is this true? The panda wasn’t discovered until 1937? I think Bigfoot needs new representation. He probably would have been discovered much sooner if he was cute. And if not for the whole “overewhelming stench” thing.
It looks like they’re using Bigfoot as a framing device. We’re now learning about the Loch Ness Monster.
NESSIE
The photos of Nessie are fairly compelling. This movie is winning me over and I’m questioning the appropriateness of calling this a “Cheezy Flick”.
So basically it looks like this movie will present archival footage alongside eyewitness interviews and current (in 1976) scientific expeditions to determine whether or not these creatures exist. This is a solid movie for what it is and when it was made. That said, I fear that they will at somepoint employ “dramatic recreations”. *sigh*
Observation: explosions are awesome. Even more awesome: explosions caused by actual living dinosaurs.
A LARGE POPULATION OF HAIRY GIANTS
The Bigfoot suit returns. It still looks like a homemade Chewbacca costume.
Did I say “dramatic recreation”? These aren’t horrible, but they totally undermine any credibility that the movie had somehow, against all odds, established.
After briefly checking in on Bigfoot, we’ve abruptly moved on to the Yeti, or as Shaggy would call him, The Abominable Snowman.
None of the evidence supporting the Yeti is very convincing. But, see, they’re implying that the Yeti and Bigfoot are the same thing.
FIRSTHAND ACCOUNTS
This is shaping up to be a chapter made up of dramatic recreations.
Oh god. This is terrible. Bad acting combined with what could be a close encounter with a coked up naked Robin Williams may be the disturbing thing Graves was talking about at the beginning of the film.
Now we’re into some on-camera interviews with completely unconvincing eyewitnesses.
Peter Graves interviews a scientist and tries to convince him that science sucks and “oral testimony” should have as much or more weight than actual physical evidence. Graves gets visibly exasperated when the scientist refuses to agree.
Graves then interviews a more agreeable scientist who has obviously been drugged.
What’s better than your average dramtic recreation? A dramatic recreation featuring extremely untalented and homely children.
This is just . . . inappropriate.
FOOTPRINTS OF A GIANT
Plaster casts, photos, and photos of plaster casts. Still, Doctor Science remains unconvinced. Fuckin’ science. Jesus feels your pain.
Nobody has either asked or answered the most important question: does Bigfoot also have a big penis?
PHYSICAL & PSYCHIC “EVIDENCE”
This extremely dubiously titled chapter starts out terribly with another ill-conceived and poorly executed dramatic recreation.
Graves takes sound recordings of Bigfoot to a 1976 computer geek. This is really the most interesting part of the documentary yet as we witness the “state of the art” technology in use. Computers have come a long way. That brings the score to Science: 1, Peter Graves: 0.
This movie is way longer than it should be.
This part is so boring. But now we’re visiting the “world’s foremost psychic detective”.
Peter Graves just used the term “psychometrize’.
Maybe a psychic shouldn’t be your star witness. I don’t care how much psychometrizing he does.
The psychic is drawing a picture of Wolfman Jack.
CORROBORATING STORIES
More eyewitness reports. Dare I hope for more dramatic recreations? You know I do. And I am not disappointed.
Okay. This is the one that scared me as a kid.
Now they’ve convinced a witness to take a lie detector test. Something tells me Dr. Science would reject this as irrefutable proof that bigfoot exists.
No wonder this freaked me out though. This bigfoot sighting took place just a few miles from where I grew up.
Now hypnosis. They’re pulling out all the stops to completely discredit their “case”.
PHOTOGRAPHS
This begins the discussion of the “Patterson Film”, sort of the Zapruder film of Bigfoot enthusiasts. Gotta say, it looks pretty authentic to me. I’m sure Dr. Science disagrees.
Yep. Science is shitting on it. But they’re totally burning science by getting a nerd to explain away all science’s criticisms. Hey, Science. Quit being a dick.
PATTERSON FILM
Not sure why this is a separate chapter. See my above comments regarding the Patterson Film.
LIVING HABITS OF THE BIGFOOT
At this point, the producers are just as fed up with science as we are. Shoving a giant middle finger in The Man’s face, Graves begins completely making shit up.
Example: “The young of the bigfoot probably enjoy a longer childhood than other animals.” (citation needed)
THE EVIDENCE IS CONCLUSIVE
I have seen no conclusive evidence in this movie. Peter Graves sums it up best: “Bigfoot is as much a part of our life as the gorilla or the Loch Ness Monster.”
Amen, Peter Graves. Amen.
IN CONCLUSION
Eh. Nothing that frightening here. But as a time capsule of the bigfoot craze of the mid-70s, it’s really rather well done. Worth the cost of a lapdance? Let’s not get crazy. In the words of science, “The only thing worth the cost of a lapdance is a lapdance.”
We’ll leave the last word to Bigfoot himself, who when asked for a response to this documentary would only roar, “BAYABA!” before hauling his repulsive stench back into the woods. Dude, if you don’t have any toilet paper on hand, do yourtself a favor and just use leaves.
Posted by Sparks 
Posted by BlackJack 
Posted by BlackJack 
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