Summer's here, and the time is right for. . .
ColuMn
A year ago I spent way too much time and effort looking into the Mountain Dew DewMocracy. I was less than impressed and went back for seconds on exactly zero of the three offerings. In fact, aside from a casual flirtation with Code Red and Live Wire, I’ve never really been a big fan of the Dew.
When Pepsi announced they were going to be selling Pepsi and Mountain Dew sweetened with natural sugar, I knew I’d bite. I’ve already review the Pepsi Throwback. But what about the Mountain Dew Throwback? Would I become a Dew-vert (that’s Mountain Dew convert, not Mountain Dew pervert)? Let’s find out.
Hmmm. It’s actually not horrible. A lot of the Dew soft drinks taste almost like chemicals and are universally sickeningly sweet. But this tastes good. It’s still sweet, but it doesn’t seem AS sweet as regular old Mountain Dew. I would actually drink this again. Not all the time, but on occasion.
I’m not sure how long the Throwback brand will stick around. I’m hoping permanently. These are a little hard to find, but well worth seeking out.
ACT I, SCENE I: Introduction
It is a cold November morning. Chris, Cami, Jason, Greg, Arps, and Scott sit in the living room of 508, extremely high. The remnants of their rituals are strewn across the coffee table and floor. No one talks. They sit, silently, staring into space.
ACT I, SCENE II: Upstairs
Cut to Johnson in his room, which was formerly Arps’. Johnson is sitting naked on his bed, folding a sheet of paper in half. And then in half again. And again. When it gets too small to fold, he discards it, where it falls in a pile of similar scraps. He grabs a fresh sheet of paper and repeats the process.
ACT I, SCENE III: Downstairs
Cut to the Psycho Killer in the basement. The Psycho Killer is standing, rolling a nice fat joint. He drops it and the joint falls carefully into place, joining more joints on his newly rebuilt altar. The Psycho Killer grabs a fresh rolling paper and repeats the process.
ACT I, SCENE IV: A Change Of Reality
Cut to Chris sitting on the sofa, taking a whippit. His eyes widen, drawing us in as lights flicker against the black backdrop of his pupils. We flash back to the gang, taking hits in the kitchen. Then Chris is suddenly floating in utter blackness. He can see himself perfectly, but can see no light source. The only sound is a low, vibrating hum.
ACT II, SCENE I: Victims
Just as suddenly, Chris is back in the Psycho Killer’s realm. The Psycho Killer is whispering words in Chris’ ear and Chris is understanding what must be done. He looks up to see Johnson standing there. In the background Deanna sits naked, folding paper like we just saw Johnson doing.
ACT II, SCENE II: The Message
Chris realizes that he was wrong. He didn’t understand what the Psycho Killer was telling him. It was gibberish, the buzzing of ten thousand flies over the screams of tortured children. He now knows the truth. He had been forced to believe that the Psycho Killer’s mission was clear. He was being groomed to aide the fiend. But that could only mean one thing. The Psycho Killer was in his head again.
ACT II, SCENE III: THREE DAYS
Cut to Chris, now back from his hallucination. We back out of his shiny pupils, quickly, almost violently, expelled. Cami, Jason, Greg, Arps, and Scott are all in the exact position they were in prior to his vision. Only now they’re somehow at 1317-1/2. Chris, panicked, looks at his watch to see how much time has passed. It’s been three days.
ACT II, SCENE IV: Howdy, neighbor!
The camera exits the apartment and heads down the stairs, entering Donny’s apartment. Donny’s not home, but the Psycho Killer is, tending to his shrine.
ACT III, SCENE I: The Dead
The Psycho Killer looks up, smiling. Crowded into one corner of the room, Deanna, Chi Chi, and Stuart huddle in fear, still bearing the marks of the violent demise. The Psycho Killer giggles, and then his head shoots a glance to the ceiling.
ACT III, SCENE II: Panic Attack
The camera shoots up through the ceiling, passing effortlessly through the wood like a specter. The gang is freaking. They’re disoriented, scared, and helpless.
ACT III, SCENE III: Parting Shot
The gang sees a flash outside the window. Too scared to care if it’s a cop, hoping it is if anything, they run; across the room to the front window. Cami grabs the cord and rips open the blinds. Chris, Cami, Scott, Jason, Arps, and Greg look down as Johnson and Donny look up, shuffling grotesquely onto the lawn and then disappear into the entryway.
12/31/03
You’ve heard the rumors. A few lucky sonsofbitches have heard a sample chapter or two. But only ColuMn brings you previews of all 11 chapters of Baggyman’s novel. In the embedding clip, you will find the audio book version of the first sentences of each chapter of the novel. Baggyman has personally overseen the recording of this monumental event and was thrilled to get Dr. Stephen Hawking to read his thought-provoking, golden words.
Enjoy.
“I know in my heart that Jacko’s in, uh, heaven now, where the Jesus Juice flows like water and the children are bent over as far as the eye can see.”
- cmsof
Jacko (circa 2012)
After trying the Volcano Taco back in October, I thought I’d probably be back for more. But it didn’t turn out that way. In my quest to not die before the premiere of Melrose Place, my visits to Taco Bell were extremely sparse. So much so that recently I began to wonder if the Volcano Taco even still existed. As things often happen, within 24 hours I caught the commerical for the Volcano Burrito. I was sold. To hell with living. I had to have me a Volcano Burrito.
As I pulled up to the drive-thru of my local Taco Bell, I immediately saw the ad for The Volcano Box. No other thought was required from that point on. I ordered The Box with a Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Rushing home, it was all I could do not to pry open the cover of the wonderous box to inspect the prizes contained within.
Sure, it comes with not only a Volcano Double Beef Burrito, but a Volcano Taco. Even thatwouldn’t require a box to contain it. So they did what they had to do and threw in a bag of Cinnamon Twists AND another plain old hard shell taco. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but somehow the tacos had mated and reproduced while being transported from Taco Bell to my house, and a Double Decker taco had magically appeared. Yes, that’s an unhealthy amount of Taco Bell “food”, but dammit, I was up to the challenge, having already conceded I was most likely going to die from this.
Mmmm. The juicy goodness. Of course, the first thing I hit was the Volcano Double Beef Burrito. How could I resist? I have to say, the Volcano Double Beef Burrito is awesome. It has the Taco Bell meat, cheese, rice, and the hot cheese sauce that is also used on the Volcano Taco. But it also has little bits of the hard red tortilla shell that they use to make the Volcano Taco. And this really makes all the difference.
If you’re completely wasted and find yourself behind the wheel of your car at 1:30 on a Wednesday morning, you should definitely consider hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru and ordering The Volcano Box. At $6.50, it’s a great value. The food is very spicy for fast food and, as an unexpected bonus, actually pretty tasty.
One negative was that my Mountain Dew Baja Blast had next to no actual Mountain Dew Baja Blast syrup in it. Comprised 90% of carbonated water, it did not have the desired effect of washing town this metric ton of fast food.
Once in a while, we here at ColuMn have been known to imbibe an adult beverage or two. When cmsof isn’t trying to kill us with absinthe, Sparks and I mostly enjoy a nice, cheap brewski.
Sparks prefers the high alcohol content of Miller High Life, while I’m more of a Rainier man (I still actively mourn the loss of Schmitty). On a hot summer night, you can often find Sparks and I out on the front stoop downing a couple half racks of heaven each.
We’ve had some good times. About as good as it can get for a guy and his robot dog. We’ve had a few bad times too. Tempers have flared. Batteries have been removed. Nuff said.
As good as those times are, I would be lying if I said that a price is not paid the next day. As soon as it’s possible to move without tasting bile, I ooze into the car and head for fast food. A sack of burgers on my couch watching X-Men Animated goes a long way towards easing the pain.
And then, the moment arrives. You feel a slight twitch, followed by a bubbly grumble. A second ago, you were fine, making Wolverine slashing motions with last night’s chop sticks. Now you’re in a life or death race against time.
If I happen to be home, there’s no problem. But if I get the beer shits at the ColuMn office, people get all weird, gagging and shoving sharp objects up their noses. So I use this. The best 99 cent product I ever shoplifted in order to avoid the embarrassment of buying it.
I’m not exactly Seattle’s biggest peanut butter novelty fanatic, but given my history with Nabisco’s Cakester brand, you know I just had to pick these up.
They’re about what you’d expect: an Oreo Cakester with peanut butter flavored creme filling. The peanut butter flavor is subtle. It is, after all, creme filling and not a glob of peanut butter between two chocolate cake disks.
Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters are a solid addition to the Cakester line-up. If peanut butter themed snacks are your thing, you can’t go wrong. The rest of us should stick with the Strawberry Creme Nilla Wafers.
★★★
Twenty-five years ago I created this comic series. Time has not been kind.
Enjoy.
Good stuff, huh? No? Well, fuck you. Here’s more.
I included these because a certain O’Connor is a huge megastar and these two pages were his original origin.
And no, my “art” has not gotten any better.
In the cavernous mountains of Northern Afghanistan, a fierce firefight is underway. Taliban fighters have overwhelmed an Army division and surround the five survivors; SSGB, Rawley, O’Connor, Klaus, and Cassidy. Out of the gun powder-blackened skies, a slick, shifting figure descends, protecting the survivors and sending the Taliban fighters into panicked retreat.
But something sinister is going on. SSGB, O’Connor, Rawley, and Cassidy vanish in the confusion. Alone, Klaus, an explosives expert, tracks down his savior, codenamed TGB. Rumors are that TGB was once a human who transformed into an amorphous mass after government Super Soldier experiments went horribly wrong, causing an enormous explosion. Everyone within 10 miles of the blast was violently torn apart, but TGB somehow survived.
In a hidden secret cavern, Dr. V studies SSGB, O’Connor, Cassidy, and Rawley, hooked up to machines that defy description. A voice from the shadows speaks calm and assuredly. ”We’re all set. Launch the missile.”
BlackJack
Sparks
cmsof
